babymk

Thank you!

i am now out of the 200's!!!! i have been in the 200's for half of my life probably since i was 12 or 13! i cannot believe it! i am so happy!!!!!! yessssssssssssssssssssssss i know it's still 199 but i'm in the 100's now! i can honestly say no i'm not 200lbs or over that ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ :D :D :D

oh wow so i'm minding my own business today and just taking a day off to watch movies by myself with my window open and the fresh sunny breeze sweeping through. and guess who is calling me? yes that giovanni once again...so he's just asking me what i'm doing and i'm like chilling then hes like ok bye. anyway he calls me 15 minutes later and is like we're going to eat be ready in 15 minutes then he hangs up on me. great. so now i have to get ready because he's going to be over and this boy doesn't take no for an answer especially from me because he will literally drag me out by my legs kicking and screaming. hahaaa so i get ready and i meet him downstairs. so i knew instantly he was not in a good mood at all. so i tried to stay quiet and calm but he kept snapping at me and being really mean. so i was like gio what is wrong with you you're more on edge now than ever and he kept saying nothing was wrong with him so i kept my mouth shut and when he was mean i just kind of let him say whatever he wanted without arguing back. usually i fight with him till no end and tell him i hate his guts and to leave me alone. anyway so he stops at mcdonalds to eat and he knows i detest fastfood esp. mcdonalds and i know he did it to piss me off because he loves to mess with me. but i didn't care i was like just take me home i don't want to be around you.. then for some reason he was like let's go food shopping for you so we can plan your meals. then i was like um ok...so we're grocery shopping for salads and healthy food. then we come back home and he's preparing all my food for me. putting things in tupperware and stocking up my fridge. saying things like you can have a salad for lunch and strawberries as a snack.. he is sooooo weird...why does he think it necessary to say mean and hurtful things towards me but yet his actions totally go against what he says...i tell him i love him all the time but maybe i don't show it because i don't really call or text him but why should i? i'm kind of one of those girls that are completely indifferent i guess you can kind of say "cold"...i don't mean to be it's just that i don't like to bother people too much. but i should know by now that i don't bother gio, he probably wishes i did call or text him more often or asked him to do things instead of him always calling and asking me to do things. but he's that type of person that if you suggest it he doesn't want to do it. so i don't even bother. but i guess he just likes to hear it at least. eh whatever. i'm just going to let him be. he's with his other friend's boyfriend's birthday party at the venetian casino. i don't think he really wanted to go because he was hanging around me way too long.then i told him i was going to the gym and he was like i want to go to the gym..i was thinking to myself you have a party to attend you should leave now..please leave..ha it's so funny because he says i have jealousy issues and to a point i do but once i realize i have nothing to be jealous of everything just washes away from me. i used to be so jealous of gio always going out and hanging with his friends or that girl best friend of his but i'm looking at his actions and he contradicts himself everytime. he's always around me 24/7 he's always calling me just to talk to hang out. so i know he loves me so much. i mean who prepares your food for you for a week if they didn't care about you tremendously??? who calls you all the time and wants to be around you all the time if they didn't love you??? such a sweet boy.... well i'm going to the gym now bye!

the gym is FANTASTIC!!!!!! i'm really sore but i weighed myself this morning and i lost 2 more lbs!!! amazing! i knew this weight has been dying to just come off. all it took was some action on my part. i'm happy i took the initiative. i want to work out like all the time! i was there for 3 hours. one hour of cardio and then an hour and a half on random machines working out my arms, torso, and legs. then i did the dry sauna! i love the sauna! great workout! i can't wait to do it again tonight! giovanni kept calling me last night while i was at the gym. when i finally called him back he was hanging out with this guy he's "interested" in. so i'm like why are you calling me when you're basically on a date weirdo? but whatever. so it's 4 in the morning and he's calling me while i'm already in bed. he's like oh you're sleeping and i'm like um yeah so we get off the phone. 5 minutes later he's knocking on my window like a crazy! he's all like i'm hungry lets go eat. i'm like um i'm sleeping and eating this late is not good for my weight loss process! RUDE! but i get dressed anyway because i told him i'll just watch him eat. so we're driving for like 2 minutes then he goes nevermind i shouldn't eat this late so we turn back around. i'm really annoyed at this point. i get out of my car and he's like oh wait wait..i'm like go away...and he gets in his car and leaves as i'm walking back to my room. So now he calls me to wake me up in the afternoon and he's like you're still sleeping and i'm thinking to myself what is wrong with this kid?! he harrasses me at 4 in the morning before i go to bed then harasses me at noon before i even start my day! ha whatever it's obvious he crazy loves me what a sweet boy, needy and cocky, but i know he means well and he really does have the biggest heart ever. my gio panda anyway i can't believe it! i'm almost out of the 200s where i have been cursed in for half of my life! when i was 11 i already weighed 190lbs...i know this because i kept a diary when i was younger. it was october 1997 and i wrote "i'm 11 years old and i weigh 190lbs half of what i'm supposed to weigh". yes, i was very perceptive child. sometimes kids don't realize anything is wrong with them but i kind of always knew something wasn't right about me. well not necessarily wrong but not "normal". i mean i thought i looked pretty normal but maybe i wasn't... well i can't believe i'm actually really getting there! I'm actually going to be a normal healthy person! no more if you only lose the weight you could be this or that or you would be so much better blah blah. i'm so sick of hearing those comments. i personally feel like those are backwards encouragement. like a putdown. basically it is because it's like oh you're so smart but now if you could lose the weight you would be so much better..i mean it takes away from the fact that i am smart like that's not good enough because i'm fat. well in due time i'm going to be the best and nobody will ever say anything like that to me again. i'm going to eat now and watch "giant" the other james dean movie! (i already watched east of eden) after watching rebel without a cause i kind of want a red track jacket because james dean makes it look sooooo cool lol

