hello! so i've been eating horribly and not exercising...i haven't been weighing myself regularly either. i kind of "let it go"....like i'm still eating healthy but if i want to have dessert i will...even though its pretty much every night. i've been craving carbs too. i've been eating crackers and bread. i know you wonder how in the world am i eating bread well i just eat soup and dip it in there to make it soft so it goes down way easier. i really really should get a fill because even though food still gets stuck i just save my food and eat the rest later when the food gets unstuck which pretty much kills the entire purpose right??...and i'm still hungry-ish. it's like i don't know when to stop unless i'm forced to when it gets stuck...

so anyway me and gio went to this modeling/acting agency and the lady is like so in love with gio ha she thinks i'm beautiful as well but of course i can't do high fashion blah blah because of my weight. she wants me to do commercials and i'm like eh no i don't want to be an actor i much rather be a model. just kind of stand there, pose and take pictures none of that learning lines stuff hahaa that seems lazy but its not because i'm lazy its because i want to be considered "high fashion" too! i mean sure gio is a really handsome guy but i think i'm just as attractive as him. and the only thing holding me back is my extra 75lbs of weight while he eats fast food like InandOut three times a day with chocolate milkshakes and he gains absolutely nothing!!! how unfair is that!!!! urghhhhh!!! i think being around gio 24/7 is making me feel stuck. like i want to be considered equal to his attractiveness yet i'm feeling overshadowed/overpowered by it...i don't know if that makes any sense. i mean i know i'm attractive but to be around a guy that is so close to perfect is like AHHHHH!!! i mean i need to be perfect like him too! i hate being in second place! i know its not a competition but thats just me. i see everything as a competition. i have to be just as good or better. i don't care too much about being the "best" just as long as i have a chance to play the game and may the best player win. i don't know why gio dragged me along to this agency unless of course he thinks i'm just as good/attractive as he is...hmmm well thats a good thing then...gio already sees me as his equal. that makes me feel better. well he better! anyway so we were looking at this one girl's portfolio and she's real pretty with that whole sexy thing going on so she gets lots of bookings for ads like lingerie and club promos etc. i told gio i wish i looked like that..i want her body because she's skinny, tall, and flawless. no flab, no stretchmarks, no cellulite, nothing...i know its airbrush but still...then gio was like well after you lose your weight you will look like her. that made me feel better..me and gio have been seeing a chiropractor well technically he's my uncle but not by blood anyway he keeps telling me to exercise and eat healthy and i'm like duh...then gio is like all she does is eat donuts blah blah and i'm like gio shut up you moron! when he says stuff like that i'm just like what is wrong with you?! if you want me to continue losing weight you need to encourage me not discourage me with your rude remarks and menacing behavior. but gio believes in reverse psychology..i mean it works on me but i know he's doing it so it's useless and he should realize i don't care what he says. well i do care what he says but i like to defy him so the best way to do that is to eat everything in sight! eh not a good thing because the only person its hurting/affecting is me. wow i just realized that right now and i feel really stupid now....

ok starting tomorrow i'm back! GAME ON! give me 6 more months to lose the last 75lbs i know i can! yesssssss! i need to join the gym so i can run on a treadmill because i like that. now i have to find time to go to the gym...i have to stop being around gio so much because every free time i have i'm with him or sleeping sometimes. i'm not really complaining because he's my bestfriendforeverever but we spend so much time together that we get sick of each other real fast but when we're not with each other we miss each other too much. i think it's because we're always together so to be apart doesn't feel right. before i used to be so needy and clingy but now not so much. i love him more now of course then i did before..i think because of it i'm ok with being apart because i know he'll never go anywhere. we got into so many fights and i tried so hard to be rid of him. i stopped returning calls/texts and he just wouldn't accept the fact that i hated his guts as an answer. hahaaaa i didn't really hate him i was just extremely angry/upset, but after a day and a half of ignoring him and ten bajillion phone calls from him later i decided he learned his lesson. he's been "good" ever since. he knows it would be a terrible mistake to ever lose me. i'm happy that he's well aware of that.

i'm tired got to work early tomorrow ugh i hate work and morning shift but at least i get to see giovanni's face bright and early tomorrow since he's picking me up and dropping me off at work. love him well goodnight