I feel like a fraud. i didn't go back on my diet. i was doing good for half a day and something just hit me. before i knew it i was being served smores and had chocolate dripping on my face. ugh......MARIO! everytime i'm around him and he's being "bad" i just want to be bad too. Its so funny because he's part of my inspiration and also a part of my destruction! anyway i think i'm over it now. i ran out of food spending money and accidentally over-drafted my account ( now they charge 34 dollars for every purchase over!! but at least i get paid this friday. speaking of work i've been early everyday since receiving my "final warning" about my attendance. i'm not worried about it anymore because i know that i can probably go 3 months without an incident. that's just how i am. when someone tells me that i'm messing up somewhere, they just need to tell me once and i fix the problem.

i wish i could be the same way with people...the thing with people is that if they "tease" me i just kind of shake it off and let it be, but then they think its ok to keep doing it. then before you know it i blow up and the person just thinks to themselves "omg she's lost it, what a crazy!" and i'm like no i'm not crazy, you're the idiot who keeps saying dumb things to upset me!! i wish i didn't keep it all in. i wish i could just be brave and confront the person right then and there! ...i feel like lately i've been doing that. yes i really mean it. so remember that guy i was talking about at work who said "leopards don't change their spots"...well he also says other things that really annoy me. so he started calling me the "cnn reporter" because something happened several months back where a "rumor" got out of control and of course the finger was pointed at me. i don't want to get into details because that story is wayyy too long but short story is don't ever repeat something you've heard from a spiteful jealous child of 23. yeah so this girl (spiteful jealous child of 23) told me something and i told a person who then repeated it to someone else, who then repeated it to the person who the rumor was about, then things got out of hand. so because of that incident i'm the one that's not to be trusted because i "tell everybody everything"....first of all i only confide with 5 people at work. they are my friends outside of work as well and one of them is mario so he doesn't count because he's my bestfriend. so the 4 other people did not repeat this "rumor", it was that one person who told the WRONG person this information. those 4/5 people are the people i share my deepest feelings and life with. I trust them all well except one but its not that same person that told that stupid person who got everyone in trouble. its another one but that's besides the point. the point is i still trust those people. they are the only ones i wish to talk to about anything. so no i did not go running my mouth or "telling everybody everything"...STUPID. i'm really annoyed that my reputation as being trustworthy has been tarnished in the eyes of others because they don't know the real story behind the situation. so back to the whole "cnn reporter" business..he constantly says "there's the cnn reporter!".."there she goes!"...like really annoying stuff so yesterday i let him have it! i said "how am i the cnn reporter when you're the one who's loud as hell!" then he just looked at me really surprised and didn't say a word after that. and all today i didn't hear one smart remark out of his mouth. yeah that's right! i did it! i finally stood up for myself! everybody was so shocked when i said that but i told them he had it coming! he's been making that stupid remark for months now and its not funny anymore, its harassment. but if he thinks he can start with me again he has another thing coming! did i mention this guy is the first to snitch on you! yeah he's that person who will be the first one to throw you under the bus to save himself! DISGUSTING! and he's like in his 50's SERIOUSLY NOW! you would think because he's older he would be wiser but that's far from the truth. sometimes he texts or calls me and i'm like really don't want to talk to him because i don't like him as a person and definitely not as a friend now. he's done other things in the past that has made my trust in him disappear. he threw me under the bus and several of my confidants. none of us trust him..you can't trust a rat. so if he says something else to me i'm going to call him out for the RAT he is! I'll say it loud and "broadcast" it for the whole office to hear so he'll eat his words! sorry..i sound really vindictive but i rather not be this way. its just sometimes people really need to be put in there place and nobody deserves to be disrespected by a fool who is exactly what he claims others are! if you're pointing the finger you have three pointing back at you!!! so there!

speaking of trust and standing up for myself..let's go back to that sf friend of mine... so she texts me today and it reads:

text message 1) Just left the aquarium in monterey and stoke some water un detected.

text message 2 sent three minutes later) I can't believe we still haven't been to seattle we should go and i promise i'll do my best not to ruin our friendship

then i reply:

Ha yea sure plus u already know if u start w any crap there won't be a nxt time.

She didn't reply back. GOOD. she knows i mean business. she's on a road trip right now cruising along the california coast. that's cool she needs to travel because she doesn't go anywhere. her moving to sf was pretty much the biggest and absurdest thing she's done. the only reason why she moved there is because i told her i wanted to go to school out there so basically i was going to move there first. plus i was born and raised in the bay area so really.. I am from California and i've been up and down that state so many times so i could care less if she's in monterey or wherever. i think they're coming down to vegas. i don't want to see her face because she'll probably do something to upset me and then i'll end up telling her off (possibly punching her in her big fat mouth!) and then that would be the end of our 8 year friendship because i warned her. i think she's forgotten how to act around me or treat me. she's lived in sf for a year now and we see each other er maybe 3/4 times a year when we used to hang out like everyday for 5 years straight. she was never ever rude or mean to me. she never disrespected me or would treat me any way other than how a bestfriend should act. you know.. laugh, joke, talk about everything and anything..but now its like i don't want to open my mouth because i'm afraid she's going to come at me with a snide comment just to be an EVIL RUDE PERSON. and that is definitely not how you should feel around you're "bestfriend". i'm not saying i want her to be walking on egg shells around me or not to be herself..its not about that. its about being honest and not covering up how you really feel with sarcasm or "witty remarks", which are not witty at all, it's just mean and childish because remember what she said about being sorry for being rude because she wanted to end the conversation but at the same time make sure i knew she didn't "care"...well she could have said that instead. she could have said "ok i want to end this conversation because whatever i'm over it"...or something like that...i mean how hard is that?! the whole thing could have been avoided if she wasn't so dumb. ok i'm done talking about her because it just makes me angry to think that someone i trust, love and is basically my sister/family because we grew up together, could be such an IDIOT. whatever i'm over it.

ok back to me! so here i go for real now! back on! and i'm not going to hang with mario this week...ok ok maybe i will but i won't go indulging in any smores!!