i joined the gym! i'm going to go work out tonight after i eat and finish watching james dean "rebel without a cause" i fell asleep watching it last night...ha guess i was just really tired. james dean is sooo cute! speaking of cute...EDWARD CULLEN! TWILIGHT out on DVD tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so excited! i can't wait! i fixed my IPOD! FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! i have my own music again!!!!! you don't even realize how torturous that was for me to not have my own music and listen to top 40 radio 24/7!!! because the music i like is alternative indie underground stuff and all i have been hearing is nothing but hiphop and rock like nickelback...i mean nickelback??! yessssssssss i'm so happy!!!!! gio just called me and asked me what i did all day and what i plan to do tonight and i told him and he called me boring. whatever. he was laying out all day by the pool and he says hes all red now. ummm ok yeah nice way to get cancer freak...anyway i think he has some party to go to with his other bestfriend because its her boyfriends 21st birthday or whatever. yeahhh so much fun there a bunch of randoms getting drunk and acting stupid. i hate parties...people are soooo typical. anyway i'm really enjoying my time alone and away from him! i really mean that too...i wonder if that means i hate him? haha no i don't hate him, people just need time to be apart that's all. speaking of time apart i haven't seen my sister in a month...hmm maybe i should visit her tomorrow...anyway going to eat bye!

-i'm joining the gym tomorrow -new goal weight: 120lbs -i'm swearing off carbs -i'm swearing off donuts, cookies, and SWEETS in general. -i don't like my mom very much at this point in time. -i hate that giovanni hates it when people think i'm his girlfriend. (i mean what's so bad about me?! ) -i hate when people ask me if giovanni is my boyfriend -i hate that i'm not financially independent -i hate depending on people -i hate filling up my gas tank every two/three days! -i hate people telling me what to do and how to live MY life! -i hate people making me feel like i'm the bad guy -i hate tinted moisturizer -i hate owing people anything -i hate people that don't listen but expect you to! -i hate being fat. -i hate not being good enough i'll show them all. edit: the only person that matters is me. i don't care what anybody else thinks as long as i feel good about myself. and you know what i do feel good about myself. i've worked really hard to get to where i am right now and nobody is going to make me feel like it's not good enough. because it's damn good if i do say so myself! so there! thank you very much!

i'm still the same weight for what like 3 weeks now?! i really need to start exercising. i need to join a gym for reals because i don't have any place to workout i feel weird walking around outside by myself plus that's sorta dangerous... i'm going to go through all my clothes and throw out everything that's either too big or i never wear anymore which of course is because it's too big. i kinda stopped shopping because i need to stop myself from buying clothes now while i'm still losing weight. i need to resist the urge so it can help push me to get to my goal weight so i can have a real reason to splurge! i pick out a few pieces every now and then but i keep in a range of 10-30 dollars every 2weeks to a month or so. i think that's reasonable. ha surprise surprise i'm not with gio today. he says he has important things to take care of..yeah riiight.. then why did he even bother calling me to wake me up so we can go to the chiropractor together but take separate cars when he lives 20 minutes away and coming to my place then heading to the chiropractors would take him 45 minutes instead of 20 minutes from his house. omg i don't care anymore he doesn't know whether he's coming or going and whether or not he wants me to be by his side or not. what a weirdo. he needs to keep his insanity away from me. last night he got buzzed or whatever and was acting a fool. of course i had to take care of him but does he appreciate it of course NOT. idiot. he can go take care of his "important" things without me that's just fine with me. i'm pretty sure he'll be calling/texting/harassing me later tonight. it would probably be best to not respond. mario and jake are going to puerto rico tonight. i have to drop them off at 8 tonight. i pretty much hate those two. always going to island get aways without me whatever everybody sucks whatever i'm done.

