babymk

i can't believe it! i'm going to be 24 in 19 days! blahhhh so i've been at the same weight for several months. at least i'm not gaining but i figure that hershey's chocolate creme pie isn't doing me any good either... my hand is good. healing nicely the doctor says. so i'm dating that sf guy now, but i told him i didn't want a relationship like boyfriend/girlfriend. he was really upset about it, but eh what can i do..he lives in sf i live in vegas. well speaking of that i'm moving to sf with jeri! we're hoping it can be for the new year but that's coming up real fast. (but that doesn't mean i'm going to be his girlfriend when i move there tho) gio is really upset with me for even thinking about moving. but i told him i need to move on with my life. so he's been distancing himself from me. we got into really really huge fights the past couple of weeks. i know our relationship is crazy and i always talk about how much he hurts me, but i do love him. i love him with all my heart but our relationship is not healthy. definitely not healthy.. he got arrested in miami for "obstruction of justice"..i guess that attitude and mouth of his got him in big trouble. he spent the whole day in jail while i was hanging with this other guy i was dating in miami. oh yeah i was dating this guy in miami but i pretty much broke it off because he wanted to be exclusive and i told him no. i know you're probably thinking what's wrong with you girl can you not commit?? well no i can't. not right now anyway..i'm only 23 they are older than me well they're both 28 i mean not too much older but guys at that age are looking for something more serious and i'm sorry but i cannot give them what they are looking for. but it's hardly called hanging out when the whole day you're trying to get your friend out of jail then driving all the way to north miami to find the bailsbondman to pay 400 dollars to..but gio was fine and he was just happy to get out of jail. the next day we sunbathed on the beach. then when we got home we got into a fight and i ran away to sf. then that's when i realized i needed to move to sf because that's where i was happy, free, and could finally live my life as an independent adult..i guess... anyway i'm learning how to play the guitar. my friend Luis and I are going to post some youtube videos of us collaborating haha. oh yeah i can sing. so i wanted to learn how to play the guitar so i can make some acoustic songs of my own. i'll probably post the link here so you can see. ok going to watch movies now bye! <3 Mal (: edit: i've been looking at everyone's progress and i feel like i'm falling behind. so i'm going to get moving again. hopefully my next pic update will include 50lbs gone.

you know what i figure it's just a bad habit that you've had for awhile and you just need to wean yourself off of it. like biting your nails or saying cuss words etc. i mean i love eating that's why i got fat but i replaced old habits with new habits. you can still have the things you like but just eat a little bit. don't go overboard. one piece of chocolate is fine, but come four or five that's when you need to stop. you need to learn when to stop. plus a very good and wise person once told me why spend so much money on a lapband and go through this process if you're going to ruin it with the bad habits that you got you there in the first place. anyway i'm no saint i'm still fighting my demons. but i haven't gained any weight back. i've lost 150 lbs from the surgery. i'm not where i would like to be yet and that probably has to do with the fact that i haven't completely wean myself from my old habits. but when i do theres nothing stopping me except me. so just remind yourself why you got the band in the first place maybe it will make you think twice before "sneaking." <3 Mal.

-i broke my hand. it's going to take 6 weeks to heal. i feel off a scooter, vespa, to be correct. gio was trying to teach me how to drive it while we were in miami. i got scared, stopped accelerrating in the middle of a turn and splat..i guess i landed on my hand in just that angle to cause a fracture. -other than that miami was so relaxing of course when i wasn't fighting with giovanni the clearest waters and whitest sands and the warmest weather ever! oh yes we're going back on the 11th for another week. -i'm thinking of heading to hawaii for my birthday this yr. alone. i'm kinda serious, but i'm sure when people find out they're gonna be like wah wahh i wanna go so i guess sure why not -as of right now i'm in sf hanging with jeri and her 5 roommates! i love it! i'm not even joking. it's so much fun living with a bajillion girls. it's like a 24/7 sleep over yay! i've been here for over a week and have to leave thrus and i don't want to but i guess i have to do laundry and repack for miami -oh yea i kinda quit my job of 3 1/2 yrs because i was pretty much over it. and it was the best thing i have ever done for myself! it was kinda sad because my boss really loves me and he was about to cry. i was like ron its ok its a beginning not and ending. he was like yeah i know i don't know why you even stayed here for so long and i was like right me too! hahaaa -halloween was sooooo much fun! mario and jake came to sf and we partied all night it was awesome! jake and i have been sorta on the outs but when we all hung out again it was like nothing changed..yay! -i really love indian food. naan is the best! -i have a date this wednesday with an sf guy..how weird..i never get dates. guys never ask me out..but lately i can't stop getting asked out or stopped in the streets by some guy asking for my number -well anyways pics to come! check out my album to see them k bye! love, Mal <333

