babymk

so i went out looking for that white pullover in a L at several old navy stores and nothing! i was super annoyed but then i got something better!!!!! :D http://www.aeropostale.com/product/index.j...rentPage=family in a size L! not an XL but an L! it's jr sizes like a slim fit so sizes run smaller..HOW EXCITING!!!!!!!!!! i'm so happy! i didn't realize i had lost so much inches. i know last year around this time i would have never ever ever fit into a jacket that small. i probably couldn't even get it up past my arms...anyways yippeeeeee oh yeah my car is in the shop for the next 3 weeks or so. ehhh so i'm basically stranded at home with no car and i feel like i'm 15 again or something. its pretty awful not having a car and it's only been a few hours...but i guess that means i just have to walk everywhere which is fine because everything is super close its just cold but now i have my new jacket that will keep me warm yay!

i went to old navy yesterday and got this they only had XL available and it's too big. i hate it but i love the style and color and the cute little fur hoodie thing. i should have gone to another old navy and see if they have it in large but old navy kind of runs a size bigger so i should get a medium. i love everything fitted now because if i wear baggy stuff i look weird and i feel weird. like my old hoodies that used to be snug on me are all loose on me now. i hate looking in the mirror because its so sloppy looking. plus i really want a fitted white hoodie with fur thingy..ooo but you know what would be really cute. a black fitted jacket with white fur trimming! that is soo cute, now i must find it!

yessss 2lbs! i'm ECSTATIC! this is super wonderful! so 25 more lbs to lose by birthday/new year's goal! i think i can do this. yes i will do this! also about gio it's all good. he can do whatever it doesn't bother me or affect my life one bit. i know where i'm going and what i'm doing so yeah. yeah so what he knows about my weight loss goals and how much i weigh..i mean that just makes me a better person for trying to eat right and get in shape instead of being obese and dying of heart attack at the age of 30 or something. and so what if he knows of my weird obsessive crush on him he's gay anyways so he doesn't care really plus its all really stupid. and so what if he knows i spend all my money and never save anything because i'm impulsive and spoiled. OH WELL. but i'm trying to change all of that, that's why i wrote about it in the first place. my diary is more like a to do list. i think everybody writes stuff down as a way to release and figure out how they can fix it if it's not going the way you want it to. oh yeah i forgot to mention i got into a car accident the other day or so and my car is going into the shop for several weeks totaling 3500 dollars worth of damage...the accident was definitely not my fault, some random blue car tried to get in my lane when obviously i was still in the lane! so i had to brake and swerve so he wouldn't hit me and there goes the side of my car. anyway i'm really happy because i'm getting every little dent and scratch fixed so my car is going to look brand new! its barely 3 years old but other drivers have not been kind to me on the road..ok so maybe i didn't always have the best judgment but whatever. i need to eat more vegetables. i was thinking about surgery you know like tummy tucks and such..well i honestly don't think i'm going to need it. i really don't think my skin is going to be so loose and saggy off my frame that i'm going to have to surgically remove it. but maybe i will because i've been big most of my life. but i do exercise so that should help. plus i'm 22 so really now.. but i'm exactly the weight i am now when i was 16. ha weird..i can sorta remember how my body was at this weight and that age and i could have swore some skin was tighter than others hmmm.. nevermind i just looked at some pictures, i look the same except i was tan and i went to the gym everyday. but now i don't work out in the gym everyday and i'm definitely not tan. so i'm just going to start working out again. i kinda stopped working out like in the summer, don't know why really guess i didn't need the extra endorphins because i was already happy. yeah i only work out like serious cardio when i'm severely upset about something. but it shouldn't be that way. i should work out because its the best thing you can do for yourself.