hello! so i've been eating horribly and not exercising...i haven't been weighing myself regularly either. i kind of "let it go"....like i'm still eating healthy but if i want to have dessert i will...even though its pretty much every night. i've been craving carbs too. i've been eating crackers and bread. i know you wonder how in the world am i eating bread well i just eat soup and dip it in there to make it soft so it goes down way easier. i really really should get a fill because even though food still gets stuck i just save my food and eat the rest later when the food gets unstuck which pretty much kills the entire purpose right??...and i'm still hungry-ish. it's like i don't know when to stop unless i'm forced to when it gets stuck... so anyway me and gio went to this modeling/acting agency and the lady is like so in love with gio ha she thinks i'm beautiful as well but of course i can't do high fashion blah blah because of my weight. she wants me to do commercials and i'm like eh no i don't want to be an actor i much rather be a model. just kind of stand there, pose and take pictures none of that learning lines stuff hahaa that seems lazy but its not because i'm lazy its because i want to be considered "high fashion" too! i mean sure gio is a really handsome guy but i think i'm just as attractive as him. and the only thing holding me back is my extra 75lbs of weight while he eats fast food like InandOut three times a day with chocolate milkshakes and he gains absolutely nothing!!! how unfair is that!!!! urghhhhh!!! i think being around gio 24/7 is making me feel stuck. like i want to be considered equal to his attractiveness yet i'm feeling overshadowed/overpowered by it...i don't know if that makes any sense. i mean i know i'm attractive but to be around a guy that is so close to perfect is like AHHHHH!!! i mean i need to be perfect like him too! i hate being in second place! i know its not a competition but thats just me. i see everything as a competition. i have to be just as good or better. i don't care too much about being the "best" just as long as i have a chance to play the game and may the best player win. i don't know why gio dragged me along to this agency unless of course he thinks i'm just as good/attractive as he is...hmmm well thats a good thing then...gio already sees me as his equal. that makes me feel better. well he better! anyway so we were looking at this one girl's portfolio and she's real pretty with that whole sexy thing going on so she gets lots of bookings for ads like lingerie and club promos etc. i told gio i wish i looked like that..i want her body because she's skinny, tall, and flawless. no flab, no stretchmarks, no cellulite, nothing...i know its airbrush but still...then gio was like well after you lose your weight you will look like her. that made me feel better..me and gio have been seeing a chiropractor well technically he's my uncle but not by blood anyway he keeps telling me to exercise and eat healthy and i'm like duh...then gio is like all she does is eat donuts blah blah and i'm like gio shut up you moron! when he says stuff like that i'm just like what is wrong with you?! if you want me to continue losing weight you need to encourage me not discourage me with your rude remarks and menacing behavior. but gio believes in reverse psychology..i mean it works on me but i know he's doing it so it's useless and he should realize i don't care what he says. well i do care what he says but i like to defy him so the best way to do that is to eat everything in sight! eh not a good thing because the only person its hurting/affecting is me. wow i just realized that right now and i feel really stupid now.... ok starting tomorrow i'm back! GAME ON! give me 6 more months to lose the last 75lbs i know i can! yesssssss! i need to join the gym so i can run on a treadmill because i like that. now i have to find time to go to the gym...i have to stop being around gio so much because every free time i have i'm with him or sleeping sometimes. i'm not really complaining because he's my bestfriendforeverever but we spend so much time together that we get sick of each other real fast but when we're not with each other we miss each other too much. i think it's because we're always together so to be apart doesn't feel right. before i used to be so needy and clingy but now not so much. i love him more now of course then i did before..i think because of it i'm ok with being apart because i know he'll never go anywhere. we got into so many fights and i tried so hard to be rid of him. i stopped returning calls/texts and he just wouldn't accept the fact that i hated his guts as an answer. hahaaaa i didn't really hate him i was just extremely angry/upset, but after a day and a half of ignoring him and ten bajillion phone calls from him later i decided he learned his lesson. he's been "good" ever since. he knows it would be a terrible mistake to ever lose me. i'm happy that he's well aware of that. i'm tired got to work early tomorrow ugh i hate work and morning shift but at least i get to see giovanni's face bright and early tomorrow since he's picking me up and dropping me off at work. love him well goodnight

sometimes i'm really really stupid...i'm going to stop now. gio and i made up. i started to be more pleasant and more like myself. i guess it worked because it reminded him of why he loves and wants to be around me in the first place. sometimes he would say something rude or try to be mean but he realized i wasn't being rude/mean back or being pouty. but i did get upset once last night because he said i smelled so i walked away from him then he walked over to where i was standing and said oh what are you upset now are you going to cry and get all pouty like usual?! and i simply replied no i just moved away from you because you said i smelled. then he just looked at me then looked away but stayed by my side the rest of the night. so i guess i didn't smell he was just saying it to upset me. but when i didn't get all "pouty" back he realized i wasn't playing that game. he was really sick last night so i took care of him. we were together all day today and he was still sick. he definitely has the flu. my poor gio panda. we got chicken noodle soup together and orange juice. he's not going to school tomorrow, he's staying in bed all day. he should have stayed in bed today but we had things to take care of. love him forever. so 75 more lbs to lose if you think about it i only need 55 more lbs to lose to be considered "normal weight" according to the bmi calculator. and only 25lbs until i'm not considered obese anymore. well at least i'm not morbidly obese anymore. how weird to be considered morbidly obese at the age of 23..anyway no going back to that ever!

i feel so low right now. completely crushed. gio just told me that i have a pouty attitude and that i'm too needy....omg that's the killer. its just i love him so much and he knows everything about me. of course i'm going to need him...but i guess he feels suffocated or something???? i try to leave him alone. like i won't call or text him and he always calls and text me and wants to hang out. but i guess when we hang out i haven't been the most pleasant person. he thinks i take him for granted and maybe i do..but he does the same to me! i don't know anymore. i guess i just i have to let him go and let him do whatever. i just cried for 10 minutes....i woke up like an hour ago. i haven't eaten anything. i haven't done anything but started listening to taylor swift's sad love songs and now i'm blogging on the computer. usually i never have time to do any of this because the weekends i'm with gio 24/7 and even the weekdays. we're always together. maybe we do need a break because we're starting to forget why we liked to be around each other in the first place. we're bestfriendsforever/brother and sister ...but we've been treating each other really bad, like really bad. it's like we don't want to be around each other but that we have to be..it's become like a chore to be together and thats not how it should be. hopefully we can get through this..if not then i'll just have to put myself together after he's broken me down to pieces... i lost another pound. i danced around by myself for half an hour for exercise last night. i don't really have an appetite right now. mario is going to help me with my taxes tonight. mario....my sweet caring bestestfriend who makes me laugh when i'm feeling down who would never tell me he has a life and i need to get over it...hmm yeah mario would never say any of the things gio has said to bring me down. mario would never do any of the crap gio has done to me. now i'm mad! i've been neglecting my true friends for that idiot! i'm so stupid...

