i am completely and utterly MORTIFIED! Giovanni read my DIARY and almost every page since august has been about him!!!!!!!!!!! he then continued to read the most embarrassing things i would say about him like how i have the biggest crush on him and how he's so cute and how much i love love love him ( #-o oh i can't believe this. he just thought it was sooooo amusing then he just hugged me and told me he loved me even more than before now that he knew how i really felt. ugh i just wish he didn't have to find out that way you know the most humiliating way ever! but i told him i didn't have feelings like that for him anymore since i know he's gay. yes he's gay. and yes i fell in love with a gay boy which is the stupidest thing any straight girl can do because its obviously a losing fight. omg i just admitted to falling in love with him...ugh....it doesn't help that we hang out like almost every other day and he knows everything about me down to every possible insecurity i have! and the worst thing is i'm not mad at him. i don't hate him at all i just love him even more now! UGH i don't understand it...he invades my privacy, barrages me with personal questions, embarrassing me every possible way in private and public yet i'm sooo in awe of him. i have never met anyone like him before. but a part of me feels like he just doesn't feel as strongly as i do for him. its not the "in love" part anymore because i know he's never going to be my boyfriend because well he wants a boyfriend not a girlfriend hahaaa but i mean just like the connection we have. i want him to be like one of my bestfriendsforever like mario and jeri. well he did make me sign this weird contract that says "I Mal agree to be loyal to Giovanni and be a good friend...now and forever..." hahaaaaaaaaaaaa do you see what i mean now?! he's so different and crazy and just off the wall it's positively amazing! oh and he wrote that after he read my diary. ugh my diary....i can't even bear to read some of the things i wrote in there about him because i just want to die of embarrassment everytime i think of it. of what he could have possibly thought as he was reading my most personal thoughts that i thought nobody would ever know...i still haven't told mario or jeri what happened last night. i'm just so BLAH about the whole thing. i don't know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing. he hasn't called or texted me all day and i'm just like oh great now he's going to ignore me after he finally has proof that i'm just a crazy obsessive weirdo in love with him. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh if he read this blog entry he would tell me to stop contradicting myself because he does care about me and then hug me telling me its ok as he probably laughs silently to himself ugh maybe i shouldn't keep a diary/journal anymore. maybe i should not answer his calls or texts anymore so that will show him i don't need him and that whole in love thing was just a stupid infatuation and its over and i don't know what i was talking about before...

oh who am i kidding....

I'm completely exposed to the one person i wanted to NEVER be exposed to...

i guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens with this crazy mess...

on another note i weighed myself this morning and i didn't gain back 256256256 bajillion pounds so i guess i should be happy about that. but today all i ate were cupcakes and chips and of course more left over thxgivins food ....i'm stopping tomorrow for good. needless to say i did not make my goal for the month and i'm exactly where i started off a month ago which is a bit frustrating but that just means i'm going to have to work ten times harder now. well here's goodbye to november hello december! my birthday is in 23 days! hey look 23 days till i'm 23! hahaaaa

edit: gio just texted me right now

mario and jake want to hang out but i'm too lazy to drive.

i just want to go to sleep and it's not even ten yet. i feel like such a baby. nevermind i am baby.