http://chelseanicoleblog.com/category/weddings/ it's under Joanna and JR's wedding. From left to right of the bridal party: My sister, ME, Mili, Joanna aka the bride, Dalon, Jenny, and Tutu. I don't know why me and my sister are always doing our own thing with wayyy too much attitude to boot! p.s. this is only a preview, the photographer hasn't released all photos yet. p.p.s i uploaded the photos to my album as well! -me and gio are going to Miami for Gio's 21st bday! -i think he's going to win the bet... -maybe i can just starve myself..blah.

haha i try thanks!

-been staying at the same weight for the past couple months... -decided to become a vegetarian so i would be forced to incorporate more veggies and fruits into my diet -cousin's wedding was a blast. fit into my size ten dress! i'm still "bigger" then all the cousins well because they're like 5'1 and weigh 100lbs...but i was really confident so it didn't matter. i saw some pictures being snapped on peoples digital cameras and i didn't look humongous compared to my other family members so i think that's an achievement! it sucks to be that one "bigger" family member...because usually if you're fat then some or all of your family is fat but not mine..i was the "special one"..and i got crap for it my whole life from my family. family dinners, parties, weddings..all my aunts would just be on my case about my weight..but not anymore! they were like oh you're so beautiful! -anyway the bet made between gio and i still stands and i have 3 months to lose 30lbs! or i am out 150 dollars! -oh i went to san francisco to visit jeri and i sat on the airplane seat very comfortably! the seatbelt had extra length to it when last year there was no room left for extra. i desperately needed an extender but i didn't dare tell the flight attendants so i just stuffed myself in and didn't breathe. but this year i didn't spill over into the next seat or touch the person sitting next to me at all! and the food tray sat very comfortably above my lap not on my lap..AMAZING! do you know how happy i was that entire flight!?! -i have to post pictures from the wedding and san francisco and just around the town! -i haven't really been working out..maybe that's why i've been severely plateuing.. -we moved into a new side of town. closer to work. no need for gas pretty much hah. i like the new place better. my room is probably 50% bigger and lots more closet room ;] -i wear an xs at old navy now. yip! -i'm going to get to 150 by my birthday! 24 years old and finally how a 24 old should look!

i've been eating nonstop. ehh bisquits and cheese. sourcream and chips. yeah that has basically been my diet for the last 4 days...oh yeah and chinese food...i feel disgusting. its funny because everybody keeps on commenting how good i look and how i'm still losing weight and i'm like REALLY?! i've been eating EVERYTHING and people are just like you look good. i took pictures with my sister yesterday and i was surprised to see myself in the picture because i do look good! hahahaa i mean you know i wasn't like ugh i'm fat and ew, i was just like oh those are cute..mom's birthday was yesterday so we went to dinner, chinese, then bowling. i have to be up like at 630 in the morning. ugh it's almost 1 i need to be in bed now. this past weekend i've only got like 4 hours of sleep each night. too much partying..well i'm off for the next three days so i'm sleeping in except for tomorrow unfortunately. i wasn't late to work though i just got up lacking sleep and all. i've been having a lot of drama lately with "friends". some with the bffs and some with friends of the bffs but whatever i haven't really thought much about it and definitely have not lost any sleep over it. i'm just so over people and their crappy attitude. i'm tired of trying to appease everybody and make nice. it's just not worth it anymore. anyway i'm going to sleep now. gnite

-the p90x is amazing but i've been having difficulty finding that time to get in my workout. gotta make time... -i fit into my bridesmaid dress. the zipper is just one of those zippers that are difficult to go up without someone else helping you. -it's 5in the morning i have things to do today...going to sleep now. bad insomnia...ugh