good news- i lost 2 more lbs. bad news i'm really 5'5 and i have small bones. i got an x-ray and went to the doctors yesterday. i'm a small frame so technically my goal weight should be like 110-120lbs...ugh how annoying and this whole time i thought i was getting almost to my goal weight and this happens. i'm set back once again and it's frustrating but at least i know the truth now. anyway i'm looking at this chart and it said 130 is still ok for a small frame 5'5 women so maybe i'll just leave it there for now. and when i get to that goal i can focus on getting to a smaller weight if i feel its necessary. i mean i'm 209 right now and i wear small/medium size shirts in jr's and everything else is large. i don't wear XL or anything anymore. so i'm happy for that. The lowest weight i think i'll go is probably 120 and that's it. that's only 10 more lbs so its not a big thing but still. we'll see i guess

so weird! last night i ate a krispy kreme boston creme filled donut, tortilla chips, chocolate, bubblegum, and a taro boba which is the equivalent to a starbucks frapp because it has 3 scoops of vanilla icecream in it..and I lose 2lbs!?!!!!!! what is going on????!!!! i can eat for a whole week straight of good healthy food, salads, fruits, yogurt, lean protein, good fats, like nuts, etc ..and the scale will not budge! but the week i eat everything junk i lose 3lbs that refused to come off for an entire month!?!!! how frustrating and completely wonderful at the same time! i think it probably has something to do with me being extremely active/physical lately. Gio has me running around and walking super fast. he keeps me on my toes. He gets so mad at me because i walk really slow. hahaaa! his walk is like my jog. his jog is my run. my sprint couldn't even keep up with his run. so when he runs i can never catch him so i tend to fly at him when he slows down because its the only way i can get back at him. he does some really annoying things that i just was to beat him up for but i can never catch him! so i wait for him to think i give up then i jump attack him! omgosh we're sooo stupid when we're together and that's basically everyday. this lady in the convenient store had a teacup Chihuahua mixed with a dachshund, i think she said..anyway i was like omgoodness what an adorable puppy! so we're talking and the lady drops her beer on the floor and it breaks and splashes all over the floor at our feet! anyway the two boys working cleaned it up but gio was like omg are you ok do you want me to buy you another beer?! and the lady of course is like oh no no so we're like ok what if we buy your son a donut?! so the little boy who's probably 4 was like yayaa so i grabbed him a pink sprinkled donut out of the display and that's when i get myself that boston creme donut and of course gio looks at me disapprovingly but i didn't care. so we pay for the donut and our gum..then the lady goes are you guys brother and sisters?? and we look at each other and start laughing. then i wrap my arms around gio, look up at his face and say yesss he's my brother forever..then the lady goes oh no you're boyfriend and girlfriend and i let go of gio and start laughing and gio has this smirk on his face and says we're friends. then the boy at the counter who has a crush on me because i've been in there before kind of has this sad weird face going on and i can't stop smiling to myself. i was kind of teasing the counter boy like asking him about his fake id because he looks really young but is actually older than me well he's 24 so its not anything but he looks young like me and i'm just like oh still using your "fake" id and he's like yep and teases me the same. then gio goes why are you flirting with him?! and i started laughing so hard again! then the lady was like you guys are so cute and outgoing and so good and nice! then i said thank you while we were walking out the store. then we get in the car and gio is like do you really like that guy?! i couldn't stop laughing once again! anyway i kind of want a salad from whole foods right now but i know if i was to eat it i wouldn't lose weight! so maybe i should go back to that gas station and get another krispy kreme donut and harass that boy. hahaa jk jk! it's nice warm almost hot weather today and gio goes i'm gonna go swimming in my pool. i smirked to myself because gio doesn't swim because he wouldn't dare mess up his BEAUTIFUL hair! bahaaaa what a loser! the other day we were in the jacuzzi and he kept splashing me with water so i splashed him back and got water on his face and in his hair. he was so angry so he tried to drown me several times! so i flipped him over and dunked him into the water! he was so upset and started whining about how his hair was going to get curly and how chlorine makes him breakout. omg what a baby!!!! so he went crazy on me and i ran so fast to escape his wrath. because even though he weighs 150lbs he's strong and add crazy on top of that! hahaaa we're just like crazy siblings that hate and love each other at the same time. it's pretty awesome! anyway i've been rambling for an hour or two now and i'm starving! k byeee! p.s. 80 more lbs to lose ughhhhhh well 50 to be within the same range as jeri so i guess that's not that bad. and at least it's not 100lbs anymore right!? i just want to be out of the 200's already!

