ok so i'm cool today. i gave my two bestfriends a piece of my mind so they know exactly where they stand with me. the first one is the one in sf who upset me which in turn made me get super serious about my lifestyle change. we wrote more but this is pretty much the important part:

On Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:15 AM, M wrote:

when you've managed to push me away for the last time will you get it then? don't think i'm just being "crazy mal" when i really do stop returning your email/calls/texts for good. i'm finally realizing the people who are real and who's just there because they're bored and waiting for someone better to come along. i've never thought that about you but present situations have shown otherwise

--- On Sat, 7/5/08, J wrote:

Date: Saturday, July 5, 2008, 4:21 AM

not true. i love you girl which is probably why i feel like i can be myself with you, even when myself is an inconsiderate b---- because its love. and that is meant to be unconditional. i always talk about you to people because you're my bestfriend and i'm proud of that, not because i don't have someone else. I have tons of people in my life but i realize no one will ever understand me, even when you don't, like you do which is why we're friends we are connected. I don't think you're "crazy mal" but this is part of who you are. this is part of who we are as friends. if we didn't challenge each other from time to time we'd be useless/pointless. but no i still won't get it if you never talk to me again. I think she finally got sick of not liking me enough, and having to deal with my crap.

On Saturday, July 5, 2008 4:25 AM M wrote:

ok i'm going to sleep

i don't know, i'm still wary about her...

and now on to my other bestfriend...i was really mad at him last night when we were at a party. so he was totally inconsiderate last night because i asked him to do something for me and he didn't. not because he didn't want to but because he forgot! how can you forget about me!!!??! :lb12: i was so upset that i was thinking of storming out the party and going home and never speaking to him again! but i thought about it rationally and knew that i would look like an idiot for walking out mad when nobody even knew what i was upset about. eh anyways the next day(today) he told me that our other friend was mad at him because he was really rude. i told him yeah he was rude and inconsiderate. of course he was shocked to hear me say that so he didn't respond back to me. but then i told him it was ok because it was a party so there was a lot going on so its not that big of a deal. easily forgiven because it was silly little mix ups.

speaking of bestfriends.. i recently saw an old childhood bestfriend of mine. we no longer talk because we had a falling out. so anyway i see him and he doesn't even acknowlegde me. I knew he knew it was me but he still said nothing. I can't understand why he can't forgive me for something i did when i was 13! ugh! he didn't even try to talk to me!!! and no i was not the only one to blame for the falling out. he knows what he did, to make me do what i did. whatever. its so dumb!!...but still, i can't help but feel sad about how things turned out. if that never happened i know we would still be bestfriends to this day. my two bestfriends i have known one for 8 years (the sf one) and the other for 13 years (the INCONSIDERATE one last night). So i stay with my friends forever unless something huge happens. but then i think well if he was still my bestfriend to this day i might not have these two that i have now..because i would have been like i already have a bestfriend why do i need anymore?...plus i don't think i would be the person i am today if we were to remain friends. i really like the person i am now (other than the weight, everything else is great!) i should stop thinking about it. what happened, happened. i can't change the past, and i refuse to live in it anymore. i'm grateful for the people in my life. but sometimes i take it for granted and thats why i get so hurt when they don't comply to me! that sounded really horrible..eh.

my coworker/friend offered me a piece of homemade cake today with my favorite kind of creamy icing.. ( i turned it away politely of course. then it seems liked everyone around me was eating all my favorite foods!!?!! one girl had hawaiin food and another had noodles!! ( so i just say quietly at my desk burying my head into a novel i was reading to keep my mind off food. i know i'm doing so well because i can wear things that i used to never wear because they were too tight but now all those things are hanging off of me. so this week all i've been eating are those salads from trader joes called the southwest salad the reduced fat one. it's so delicious! i bought enough for the entire week well until thursday when i get sick of it and want to eat something different. maybe next week i'll eat only tofu. i'm weird like that. i like change but i like routine as well until i feel like changing it up which is very often. i'm still looking at recipes and figuring out how to make them healthy/low fat. one day i'm going to actually cook these recipes because i'm finding so many delicious recipes! so this is another weird thing about me but i'm an on-off again vegetarian. the longest i went without eating meat was 5/6 months. it wasn't really a way to lose weight it was more of a preference. i don't really like meat all that much. i just eat it because its in stuff. chicken this chicken that..you can't really get away from it. but the foods i love are pasta/noodle dishes, bread, and desserts (anything sweet). yeah i definitely know why i'm fat. Anyway I'm figuring out alternatives to my favorites foods which i'm finding there are a lot of things that are really healthy instead. and i'm an on again vegetarian..again..

i was ten minutes early for work they think a silly little "final warning" is going to phase me?! yeah right. it's going to take more than that! people think that i won't make it and they just assume they can brush me off. how silly of them to ever underestimate me. that statement applies to every aspect of my life. i will show all of them!

but mostly this is something i need to do for myself and only for myself. it just helps to keep me motivated knowing that nobody thinks i can do it. in the past i felt like i couldn't do it. but these past few days have really been challenging. there were so many times i could have just been like yeah sure give me that hamburger hand over that cake but i didn't. something inside of me just said no. i'm just so over that. i'm happy now that it finally clicked for me. it took a long time for it to finally click but i KNOW now this is real and my time is now.