-Lost 4lbs -i can't believe i only have 50ish more lbs to lose before i'm normal. -i love how people ask me oh how much more weight do you want to lose and I'll say 50 and they just go OH NO you want to be a toothpick or something?! and i just laugh then they tell me just 25 that's it. obviously they don't know how much i weigh. most people think i weigh 150, max probably 170. i just tell them i need to weigh what's healthy for my height, which is honestly the truth. -i still can't fit into my bridesmaid dress. i have one month and i'm a bit worried. it just won't zip in the chest area! and i'm really small on top! it's making me nervous... -got the p90x. starting today, actually right now after i get done typing this -i decided to do the intense fitness workout because i really don't want anymore surgery. I really don't think I should have too much of a problem with excess skin as long as I can really tighten it up. I mean I did a week of nothing but squats and my thighs tightened up real quick, but then of course i stopped and they got all jiggly again. So maybe if i just exercise everything will tighten up on its own and i won't have to get surgery. especially with this p90x -wish me luck

-i haven't lost any weight since last month. really really annoying but at the same time it's not like i was eating the best foods either. at least i'm maintaining and clothes look real good on me. but i do not wish to remain 188lbs forever so i'm kick starting it up again -i ordered the p90x for me and mom. its an early birthday present for her and we're going to do it together. i know you're wondering you ordered from an infomercial?! well technically yes but actually my boss had recommended it to me. he's been on it for a month now and the other day he walked in wearing a small gray tshirt and he looked GREAT! and i literally stopped and stared. i was like wow mark you are getting ripped! and he was like p90x...so i was like i'm sold! anyway that arrives thursday from canada. i love canada and canadians. i'm seriously impressed they can switch from english to french without hesitation..very impressive. - i've been going to the gym for the past two days. i was on the stair master yesterday and i literally was cursing up a storm. that is the toughest hardest thing in the whole entire world! i was sweating and my thighs were burning. i wanted to jump off of it because i felt like i couldn't take it anymore. i was panting and whispering the same swear word over and over again and i'm sure some people heard me because as they passed me they were staring at me sooooo yeahh...anyway i was like what this is really hard ok! beads of sweat ran down my face and i kept telling myself just 15 more minutes just 10 more just 5 more..i put it on that fat burn workout so it gave me different resistance and omg it was seriously torture! but i did it! tonight i'm getting on that bad boy again and hopefully i'll keep the swear word to myself. -Gio has been in NewYorkCity with Diana since Wednesday. that's why i've been able to do whatever i've want for the past few days ;] he doesn't come back till wednesday next week. he's currently fighting with Diana because he told me she's stingy and stupid...ohwow...i told him to be nice and enjoy his time there. i mean it's so pointless fighting and not having a good time somewhere you've never been before just because of something really silly. Gio wants to go to 5th avenue but diana wants to go to the museum. and of course diana wins because they are there with her family so gio really has no say...i know gio is soooo unbelievably pissed because he has control issues and likes things his way or no way. you get the point, but that's gio for you. i'm sure they'll work it out but he made her cry because she recently broke up with her boyfriend well he broke up with her which is even worse because he's sooo hottt..umm sorry but he is anyway he told her wasn't happy anymore...i don't know i mean who talks like that "i'm not happy anymore" . i would be like look you piss me off ok and have a list of cons to tell that person as evidence for me breaking up with them. so it's not like you can be surprised that someone is breaking up with you. if someone gave me a list of bad qualities i would be like wow i do suck..you can't just leave someone with "i'm not happy anymore". you better give me proof! well anyway gio tells her " you're just acting this way because you have no boyfriend and have pimples all over your face".... i was just like gio how could you?...then she started crying..gio is so insensitive and brutal with his words. i would know he's made me cry plenty but now i ignore him and tell him to shove it but anyway i told him i love him and to be happy. that's all gio needs to hear. he's really simple like that. he has a temper like no other but after he's done, he can't stay mad at you and all he wants is to know you love him. and of course give him what he wants hahaaa but he'll do anything for you and anything you say if you say please and thank you. he really is that simple. -Jeri is in NYC too. hahaaa she just got there today and said she took a bus around the corner and it took her an hour just to get around the corner hahahaaa. she's going to be in vegas tuesday the day before gio gets back. we're going to see harry potter that night! eeeep! so excited for this! i've been all about harry potter since i was 15! and now it's kinda almost ending...how sad but it needs to end i can't be 30 and still into harry potter can i???! sure i can! -so i've been buying these form fitting tight dresses from american apparel and they look soooo good on me. i'm even impressed hahaaaa but just even 20 more lbs the dresses would probably look even better. so i'm thinking i probably don't need to lose too much more weight but we'll see

i saw a picture of myself that mario's mom took last year around this time...i was HUGE. and mario was like omg look at how much weight you lost! and i was like omg!!! then mario's mom was like don't delete those! and i was like i won't i like to see old pictures of me being super fat because it just reminds me where i never want to ever be again. everything is good. i feel good. i feel like i can be whole again. i don't need to depend on anyone but myself. i did this all by myself. i don't need anyones help. its nice that they lend a helping hand and i thank them but in the end it all comes down to me. and i thank myself! yayayaya