yesssss 1pound lost today!!! and all it took was me to eat a plate of 7layer bean dip and chips, cup of noodles, 2 cups of juice, dark chocolate...see basically nothing but junk and i lost weight?!!! and i only ate all that food because i was at work. i think i emotional eat at work because i hate HATE it there...i'm just over it and i don't want to be there anymore. but i'm too comfortable to quit and get another job because i have "seniority" and i'm not going to find another job that pays that much for doing nothing..well i mean i work but its just so tedious and same old same old that i think i'm just bored, real bored. anyway last night i was dancing for like 2 hours straight. so maybe that's why i finally broke through the plateau. Jake looked at me and said "you have lost so much weight since the last time i saw you it's disgusting!" hahaaaaa and i was like you saw me a week ago jake and he was like well yeah but still you lost so much weight..you know people tell you how much you lose and how good you look and i appreciate it but there's still something in the back of my mind that says its not enough yet. i'm not there yet..it's like yes thank you for the compliment but you're just like i still have so much to lose...i mean yeah i can fit into "normal" clothes now and my measurements are real good but i just want that scale to match. i want it to say that i am just right for my height and weight. i want it to tell me i'm normal. ugh is that weird or sick?? i mean if i had a 24 inch waist and the scale said 150 would i think i'm still fat???? i hope not. i hope i don't have some kind of weird body/mind delusion. no i don't. i know what's healthy. and my measurements are still high so i kind of said whichever comes first..the goal weight or goal measurements. if the goal measurements don't match up with the goal weight then that probably means i need to cut something off like excess fat or skin. i'm noticing my thighs are not tightening up. well i haven't really been working on them so maybe i should but still if i have to cut off that flabby skin fat I WILL. :lol: so lately gio is constantly commenting on when, what, and how much i eat. it's so infuriating but i know he's doing it to make me aware of what i'm eating. i know what i'm eating but sometimes i just want a bostom creme filled dunkin donut! he's like "i thought you were on a diet! i thought you wanted to lose weight!???!!!!" and i'm just like "i'm not on a diet! it's FOREVER! and people sometimes occasionally eat donuts OKAY!!!!!?!!!!!" but then of course he looked at me disapprovingly, mumbled whatever, and walked away from me. needless to say i didn't get the donut. the other day we were at chipotle and all i wanted was the chips with salsa so he got me that and i ate the entire thing. then i ate some frozen yogurt with a bunch of toppings. so gio goes "omg i can't believe you ate all of that..and that was your third meal of the day already too" and it was only like 3 in the afternoon.and i was like uhhhh ..i felt gross. remember when i was pissed at jeri last summer because she kept making comments like that..well i mean she was right. i was eating way too much and now i'm eating wayy too much again. i really need to watch myself because everytime i'm around friends i eat whatever they eat but the thing is they don't have weight problems so they can eat whatever they want. especially gio..he eats so much and the worst food ever but he's so skinny. when we go out to eat we split the item with each other which is really good. then he makes sure i get the smallest size for whatever is i'm eating. but i think he feels bad because he brought me donuts this morning and i was like i don't want those donuts, i wanted that donut, that night, right at that moment. so obviously the "temptation", "moment" was gone and i don't want it anymore. anyway i'm going to get the fill this week for sure. oh yeah my cousin is getting married in september and i'm one of the bridesmaid anyway everybody ordered dresses from jcrew and they didn't have the dress i wanted or in my size so i ended up getting some random dress in a size 10 which was the only one available. so now i have 7 months to fit into a size 10 dress. measurements are M/10 37½-30-40 which are exactly my goal measurements. well actually i would prefer to be S/6 35½-28-38, but i guess we'll see. i told my cousin that i'm still losing weight so i don't know how i'm going to look in september. so i figure getting the size 10 dress was the most logical thing to do. i know i can fit into that dress by september no doubt as long as i stop eating chipotle chips and frozen yogurt right?!! here's a link to the dress that i'm wearing. http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Browse/WomenBrows...42358/78055.jsp

i'm starting to think maybe gio was right about me taking 2/3 years to lose the last 84lbs...i've seriously been stuck at this weight for like a month now..i am so beyond frustrated. but i did lose half an inch from my chest and waist if that means anything. i don't know what is wrong. i think maybe i do need another fill. i probably should. and another thing is i'm not gaining weight, but i'm not losing either. i eat whatever i want and i don't gain. that is so weird because usually if i eat anything its like instant weight gain. but no matter what i eat no matter how awful it is i don't gain.

me and gio just got back from california we were in san diego then decided to drive to LA! yessss i love LA. i so want to live there! it was lots of fun! i worked out in the fitness room for the hotel. walked and jogged on the treadmill for 40 minutes, 2.2miles, and burned 200+ calories or so the machine says i was going to go swimming in the pool but everybody decided to go out to the pool so i was like uh nevermind. anyways i've been spending all my money on new smaller sized clothes of course but its getting me in trouble because i can't stop and i know i shouldn't be spending money on clothes i know aren't going to fit in like a couple of months. all my old shirts are so baggy on me and they look old but i barely just bought them a couple months ago...how annoying.. anyway gio thinks that its going to take me at least 2/3 years to lose the last 84lbs of my weight and i laughed so hard. because i was like noway! the most its going to take is october, the most.. but it definitely will not take me 2/3 years to lose 84lbs. hahaa what a silly boy..but i think he says stuff like that to push me because he knows that telling me i can't do something and/or challenging me really pushes my buttons so he knows that doing that will make me even more determined to prove him wrong because that's what we do. but i think sometimes we push each other so hard that we just lose control of our feelings and go insane. we basically wanted to kill each other this weekend. i would be infuriated with him and he would try to calm me down. then he would be infuriated with me and i would try to calm him down. when i say "infuriated" i mean INFURIATED..like screaming, hitting and threats to hitch hike across town to get away from each other. i don't even know why we're friends???! we hate each other... :lol: :lol: we fight like family like a bitter rivalry but after everything is said and done we're always going to be together forever. i love him i have a blister on the ball of my foot because when i worked out i only had flats not proper running shoes. i mean i didn't know i was going to be exercising so next time i'm bringing sneakers. anyway i think just starting up the whole exercising thing will start up my weight loss process again. its still slowing down but i think thats because i haven't been sticking to a healthy meal plan. i just kind of eat whatever but its not gross/fat food its just regular food, but i know i should be sticking with salads, fresh fruit, and lean protein. so i think my body just wants me to start exercising again or something to boost up my metabolism and start my heart pumping. it felt really good to sweat when i was exercising. the rush and boost of endorphins...i forgot that feeling and how much i love it. i wish this blister would go away eh