anyways you know how when you eat like really bad and then you feel as if you gained all the weight back?? then you even look at yourself in the mirror and think i got fatter!?!! well i seriously think thats just all in your head. no my cheeks did not get fatter because i ate some chips and no my belly did not extend back out either and yes i am the same measurements. but you always feel like more swollen and just plain disgusting when in reality you are exactly the same. your mind can really mess up your perception of reality. i pretty much hate it. bad thoughts are just plain bad. negativity never got anybody anywhere and i'm sick of it. earlier today i got super annoyed and jealous because gio is going to be with that girlbestfriend of his and omg that drives me insane. but then i thought about it and i started laughing like why should i even care?? she was there before me and i can't change their relationship or be anymore important to him then what i already am which is very important to him so i'm just like blah. i don't think that even made sense and i'm probably just trying to talk my way out of this rationally so i won't explode with rage and do something rash like never speak to him again because i feel ignored and insignificant. i tend to do that to people. the only reason why mario and jeri are my bff because they come back to me. they never let me go, they never gave up on me no matter how much i tried to push them away and out of my life they just stuck by me. aww that just made me realize how much i do love them. jeri comes to vegas on the 29th i can't wait so we can just be really crazy together creating weirdness everywhere we go. and like gio will care. i honestly think he's just hanging out with me because he's bored and his "real friends" are too busy and there's stupid me who's always makes myself available and bending over backward for that fool. i think i'm being used and i don't know how to get myself out. i really think i should kick him out of my life. i'm pretty sure he wouldn't care. he would just go to that girlbff of his so what does it matter anyway...you know what next time he calls me to hang out i'm just going to tell him i'm not busy but i don't want to hang out with him because he's not my friend and he go to .....AWAY. ugh i hate feeling this way. like so insecure and not sure. ugh could i please lose this last 97lbs like now PLEASE!!! i need a vacation. i wish i was skinny already so i can go play on tropical islands and not care about anybody but myself! working on my tan no cares in the world and definitely not needing anyones attention but my own. oh yeah and plus my mom because i love my mom! me and mom forever sitting on a tropical island with the cool breeze and warm sand in between our toes...hmmmm so what if it's running away???! everytime i see that biggest loser show they are basically like on a retreat on this huge ranch. its sorta like running away because they have to get away from the real world to re-connect with themselves. so maybe this is what i need. too bad reality is hitting me hard and i can't escape from it. i have to face it and i really don't want to. ugh i do need a vacation. hmm maybe if i ask mom as a birthday/christmas gift??? but we don't need to do it now we can do it in a few months as long as i know we are going somewhere that will make me happy. i just need to get out of this town.

i am completely and utterly MORTIFIED! Giovanni read my DIARY and almost every page since august has been about him!!!!!!!!!!! he then continued to read the most embarrassing things i would say about him like how i have the biggest crush on him and how he's so cute and how much i love love love him ( #-o oh i can't believe this. he just thought it was sooooo amusing then he just hugged me and told me he loved me even more than before now that he knew how i really felt. ugh i just wish he didn't have to find out that way you know the most humiliating way ever! but i told him i didn't have feelings like that for him anymore since i know he's gay. yes he's gay. and yes i fell in love with a gay boy which is the stupidest thing any straight girl can do because its obviously a losing fight. omg i just admitted to falling in love with him...ugh....it doesn't help that we hang out like almost every other day and he knows everything about me down to every possible insecurity i have! and the worst thing is i'm not mad at him. i don't hate him at all i just love him even more now! UGH i don't understand it...he invades my privacy, barrages me with personal questions, embarrassing me every possible way in private and public yet i'm sooo in awe of him. i have never met anyone like him before. but a part of me feels like he just doesn't feel as strongly as i do for him. its not the "in love" part anymore because i know he's never going to be my boyfriend because well he wants a boyfriend not a girlfriend hahaaa but i mean just like the connection we have. i want him to be like one of my bestfriendsforever like mario and jeri. well he did make me sign this weird contract that says "I Mal agree to be loyal to Giovanni and be a good friend...now and forever..." hahaaaaaaaaaaaa do you see what i mean now?! he's so different and crazy and just off the wall it's positively amazing! oh and he wrote that after he read my diary. ugh my diary....i can't even bear to read some of the things i wrote in there about him because i just want to die of embarrassment everytime i think of it. of what he could have possibly thought as he was reading my most personal thoughts that i thought nobody would ever know...i still haven't told mario or jeri what happened last night. i'm just so BLAH about the whole thing. i don't know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing. he hasn't called or texted me all day and i'm just like oh great now he's going to ignore me after he finally has proof that i'm just a crazy obsessive weirdo in love with him. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh if he read this blog entry he would tell me to stop contradicting myself because he does care about me and then hug me telling me its ok as he probably laughs silently to himself ugh maybe i shouldn't keep a diary/journal anymore. maybe i should not answer his calls or texts anymore so that will show him i don't need him and that whole in love thing was just a stupid infatuation and its over and i don't know what i was talking about before... oh who am i kidding.... I'm completely exposed to the one person i wanted to NEVER be exposed to... i guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens with this crazy mess... on another note i weighed myself this morning and i didn't gain back 256256256 bajillion pounds so i guess i should be happy about that. but today all i ate were cupcakes and chips and of course more left over thxgivins food ....i'm stopping tomorrow for good. needless to say i did not make my goal for the month and i'm exactly where i started off a month ago which is a bit frustrating but that just means i'm going to have to work ten times harder now. well here's goodbye to november hello december! my birthday is in 23 days! hey look 23 days till i'm 23! hahaaaa edit: gio just texted me right now mario and jake want to hang out but i'm too lazy to drive. i just want to go to sleep and it's not even ten yet. i feel like such a baby. nevermind i am baby.