-gio didn't talk to me yesterday and we're not even fighting. but he found new friends and is doing his own thing which is good for him. -jeri pissed me off because she told "that i need to get my own life"..she said what was going on in my life other then me losing weight and i was like i guess nothing else and she was like yeah..so that made me really mad so now i'm not really responding back to her. then she sent me some lame thing about fate and free will..i didn't want to talk to her about it so i'm pretty much like take your philosophical convo and shove it. -i tried to talk to mario the other day.i called him but he didn't call me back so i finally texted him and he texted me back once even though i was trying to make conversation with him...he tells me he doesn't hate me but its obvious he does. -so i'm sitting here alone on my day off just faking it...pretending that i'm fine and i'm ok and i'm happy and free spirited like nothing can get me down. i guess if i really think i am then i will be..i mean i was just perfectly fine without them in my life so why has my life revolved around them to make me happy and complete? i really need to snap out of it! i need to be happy with myself and find other things to do then wait around for my friends to talk to me! jeezzzzz i'm such a loser sometimes! ok no more being a loser..no more being pathetic obsessive bitter jealous delusional. its all me it's all about being happy its all about being the free spirited happy optimistic lovely me!!!!!!! ok i'm done feeling sorry for myself i'm going to go eat now

so i decided that everybody needs to go. yep. i'm so tired of caring and bending over backwards for people that are completely unappreciative. instead i get called names like "obsessive", "pathetic", "delusional"..i get told i need to get my own life instead of worrying about somebody elses..which is soooooo HILARIOUS since i am the last person to give a DAMN because i am so oblivious because all i ever do is worry about myself! yes i am that selfish! but when it comes to my bestfriends i will stop thinking about myself for once and help them, but instead of getting oh you're so sweet you really don't need to do that, i get told to get out of their life...AMAZING. well...if that's what they want..they all shall receive. oh yes they will receive. i am done with jake. he is a complete and utter mess and i want nothing to do with him. all i ever do is try and try with him and he just keeps pushing me away so now i'm gone. the other three i will keep my distance from. a very far distance. its funny because i tie them altogether and now they want to gang up on me and make me look like the bad guy. whatever. without me they will all soon come undone. and they know this. and i know this. it's just a matter of time. yesss i'm out of the 90's! how exciting! i have two and half months before my cousins wedding to fit into that size ten dress. the chest area is snug but i know soon i will get it loose. i think 20lbs should be just right to get the perfect fit into that dress i'm eating healthy and i'm feeling good well other than those "friends" of mine DRAMA.. but whatever they will not bring me down! me and mom have been hiking in the mountains and walking in the trails! i love my mom she's my bestfriend

changed my goal weight to 130. i've decided that when i reach 150 that's my health goal weight and i'll do a victory FINALLY dance! but for pure vanity sakes 130 is my goal weight. and that will be my victory FINALLY dance all week long woooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!i'm still stuck in the 90's...ugh but i know once i stop eating the carby foods that will diminish.