i need another fill. the weight loss is slowing down severely. one pound a week is not going to cut it. i can eat wayyy too much again. yesterday i ate this huge huge plate of salad with three eggs, a whole tomato, like 4 ounces of mozzarella and after eating it i was still hungry! can you believe it!?! gio wants to go to sd next weekend maybe i can do it then, but i usually go with my mom and well i don't know...i mean i just don't want to be like oh hey gio by the way i need to hop on over to mexico so i can get my lapband filled..ha actually now that i think about it i think he would like that, but it would take all day so we wouldn't be able to do anything..err i'll just ask him but that's kind of short notice to get the fill or is it like a whatever kind of thing. i have to plan this just right. i don't know exactly what he has planned but you know what i don't care. he's just going to have to realize that it's not always going to be his way. so i let him put the a/c on 60 when we sleep even though i loathe a/c. and i let him listen to his stupid music while he loathes my good taste in music. and he hates when i don't answer his questions instantly and i hate when he gets this domineering attitude with me ...urgh why are we even friends?? its seems like we pretty much hate each other with a passion because we're complete opposites. but its funny because even though we fight, i can't stay mad at him. even during the fight i'm not mad i'm more amused than anything else. anyway i should go eat breakfast. i'm starving. too bad i ran out of cereal and now i have to go to wholefoods and buy the only brand i eat. i love being super picky about food now

so me and gio just got back from san diego. it was lots of fun but very tiring. i got two speeding tickets great now i have to go back to barstow...we got a nissan murano and that car is ridiculously fast like really fast. i was clocking over 100 and i didn't even realize it. each time the cops were so mad at me and made me get out of the car because they thought i was drunk but of course i wasn't. i know all of you guys are going to think i'm really stupid for driving so fast and being completely reckless but i'm really not that irresponsible its just errr maybe i got carried away a little... anyway even though i was on a mini vaca i ate really healthy still. i told gio i refused to eat fast food so we always stopped to eat in restaurants. oh yeah gio knows i have the lapband. i still haven't told mario or jake. it just never came up with them. anyway gio still thinks its super weird when i take like 4 bites and i'm pretty much done. he's like are you full and i'm like no it's just stuck. and then he just stares at me like this girl is so weird and why would she ever want to do something like that to herself...of course he wouldn't understand how it feels to be obese your entire life..and you know what if i can't eat like a whole oversized plate of food for the rest of my life i would be very much fine. he asked me about how much weight i lost and if i was to stop losing weight and stay at this weight i am right now was getting the surgery worth it..and i said a DEFINITE YES! i've lost 116lbs you think i would ever regret that???! NO WAY! walking on the beach was really good for me. being around gio kept my restlessness, worries, and stress away. he takes me away from "reality" and when i'm around him its just me and him nobody else and that makes me feel really happy. i'm kind of fighting with jake right now. he basically doesn't want to be my friend anymore because he thinks he can't trust me which is pretty stupid. i've never done anything to jake to make him lose his trust in me. i know it has something to do with gio but you know what he's just going to have to accept that yes gio is my friend and always will be. i don't care if they hate each other because they are both my friends and if he wants to act like that then maybe he really doesn't deserve me. gio thinks me and jake will be friends again but i really don't think so. he's really upsetting me with his cold/distant passive/aggressive act. i can't believe he's acting like this. i told him i was sorry i tried to talk to him but he is just so set in his stubborn stupidity. i don't know what to do about it so i guess i just have to let him go then...ugh just talking about this is stressing me out. i decided to start running. like maybe just for 30 minutes maybe not run but jog for now anyway. i should go do it right now. but my ipod isn't working and i need music! i have to figure out what's wrong with it. there's a lot of things i have to figure out...

today me and jeri walked like 6 miles to a park, it took us 2 hours! well we walked to the park and skated around for awhile. it was sooo fun and funny! jeri fell like really hard and now her ankle is swollen and she can barely walk on it. then we were supposed to get her a tattoo for her birthday present which is in 2 days but instead i got one haha i didn't even really want another one but i guess my tattoo artist was just like ok lets do this and i was like uhhh ok whatever...oh man...oh yeah and i LOVE GIOVANNI. he's been calling/texting and hanging out with me everyday. not every other day but every single day...i don't know what has gotten into him..its so weird because i kind of actually wanted to stop being dependent and hanging out with him, then he switches it up on me. like he's dependent and clingy on me now. very interesting...anyway i've becomed obsessed with grey's anatomy. mario bought it for jake's christmas present season 1 on dvd and we watched all of it. then mario bought season 2 asap and now i'm watching disc one..well trying...gio hates it when i watch movies or tv on dvd when i'm with him. whatever, but he's not with me now so i'm going to watch it for several hours wooo hoo!!! i've been eating really good. lots of salads, fruits, fish, and good protein. mario is on a "diet" as well so it helps me that he doesn't want to eat cookies or cake either i own size small and medium stuff now. i've been shopping. i need to stop. well ok i have stopped. 85 more lbs then i'm going SHOPPING!!!!!! woooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooo my sister hugged me today and said "hi skinny!" haha then my other friend who i haven't seen in a few months said you lost a lot of weight...so remember how i said i've been doing lots of shopping well i've been doing a lot of it and of course malls and shopping centers have nothing but mirrors everywhere right...so to my surprise i was very pleased to see the reflection staring back at me. i looked normal next to my friends especially gio. Gio is like so skinny. he's 5'10 and 150lbs...i hate standing next to my skinny friends because i just look like a monster next to them. embarrassing. but now i look ok next to them. just 85 more lbs and i'll be the small tall lean girl standing with them. i'm already tall and since i lost weight i think my body has stretched out more or something because i look really tall now. not all short and humpty dumpty. it's so good to feel this good about being 215lbs even though i'm technically still obese but i look good. i can't imagine how i'll look like at my goal weight....it's going to be amazing thats all i know k byeee grey's anatomy! p.s. it's kind of unbelievable that i lost 115lbs..that's like a regular sized woman or a 6'0 model hahaaa