with myself. i have been eating non-stop for the past week! any and every food possible! i hate this. i feel like i've gained 4896738576 bajillion pounds alone this week! i am so ashamed. there are so many left overs and feel like such a waste to buy salad when there's like left over thanksgiving food to last an entire month! but i know i can't continue to eat like this the entire month but it sure is saving me lots of money. but no i must STOP! anyway gotta go gio is coming over and we're going to create more chaos together :D :D love that boy even though mario highly disapproves which makes me wonder what mario's problem is???... ehhh i hope everything works itself out. it's kind of hard to have friends that hate each other, but love you. i mean that just leaves me stuck in the middle..i'm actually quite torn from the whole thing but i just don't what to do anymore. its not like mario is asking me to not be his friend, but it kind of is when he doesn't want to hang out with me just because gio will be there. you see what i mean?..because i want gio there and want mario there but the two just don't get along and its either hang with mario or hang with gio so its like AHHHH okay i'm rambling now. oh speaking of friends and bff that darn jeri pissed me off again. i don't really want to get into what she did but it was just super annoying so i'm not talking to her as of right now. hahaaa gotta go

so i've realized that people are leaving me comments because i get a notification in my email about it. but when i come on to view the comment i never see anything..so i would like to apologize to people that have left me comments and think i'm ignoring or deleting them or something because i'm not. i really can't see them. i don't know if it's because of my settings or what. so i don't know what to do about that but you can always message me on another note somebody told me we can't digest corn and that we're basically not supposed to eat it. so now i'm never eating corn again. but i should have figured that, i mean if corn can fuel a car to drive cross country then really right??! yesss 1lb lost :D jake made dinner last night yummy peanut butter sauce salmon with veggies and linguine. then we ate kernel popcorn DELICIOUS. i know its corn but it's not in its original kernel form so that should make a difference, i think... OMGosh i want to see twilight soooooo bad but i gave my word to gio that i would wait for him to get back from hawaii so we can see it together and he gets back today but i don't know what time and he hasn't texted or called me so idk what's going on. but i'm telling the other boys we have to go see it tonight but then mario is like i might have to do something for my internship and i'm like ahhh we have to all go together because it won't be fun otherwise. i'm going crazy insane thinking about seeing this movie!!! i have never felt this way about a movie ever! i'm soooo RESTLESS ahhhhhhhhhh! i'm gonna go dance!!!