so me and mom went to breakfast together for mother's day! i got her some clothes and i made her a card. yep, MADE! it took me all day to make too. I'll scan it soon so I can show it. I drew it and everything. it's really nice i impressed myself..anyway mom really wants to go to Hawaii. I was like ooooOO let's go then! she goes yes we will when you get to your goal weight that's your incentive. i was like haha how weird with the incentives lately... i love it because i just keep on losing weight and it's just super amazing! so gio made a bet with me, a sucker bet obviously..he said that he doesn't believe i can be 160lbs by the end of the year...HAHAHAAAAAAA are you kidding me?! i could lose 30 lbs in two months if i really tried and he's going to give me 7 months to do it! hahaha and i thought he was smart...we bet 150 dollars and the loser will pay up. so that's my incentive from gio..money! oh yeah and also proving him DEAD WRONG. anyway gio and i made up well sorta..we're being really distant and indifferent towards each other . It's bothering me a little bit, but it's getting to that point that I'm just really like whatever dude do what you want. like i'm tired of it. it's the same old same old with him and i'm really like ugh just go away then if you dislike me so much. like i don't even know why we're friends because he doesn't even like me. like he's so nice and sweet to diana and he treats me like a dog. and i'm so tired of feeling like second best. i mean all i wanted from the beginning was him and i have him but not the way it should be. like why can't he just be nice to me and not go on his mean streak with his cruel words and discerning looks. he makes me feel so low when i'm around him, like i'm not good enough or that i'm doing something wrong like all the time. and it's so ironic because i know i'm good enough and i know i don't do anything wrong. it's all him. i don't want to sound like i'm all that or what not but i have lots of friends, i mean people always want to be my friend. and he knows that! every person he introduces me to instantly likes me more than they like him! and i end up being their friend way after he's done with them. i don't know if that drives him crazy or if he likes it. i think its both. like you admire it but you're also jealous of it. it's also funny because he's always like trying to toot his own horn like he's like i'm so perfect i never lose at anything blah blah blah and i'm like gio please shut up like you're so lame if you have to toot your own horn...it's pathetic. people that know they are all that do not speak of it, they're always humble and grateful. they don't need to go out of their way to be like i'm better than you. i think he needs to grow up and get real. so last night we all go out like usual but i guess diana is out of school now so she can come out which is cool i mean i like her but i just don't like the way gio treats me when she's around. i'm invisible and once again second best or rather not even best...because i'm invisible remember. so we took separate cars and everything. like i said we're being really distant and indifferent towards each other. so anyway i decided to just be like well i'm not going to be hanging out with him then and treat him exactly how he makes me feel. so i hung out with everybody else but him last night. he tried to make me jealous by being super super touchy sweet nicey nicey to diana and i was like HAHAHAAAA stupid idiot! like it mattered anyway because i was having the time of my life dancing with every other guy friend of mine! i was laughing up a storm with mario MY BFFE! sooooo guess what he does today..he texts mario and goes "omg did you see how jealous she was last night and acting all pouty" then mario was like "um no i didn't notice, she was surrounded all night by guys so i think she was preoccupied"...HAHAHAAAA then mario said that gio was just like "ohh.." and tried to laugh it off like whatever. HAHAHAAAA seriously what an idiot! like who does that?! how was i soooo jealous and pouty when the whole night all i did was dance and laugh with my friends???! i mean is he not only delusional but blind as well?! he's just trying to make himself feel better. sooo lame... anyway i really don't care anymore. i'm really good to giovanni, like really good to him. i'll help him clean his room all day. i'll help him run errands, return merchandise for him, get him food when he's hungry, i'll iron his jeans for him and lint roll them on top of that! i take care of him when he's sick or feeling bad. I'm always sweet and very understanding to him. i'm never unpleasant to be around unless of course he upsets me but even that i just remain silent but i'm not rude. i'm always there for him, no matter what. but he doesn't appreciate me so if he wants to go then by all means please go. it would probably be in my best interest for him to leave. anyway i just need me. i'm losing weight and im sooo close to my goal weight it's just so amazing! like i should be so happy and only caring about myself, not worrying about who likes me or who doesn't. i mean in the end it doesn't matter, the only thing is what makes you happy. if it doesn't make you happy then it needs to go! so here's to me and ridding myself of negativity! yayaya!