hey hey happy new year! so last night and earlier this morning i went to a party with gio and his friends right. so anyway there is this like drunk girl talking to us and i guess she knows him and his friends or whatever and i was like oh she's pretty and skinny...then a conversation started up where she revealed that she used to weight 220lbs i looked at her and was like hmm interesting then she was like yeah i weigh "a buck thirty"now but i used to weigh 220...then i asked her how she lost the weight and she told me she started running...can you believe it running??? i didn't get into any more details with her because she was kinda rambling but then a wave of sheer determination mixed in with envy and discontempt made me feel really really weird. all of a sudden i couldn't speak and i started getting lost in thought. gio wasn't too aware of my awkwardness or silence because he was having wayy too much which i think kinda of made me even more distant than usual. i really wanted to be social but i had just had too much too think about. then for about 5 minutes or so i couldn't find gio and i left the party at 1230am..yeah i know i left so early but i couldn't stand around anymore. plus i was definitely a little bit annoyed with gio's behavior..i mean i know he's not innocent and he really is eccentric but still...eh its his life. i mean i would never in all my life ever do half the things he was doing..but i'm really different than most people my age. i don't drink, smoke or do drugs. i have really high morals. i respect myself first. so when i see people doing the things they were doing last night i'm really appalled because i can't believe someone could have absolutely no respect for themself to do whatever it is they were doing. i know its all supposed to be for fun and laughs but still...i don't think i'm uptight and i really don't think i'm not openminded i very much am but there are just certain things i will never approve of...you can call me miss goody two shoes but i'm sticking to my beliefs. so standing in a room full of strangers made me realize what was i doing there? not just there but here..everywhere! i mean what am i doing with my life??! i mean it felt like the hugest analogy possible. it slapped me across the face and i'm just so eyes wide open/awake now. so i'm going to start exercising again like really exercising sweating and can't breathe kind of thing. i'm going to start studying so in February i can past the test to get into grad school. i'm kind of done with this town especially the people. i want to start somewhere new i want to start my life. i am going to make my goal by summer maybe even faster if i stop cold turkey with the bad eating period. for all i care i wouldn't ever miss the taste of a cookie. so there. well gio was kind of upset with me for leaving without saying goodbye and he was like why are you acting like this and i was like i'm fine...yeah so i kinda lied to him...well its not a lie i mean i am fine i had fun and it was a good experience i mean it made me have this awesome epiphany about life, well about my life anyway. i'm kind of bothered by the fact that i like gio so much. not like like but like as a person...i'm sorta becoming dependent on him well i was...until last night...it made me realize omg i am so dependent on him that i don't know who i am anymore. i wait around for him to call me or text and its not even him its my other friends too. i've become dependent on all of them! YUCK! i have never ever been dependent on anyone other than myself and mom of course. but really now! i am hugely upset with myself for letting anybody have control/power over me. they don't control me or tell me what to do its just that i'm so obliging and willing its really disgusting...well you know what from now on i'm going to start using the word no. or i'm busy even if i'm not. they have to realize that i am not there lil go to missy and they can just snap their fingers and i'll be there in 15/20 minutes. no more! i feel bad for saying this but maybe i was wrong about gio...maybe when he's around me and we're alone he acts a different way than when he's with other people. but i like the gio that is around me only. hmm maybe i'm just being selfish... i have to take care of myself now. and that means losing this last 88lbs! and just moving up and on with my life. i'm done being stuck in this dependent dream world i've built around myself for the past 2 years. anyways maybe i should start jogging or something

so mario wants to "trim down" not lose weight but lose body fat. today i was whining about being 30% body fat..then mario said yeah i want to lose my body fat and i was like what body fat?! i got mad because i said if i was to eat like bad for an entire week i would gain some kind of weight back while they would maintain. so not fair. then mario said we would probably actually lose weight if we ate junk and i was like WHAT?! then he was like yeah it just goes right through our system..probably because they are nothing but muscle..how annoying. then i was like ugh its so hard for woman to lose and keep weight off because our bodies just love to cling to any and all fat! i guess its for the whole having babies thing... i've been eating pretty horrible. sweets galore..i'm disgusted with myself. but i have picked up a good habit. drinking green tea..they say it helps to aid in weight loss. i think i need another fill, i can eat wayyy too much. i need to ban sweets. i kinda banned chips. i can't remember the last time i opened a bag of chips and ate it. i need to think of cookies and anything covered in chocolate as DEATH! exactly how i feel about fast food and soda..it just screams heart attack and/or prime candidate for diabetes the rest of your life... i'm sorry but i really don't want to stab myself with a needle everyday. no sir i definitely don't need that. well, i had a good birthday and christmas. spent it with mom and the boys. got lots of presents that i try to wear all at once jeri comes to vegas for the new year and her bday. i'm excited to hang out with her. even though she pisses me off but i still love her. she's my sister forever and ever. eeeshh i'm so restless i only have 88 more lbs to lose before i'm at my goal weight my DREAM finally coming true! i want to wake up so bad! i keep getting compliments left and right. i'm so grateful for all the kind words and encouragement that its making me even more restless than usual! i just want it so bad! so according to my new calculations if i just keep going at it i could be at my goal weight by august! hurry up summer already! funny how i have never thought that way ever. i dreaded summer because i knew i would get the stares from people because i was that person wearing a black hoodie mid summer heat wave, because i was embarrassed of my body. well that is done and over with now FOREVER!

