I just got back from attending a birthday party and dancing all night with my main bestestboy-friend Of course there was birthday cake at the party and man did I really want to just stick my face in it to indulge! #-o I didn't I just smooshed the fork around on the plate. I think the motion of picking up a fork and moving it around on plate was comforting enough for me. Whoa...I think that sounded really weird???...but in a way it satisfied me just to do that and not eat the cake. There was salsa and dip too. It looked really good. I kept staring at it thinking to myself, 'one chip isn't going to hurt...maybe just tonight'...then i stopped. I cursed myself for trying to convince myself that it was ok to eat some chips and dip when I knew that was the last thing I wanted to do. In the end, I didn't eat that either. I'm very proud of myself. Finally! I know now this is the year I will get to a good healthy weight, and finally be a regular girl. I just want to be able to go anywhere and do anything. I don't want my weight to be an issue. If I want to go to a theme park, I don't want to think "am I going to fit on the ride?" If I were to go with friends on tropical get-a-way i don't want to be the only one completely covered up on the beach because I'm embarrassed of my body. It's things like that, that make me feel like I'm a prisoner within my own body. I want so badly to be free.

Speaking of tropical get-a-way, my friends want to go on a 5 day cruise to Mexico. But what do you think is the first thing that popped into my mind when I was invited? "I'm going to look pretty stupid tanning with a t-shirt on when everybody is in bathing suits..." Then my friends are going to think I'm super weird for not owning a bathing suit or getting into the pool. Eh I don't know, I'm working on it