-i haven't eaten in two days. I've completely lost my appetite. -i hate gio because he hurts me to no end. -he told me he never thinks i'm going to ever get to 150lbs..i was so pissed when he said that i wanted to jump across the table and strangle him. he of all people know how difficult this is for me and sitting there belittling me is not going to help me with anything! -I told him first of all i've already lost 135lbs so 45lbs is NOTHING! then he goes it's easy to lose 100 or so lbs when you weigh 300+ but to lose 50+ lbs is harder now that i'm at a lower weight. I thought about it and he's right but i know i can still do it. he was like well prove me wrong. and i told him i live to prove people wrong, especially people like him... -i don't want to see him for a very long time. maybe until i get to 150lbs. and then i can be like BOOYA IN YOUR FACE YOU STUPID JERK! *i changed my ticker thing to goal weight of 150lbs just for now. but my main goal weight is 120lbs that's not going to change unless 130 looks good then well you know i'm staying there. but i don't want to weigh more than 130lbs, i know that. i don't want to say oh i'm 5'5 and i weigh 150lbs or 140lbs...well you know.. -... i decided to do the body fat calculator http://www.healthcentral.com/cholesterol/h...t-2774-143.html August 6, 2008 You have 33.8% body fat. You have 86.5 Pounds of fat and 169.5 Pounds of lean (muscle, bone, body water). December 21, 2008 You have 30.2% body fat. You have 66.4 Pounds of fat and 153.6 Pounds of lean (muscle, bone, body water). May 8, 2009 You have 29.6% body fat. You have 57.7 Pounds of fat and 137.3 Pounds of lean (muscle, bone, body water).- good website for protein intake http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/maia25.htm you're supposed to put in your lean body pounds. So I'm supposed to consume about 49g of protein a day. i havent really been taking protein, i've kind of been doing whatever. i guess that's why i didn't lose any weight last month. anyway i'm going to take care of that now. -i've realized something..my bestfriends really do love and care about me..it's probably really frustrating to deal with me when they know I'm trying to lose weight and they're watching me stuff a burrito, cheeseburger, pizza, gelato, etc down my face...gio has no patience whatsoever so when he says stuff it really cuts like a knife. i guess like with what jeri did last year...but i mean do they really have to be so rude about it????!..i mean it's a bad habit that i've been trying to break. i've been overweight my whole life and it's going to take time to change...it hasn't even been 2 years since i got the surgery yet and i think i'm doing a pretty good job losing and keeping the weight off. but i guess they know i can do better...ugh it sucks realizing you're in the wrong...but i have to do the right thing.

-still at the same weight. whatever..people have been telling me i look so good and that i'm "dynamite". hahaaa -i got dress coded at work. apparently my skirts are too short...hahahaaaaaaaaa -i dyed my hair darker because i'm starting to tan and i figure darker hair looks better with golden skin. it's a cool brown instead of orange -i was in la last week and we went to santa monica beach. i took my shirt off and laid out with a bikini top on. wow first time ever in my life was i able to show my body in public like that and not be embarassed. -mario is friends with jake again, but now gio is obsessed with being bestfriends with mario and jake is jealous so he's trying to be bestfriends with gio. hahaaaa anyways... -i figure if it has nothing to do with me i really don't care or want to hear it. -yeah i'm pretty selfish. -me and jeri are now obsessed with the gym and looking "good". we text constantly about how we're at the gym working out. it's so amusing. we also talk about eating healthy. jeri is a vegetarian for like two years now and she decided to become vegan to lose 30lbs. because she's 160 right now. i was like whoa jeri we're only like 35lbs difference now and she was like wow. before i was always 100lbs heavier than her. it feels so good to be almost equal amongst your peers and not be some abnormal freak. -did i ever mention i got two tickets in barstow for going 100+?? well let me tell you something..barstow police/court system does not mess around. i was found guilty on both charges (2k down the drain), got my licensed revoked for 30 days, and was forced to look at the death book. it's ok, I deserve it and i'm grateful that i wasn't one of the pictures in the death book. -today is my day off and i'm really happy. i'm happy because i'm alive, healthy, getting fit, good friends and family. i'm just really loving life right now