so my co-worker asked me if i was losing weight and i said yes i am, then he goes how much and i say 102...you should have seen his face when i said that. he had a look of shock and awe. it was soo funny. like he just got punched in the face or something hahahaa. then he goes wow so how much more do you have to lose and i said ehh 100 and he was like what really and i was like yeah. then he goes well keep it up you're looking really good so ever since me and gio had our talk i've just kind of been really more open and honest with myself. like a lot more comfortable being in my own skin. for the longest time i was in denial. of how much i weighed and my overall health..so this is kind of weird but i am so terrified of eating anything thats remotely not healthy. i know if i eat something not good for me i will gain weight and i just don't want to go back. also i am at a weight where i was in my mid teens when i was dieting and such. i'm approximately 23lbs away from where i was ever at my lowest during my teen years and where i actually remember trying to maintain my weight. i am even more terrified that i won't be able to surpass that number. that maybe that will be my minimum limit that i can go...i can't ever remember being any smaller than that not even as an 12 year old... i've just always been big and to not know any different makes me feel so defeated. i mean what if thats it?? what if thats the smallest i will ever be and i will never get to be a normal healthy weight person??? but i know i'm not supposed to be carrying around an extra 98lbs around my body so that fact alone makes me push on. but i can't help but think that negative thought. hmm but i just thought of something..when i was a teenager i was dieting. i wasn't forever changing my eating habits. i mean i didn't even know what eating habits were! but now i'm finally learning so it's going to be different this time. it's going to happen SUMMER 2009 HERE I COME!!!! wooooooooooooo :lol: :lol:

so guess who decides to call me asking to see me???! GIOVANNI mmhmmmm that's what i thought! so you know how i was really upset/annoyed/angry at his decision to blow me off when i wanted to hangout that thursday and i made him well aware of it. i was like oh you decide you want to hang out with me now after you're done with your more important friends huh?!!! RUDE! then he was like well fine if you don't want to hang out then i can just not see you till i come back in 9 days and i was like urghhh. so basically he won that fight. so we hung out last night and everytime we're together we get into the worst trouble. but that's why i like him so much, he's never boring. i mean NEVER EVER EVER EVER boring ok the thing with me is that i never talk about my weight to people who could never understand how it feels to have a weight problem their whole entire lives. i just feel it's none of their business because they wouldn't know the first place to empathize so i just rather not discuss something super personal because it's been my life struggle. but somehow gio got me to tell him everything. my insecurities, my hopes for the future, the "turmoil" that's going on inside my head and heart...i don't ever talk about these things. the only people i talk openly like that are with jeri and mario. and my relationships with them are based on years and years of building up trust and love. i've known mario for 13/14 years and i've known jeri for 8/9 years. i've known gio since august! but he's gotten so close to me and i feel like "who are you???" "why are you here" and "what do you want from me??!" i asked him last night why he was doing this to me and why he wanted to know these crazy feelings i had and he said that he's only like this to people he cared about...i was speechless...i was so embarrassed yet highly intrigued by his honesty and lack of personal boundaries. you know when someone doesn't want to talk about something you usually back off right? well not gio. but i guess it's because i do want to talk about these things but its so hard for the words to come out of my mouth. he kept getting impatient with me because i would take forever to answer a question. he may think its simple but "simple" to me is the most difficult. but you know what i'm really glad he did. i'm really happy that he decided to spend his last hours in vegas with me before he had to get on a plane to hawaii. i guess he does care or he just likes to mess with people's heads. either way it's amusing