i can feel myself getting stronger and healthier as each day passes. i feel lighter, breezier..alive. tomorrow is my 23rd birthday. if i had my way i would have gone sky diving into sweet oblivion because that's exactly how i feel. jumping out of a plane and flying through the air is the only way i could describe this feeling. i have never felt so free. wow, i wonder how it's going to be after i lose this last 90lbs and get to my goal weight?...i'll probably feel like i am flying. i would never want to ever come back down...and i probably won't. just thinking about that thought alone has my mind racing with anticipation and my heart flooding with hope...the bright future. my bright future! this is going to be the greatest summer ever! i just made the boys promise to go skydiving with me. i want to go white water rafting as well! i just want to do everything that i couldn't have possibly ever dreamed of doing because of my "limitations". haha mario said we should go jump off some cliffs! yesssss!! that's exactly what i want to do! i'm so excited! this summer i know in June i will be in a healthy weight range. i will finally be normal. exactly what i've always wanted, exactly what i've always dreamed of... oh look what i found reading my old journal entries: August 6, 2008 http://www.healthcentral.com/cholesterol/h...t-2774-143.html Home Body Fat Test You have 33.8% body fat. You have 86.5 Pounds of fat and 169.5 Pounds of lean (muscle, bone, body water). and now... December 21, 2008 You have 30.2% body fat. You have 66.4 Pounds of fat and 153.6 Pounds of lean (muscle, bone, body water). yipeee i lost 20lbs of fat! i would have hoped it would have been all of it! but i guess you can't be all muscle, bone, and body water unless you're a body builder or professional athlete of some sort. i'm neither and i definitely don't ever want to be. but it would be kind of fun to be really, really good at a sport. like being able to out run everybody..ha i just had a silly day dream that i would race everybody and won because i was so fast..hmmm i wonder...maybe i'll think about making it a reality i was just wondering how much body fat are we supposed to have? i found this answer: We carry two kinds of fat in our bodies, essential fat which is stored in small amounts in bone marrow, organs, the central nervous system and muscles, and is needed for the normal, healthy functioning of all these body systems, and "storage" fat, which is stocked for energy. For men, essential body fat makes up about three percent of total body weight. For women, the percentage is higher - about 12 percent - because it includes amounts in the breasts, pelvis, hips and thighs believed necessary for normal female reproductive function. For a woman of 25, a healthy range of body fat would be between 21-32 percent. This can increase slightly with age, to 23-33 percent for women between 40 and 59 and to 24 - 35 percent for those over 60. The healthy ranges in men are from 8-19 percent for those between the ages of 18-39, from 11-21 percent for those aged 40 to 59 and 13-24 percent for those over 60. http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/id/QAA53794 ............................................................................. well all i know is a girl is not supposed to be carrying around an extra 90lbs (66lbs of fat) on her 5'6 frame. good thing i'm fixing that right

it's snowing in VEGAS!!! it's been snowing all day! i can't believe it, everything is white! i weighed myself and i'm the same weight. thank you! then i measured myself and i lost another inch from my waist and hips! wow! i am so shocked and this whole time i felt like i gained at least 5lbs back and 24375027406 inches back! i'm just so scared of gaining any of that weight back...i don't ever want to go back...i used to have nightmares where i would binge eat and i couldn't stop..i would wake up thinking i really did binge eat and ruined everything. then i realized it was just a nightmare but it terrified me... i've been thinking of moving to alaska or rhode island. i realized i'm such a sucker. everytime someone comes crawling back to me i always accept them back...i forgive them no matter what they've done. i wish i was stronger. i have this idealistic theory in my head that everyone is good. so i trust and love, hoping in return they will trust and love as well.. what do you do when someone comes back into your life and they're not supposed to ever come back? because not only do they bring themselves but others, others you made yourself forget...

i've been eating cookies, chips, chocolate, basically any type of sweets for the past several days. i can't eat real food. everytime i try to eat a regular meal the food will get stuck. i'm kind of annoyed with myself. i feel like i've gained a bajillion pounds once again and i probably won't make my goal for my birthday/new year. the boys want to take me to disneyland for my birthday but nothing has been discussed or finalized as of yet maybe we'll talk tonight about it. giovanni has been too "busy" to hang out with me..i asked him yesterday why he was ignoring me and he said he was just busy...yeah ok having wayyy too much fun with his real friends i suppose because i'm not a "real friend" to him or whatever...whatever i am so sick of him seriously. he knows how i feel about him and that i care about him yet he treats me like i'm second rate or rather invisible...gosh i so want to just delete him from my life so i can just forget about him and he wouldn't have to pretend to like me or care about me since he's doing a good job at making me feel insignificant already. so even with that going on i'm not that terribly upset. i guess because i have mario and i love him. i realize i take him for granted..this is really mean to say but i get bored/tired of people. i wish i could meet new people and have different friends, but i know that's stupid. because everytime i feel like that and something happens where that person leaves me all i ever do is think about them. so i'm never ever going to take mario for granted ever again. we broke up before and though we were separated from each other i never stopped thinking about him. then i found out that he never stopped thinking about me too. his friends well "our" childhood friends told me one night that mario always told them he missed me. isn't that sweet?? i didn't think he cared once that we weren't friends anymore i mean he was the one that ended it. but anyway he means the world to me, i should probably tell him that tonight but he'll probably just think i'm being a weird silly little girl again. oh well i'll tell him anyways