anyway so i got to hang out with gio's other bestgf, Diana, this sunday. Surprise surprise I really like her. She's really quiet and calm. She's not rude or stuck up at all. And she gave me lots of insight on gio and why he's absolutely insane! hahaaaaa! she told me that they used to fight like all the time but now she's learned to just "yes him to death". those were her exact words too! hahaaaa what a funny sweet girl no wonder why he likes her. which makes me think why does he like me? i think i'm the exact opposite! when you first meet me i'm loud, "rude", and give off the impression that I am just so "it"...I really don't mean to, it just kinda happens....if that makes any sense. but then when you really get to know me i'm really quiet and calm, unbelievably humble and just really down to earth. I like simple, but lots of people think i'm high maintenance. i really am not. I can walk out of the house without an ounce of makeup on and my hair in a ponytail and be every bit comfortable. i'm happy with everything given to me and i really do appreciate everything i have. mario and jake aren't best friends anymore. they are so stupid. now jake is texting me. i mean me and jake are cool but ever since he was like "i don't like gio and i don't like you being his friend so i'm not going to be as close to you anymore" i was like "jake you are dumb goodbye". and look who is crying to me now?! and now that mario doesn't have jake he's like texting and talking to me all the time...and of course gio is like physically/emotionally dependent on me because he never leaves my side it's like now i have three boys pulling me in each direction! well...i'm so glad that gio does have diana because she talks some sense into him. i don't think i'm that good for gio because i feed his ego and i do pamper him but that's just how i am...I love my friends so I'm going to be sweet to them but when i'm mean i'm really mean so i guess it kind of throws them off... i really hope mario comes out of this "i don't want to be jake's friend anymore" phase. but for some weird reason i don't think he's going to change his mind. jeri wants to move to LA next year with me and mario. i told her gio is going to want to come as well. she then said "he is not allowed to live with me"....hahahaaaaaaaaaaa oh wow.....mario was trying to be nice to gio but he can't stand him. and jeri can't stand him as well and she only met him once or twice. but gio likes mario and jeri....well i mean because they are my bestfriends. but that sucks that my bestfriends don't like my other bestfriend. i was thinking, why is it that i seem to be the one stuck in the middle?? i was telling Diana that it was the hardest thing ever to be neutral when it comes to gio and anybody else...its like if gio doesn't like that person i'm automatically supposed to hate that person as well when i'm actually really cool with that person..mario on the otherhand really doesn't mind who i talk to even if he is "enemies" with them. and well its really easy for me and jeri to remain bestfriends because she lives 600 miles away and we don't associate with any old classmates or friends to tear us apart. oh yeah all day today i ate sweets and carbs...i was just so tired and i wanted comfort food. last night mario gio and i went to the gym to workout but i wasn't in workout clothes. i had flats on so i just used the elliptical machine and sitting bike thing. gio made the resistance on my bike go to max and i couldn't do it so it kept restarting...i told him to stop because he's stupid but he wouldn't. so he turned it down but made me keep pushing forward. ha that's why i love him. he pushes me i appreciate that. then he made me and mario do stretches and mario kept laughing so i kept laughing. then gio got upset and he made me get into a stretching position then he applied pressure on me which of course hurt like crazy!!! he did it on purpose anyway tomorrow is a new day and no more carbs or sweets for me for a while. anyway i'm exhausted and i'm going to sleep for 12 hours. gio is going to be over at 2pm but im not going to open the door for him because he told me he was going to tase me tomorrow with that stupid taser he bought after we watched that movie "last house on the left" because he really believes he's going to get abducted by three psycho killers...i told him i was going to drive his pretty red sport car off a cliff if he even thinks about it.

I decided it's better to not care and to be selfish. Life is better when you "live and let go". Seventeen more pounds to go before I'm out of the "obese" zone. I've never felt better.