i posted an old pic of me 2 months before i got the surgery done which was basically at my highest weight ever. it's severely embarrassing and i can't stand to look at it too long because i didn't realize i was so big. ugh. the other day mario was looking at an old pic of us together (which reminds me i should post that as well) and he said you don't even look the same. he said he had to do a double take because he didn't believe that was me before and that was only last year. mario never really comments about my weight. he knew i was losing weight but he never realized how much i had actually lost up until now. i guess thats a good thing... it kind of hit me today that ugh i still have 100lbs to lose...at first i was like yayaa only 100 more lbs to lose and then it was like uhhh WHAT 100 MORELBS to lose still!!!!!!!!!!! i mean what?!!! AHHHHHHHH!! so yes i am completely frustrated and annoyed. On top of that giovanni is going to hawaii tomorrow and he can't hang out with me before he leaves because he's "booked". WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!!!! obviously he hates me :lb12: he was like we'll hang out when i get back and i was like ok but i was so upset the rest of the day because of it. i'm still upset. i mean he's probably hanging with that girl bestfriend of his which is driving me crazy insane with jealousy and hate! i hate her i hate her i hate her!!!! i'm just never going to talk to him again! that's it! he's off my friends list and permanently on acquaintance list! no permanently on I HATE YOU list!!! how dare he put me on some second rate list. urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i am so mad :angry: :angry: i bend over backwards for that boy! mario and jake only put up with him because i like him so much but i know they could care less for him. i am insulted! i mean yeah sure we hung out every other day last week but this is a new week and he basically disappeared on me! this has been the longest week ever. i'm glad it's friday but that doesn't mean anything because he's going to be gone for 9 days sitting on a beach tanning while i'm stuck in cold vegas seething away at him for blowing me off. i haven't seen mario in 4 days which is ridiculous because the longest we go without seeing each other is 2 days top. i miss jeri sooo much i want to go to san francisco so bad just to hang out with her because i haven't seen her for like 4 months and its really getting to me. and my sister disappeared on me too. plus i have to study for this stupid test and i can't seem to get anything right. today i was craving hot cheetos with chili cheese you know the stuff you get at gas stations...and i was thisclose to actually buying it! but i didn't so i guess that's an accomplishment. i guess i must be an emotional eater or something. but i've been working hard to re-program myself and it's working. instead of eating my frustration away, i just sorta "work it out"...sometimes i'll just start dancing or walking really fast or i'll just write like i'm doing now. i am really upset with giovanni but i don't think writing him off is going to solve anything. i mean he's really fun and cool. i really really like him, but i'm just so mad. well maybe i'll calm down in 9 days but then he said he's going to san diego for thanksgiving weekend with his friends after he gets back from hawaii. HOW ANNOYING! omg i just got really angry right now after writing that... :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: WHATEVER i am so OVER this. DONE.

happppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hit my 100lb marker actually surpassed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYY and now 100 more to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well 103, i decided on my "ideal" weight that i am aiming for and i will get to by next year for sure! eeeeeeeeeeeeee i can't wait for summer 2009!!! next year is going to be the best EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! you know at first i felt like this was impossible that i was never going to get anywhere. but after losing the first 100 the next 100 feels like well "a piece of cake". i honestly feel like i can do this and not only do it but do it fairly very easily. i no longer see this as a diet but as a way of life. this is forever, this isn't just some fad yo yo diet that we've all been accustomed to. i feel like i'm slowly conquering the evils that have been holding me back, holding me back from being me. omgosh i am so happy words can't explain! i'm going to explode with joy! i'm already a very happy happy go lucky person and now i'm amped up to 101%%%!!! heheeee yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

i lost 1lb... ANNOYING. i was hoping to be in a certain weight range by now. this is driving me insane! i think i'm going to go run outside for a while to fight off my restlessness. i don't care if everyone stares at me either. for some weird reason i've been craving soup, like only soup, nothing else. who craves soup? normal cravings would include junk food or whatever but i'm sitting here craving soup..i think i might go get some

i'm stuck at the same weight!!! ugh!!!!!!!! AHhhhhhhhhhhh!!! i'm not going to get to my goal by my birthday if i plateau like this again!! i'm not even worried about thanksgiving because i've realized its not about eating its about being with loved ones and being thankful, not stuffing your face...anyway i'm uploading a pic from halloween and a new solo body shot from the side. people keep asking me how i'm losing weight and i'm like eat less, eat healthy and start moving. ha.

Giovanni made me eat raisinets and milk duds last night. No matter, I still lost 2lbs after being stuck at a certain weight for 2 weeks now! Now I'm 2lbs away from hitting my 100lb lost marker! Oh yeah Giovanni is the name of the boy I talked about in the last entry about being the best of friends hmm I adore him This Daylight Saving thing is messing up my schedule. It's not even noon yet but I'm wide awake and ready to take on the world!