so for a minute i had thing for crystal light, but of course i'm not anymore because i read the ingredients. it contains aspartame which contains methanol which is an ingredient found in embalming fluid. but wow did it taste delicious. so i'm on the hunt for something to flavor my water minus the embalming fluid...ha. i found this thing called "zenergize" it's basically a supplement tablet. i got raspberry green tea flavor. it just gives the right amount of kick to my water. so my coworkers and friends are like so amazed by my weight loss. my one friend was like how much have you lost and i said 131lbs. he was like you're doing good. you look like a completely different person. he said i didn't look the same anymore and i was wondering what he meant. then i said was i really that obese before?? then he was like you want me to be real? and i said well yeah...then he was like yes you were. and i was like oh ok...i mean it doesn't really matter now but it's kind of annoying to think that's how people saw you. i mean of course they see you physically but i mean i'm more than just that. and the thing is people that knew me didn't see me just as the "fat girl". but to others that don't know me i guess i was just that fat girl...well technically i still am...i mean i still have 79lbs to lose and that's not a little. but compared to 100+ that's pretty much nothing right ha. My friend says I'm skinny now and i do not believe that at all. To be 79lbs from the weight you were meant to be is not skinny. so i found this weight chart, broken down by frame size, height, and sex. 5'5" - 117-130 / 127-141 / 137-155 so i guess i'm about 69-79lbs away from being healthy. which is a great GREAT accomplishment from being 131lbs overweight before. i just got really happy because i can't believe i'm actually doing it. the band was probably the best thing and smartest thing i have ever done in my life. but i hate when people find out. they make me feel like i "cheated". cheated HA! I could have not used my band at all. i could have kept stuffing my face with the wrong foods and not lose any weight or lose minimally. my friend also got the band maybe 4 months after me or so i'm not sure but she wasn't that far behind from me. anyway our weight loss difference has been significant. everybody can physically see my weight loss. it's kind of a dramatic difference but my friend's its sorta like oh you lost some weight but nothing as "dramatic" as mine. i've realized it's because she has not changed her eating habits. everybody constantly asks me how are you losing weight and i'm like fix what you eat. it's all about the foods you put into your body. if you eat junk your body will be exactly that, junk. well ha exception the boys in life. they eat everything disgustingly bad for them and it's like it just flushes out of their system! ANNOYING. especially gio ugh how frustrating! he will sit there and eat fast food before a modeling shoot and he's just like whatever normal. but you really can't eat that forever it will catch up with you in the long run. gio is just really active. he's always running around town doing something so he can eat like that without a hitch. speaking of gio..he went to see some psychic card reader lady last night and she told him i was in love with him and that i'm angry because i didn't receive affection in my life from my father. HAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA what a load of crock. i love gio but i am definitely not in love with him. he is a huge disaster and we have nothing in common well other than the fact that we understand and care about each other immensely, like family. my feelings are very strong. i'm dramatic and extremely intense. i wish i wasn't because people mistake it for insanity hahahaaa! but anyway when my feelings come out they're so strong that people misinterpret them for something that it's not. like gio thinking i'm in love with him when that's not the case. i'm into alternative music and lots of underground things. and he's all mainstream and prep. I actually like to read and enjoy intellectual endeavors and he has no patience for books only car magazines. i mean seriously now. he is far too shallow for me and i can't stand him most days. he's always grouchy and/or saying something rude. why would i ever be in love with someone like that? if i ever was, trust me, i'm quickly falling out of love. and affection from my father....my father was a mess he had a huge alcoholic problem and loved his alcohol more than his family. my mom being the smartest and most loving mom ever said you know what that's not what i want for my children to grow up with a man who rather drink his life away. Do i feel like i'm missing out? no. am i angry at my mother for taking us away from a man who didn't know what the word father meant? no. i am unbelievably grateful towards her. am i angry that i didn't receive affection from a fatherly figure? ehh maybe but not really. the way life worked out i think it was meant to be and i'm not angry about the past . you can't change the past so why be upset about it in your present which would only mess up your future. also that psychic said something about me being angry with my mother as well for not showing enough affection. BAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i'm just not a mushy gushy person. my mom knew that about me as a child and as an adult. my mom is wayyy affectionate but i hate it. i hate the "smothering" because i'm so independent. as a child i hated being "the child". i wanted to be an adult so bad. i hated being treated like i didn't understand when i understood completely. when i was about 12 years old we went to germany to visit my family and my aunt was always like the "kinder" (means children in german) need to be over there. and i was like AHHH i'm not a child!! stop treating me like i can't walk across the street without getting hit by a bus! i can look both ways and move my legs to get across the street thank you very much! you know what made me really angry was the implication that because i didn't "receive affection" i was not loved. that i don't feel loved enough and thus far am an angry bitter person and my mother is a bad mother. do you know how much it infuriates me to no end when someone talks or implies vicious lies against my mother. my cousin said something awful about my mother and i still have not fully forgave her. it has been a year. so if gio thinks implying my mother does not love me he will not know what wrath is until he gets a taste of mine. nobody talks bad about my mother. nobody. anyway this morning when gio picked me up i was trying to explain everything i had felt and analyzed that night when i was by myself. actually i had gone to the gym and jogged on the treadmill nonstop for 10 minutes then walked 20 but fast pace of course. so i had time to clear my mind and really think about what this psychic was saying about me. anyway i told gio i was not in love with him. and he got a bit angry because he said you admitted to it last night why are you trying to lie now. i said because i'm not. my feelings are being misconstrued. i don't clearly understand them myself so who are you to say that you know how i feel when i don't even know how i feel? so i analyzed the situation and i am clearly not in love with him. at first i was highly infatuated with him but now it's turning into something more steady, stable, and comfortable. the psychic told him that deep down inside i was in love with him. and yes he is in the core of my heart because of all he has done for me. he has made me a better person simply by just being him. i'm in love with that. i'm in love with him for making me finally love myself. i get it now. but i'm not going to tell him that because he wouldn't get it. he just thinks i'm in love with him and want to marry him like some crazed obsessed fanatic ha. i think he likes the idea of me being "in love" with him because when i tried to tell him i was not he was getting so angry. then he would say things like ha i just caught you staring at me you are so in love with me and i was like hahahahaa you're such a loser! anyway i'm over this.