i haven't been exercising. i've been eating bad. i haven't been drinking all my water. its just that i don't get to eat/drink throughout the day and then i go to friends parties at night and eat junk food! chips, dip, chex mix, cookies, cake!!! ahhhhhhh i got sick two nights in a row because all i ate that day was popcorn and chips. i was hurting bad the next day. my schedule has been all messed up because my boss asked me to fill in for somebody else in a different department that only works in the morning and i don't do morning shift at all! i had to re-adjust my entire life for a week and i'm all sorts of messed up right now. but at least today is the official start of my four day weekend! so i get to relax and hang out with my friends. halloween night is going to be great! i'm going to take lots of pictures! mario's mom saw me last week and she said i looked real good i haven't lost any weight well i mean how could i eating chips and cake for an entire week...anyway i'm going to take the next few days to get out this hole i buried myself into ..again. oh yes for my 23rd birthday coming up in 7 weeks i'm going to six flags! yesssss i'm not worried about not fitting into the rides because i know in 7 weeks i will be exactly where i want to be size wise and everything is going to be perfect! soo happy! oh but i'm not happy with the fact that i have to go to traffic school and pay a 470 dollar ticket for going 75 in a 65 zone! lame. whatever. BUT BUT i am happy because remember that boy i talked about that i said i had a crush on and i was jealous of his girlbestfriend well me and him are like super close friends now we're going to be the best of friends i'm so happy i met him and that he's in my life. and yes i will be taking a picture of him he's the cutest boy ever i picked out his costume, its the best! i was an angel but on halloween night i'm going to be a purple fairy i have the biggest wings ever!

yesterday i had el pollo loco chicken tostado salad. worst mistake ever! it was disgusting. it wasn't even a salad. first it had iceberg lettuce which has no fiber in it whatsoever. then they put sourcream, some kind of dressing, rice, beans, two types of cheese and chicken. the only good thing about it was the chicken everything else was disgusting and loaded with grossness. oh yeah i forgot to mention all of this is put into a big crunchy deep fried taco shell dome thingy that i did not eat because i could smell the oil saturated within it..GROSS. i ate the chicken, the iceberg and beans. i told them not to put the sourcream or dressing on it, then i threw everything else away. i was angry because i paid 4 bucks for that when i could have gone to tropical smoothie and got a REAL salad for 3 dollars more! you know with real lettuce real vegetables! i was so disappointed because i really wanted a salad not FAT. the only reason why i went was because one of my coworkers heard me say something about el pollo loco and she was like are you going can you get me some chicken then i was like i don't know i'm just talking out loud about it..then she was like are you going to go like incessantly asking me so finally i was like yeah sure ok...so i went to get her chicken and i was thinking i should just get chicken too then i was like oh a salad i really want a salad so why not right...ugh. but they do have good chicken because they don't deep fry it only grill so i would go back only for the chicken..or maybe not. i haven't eaten fast food in like 2 almost 3 months now so to eat something from a fast food place again really made me realize why i stopped eating fast food in the first place. so that pretty much made up my mind forever. no more fast food not even a "salad". its all gross. i hate it. this is horrible and really embarrassing but i don't cook. its not that i don't know how its just that i don't have time or patience. i even hate making oatmeal! we don't have a microwave because my mom read that making food with radiation was not very healthy. which makes total sense so even to heat up something i would have to "cook" it so i just say forget it and then i don't eat anything. i usually grab something fast i guess thats why i like fruits and raw veggies. maybe thats why i've been continuously losing weight too ha. if i eat meat/fish someone already made it for me. i haven't had eggs in like months because i don't even want to fry an egg i'm that anti-cooking! i don't eat pasta anymore because i don't want to boil water or heat up the sauce. i rarely eat bread because i don't want to toast it. hmmm maybe i'm just lazy....oh well...hahahaa :lol: anyway i lost two more lbs and another inch from my waist, hips, and thighs 6more lbs before my 100lb happy dance :D

Today is my one year anniversary since having the surgery and lapband. To date I have lost 92lbs Trust me I haven't stopped doing the happy dance since yesterday

I just want to DANCE i'm so happy! 2lbs down! i love changing my ticker thing and seeing the numbers get lower and lower. it's probably the most satisfying thing ever! i'm out of that weight "decade" wooooooooooooooooooo! 91lbs since last year!! when i lose that 9 and get to my 100lbs loss i'm doing a HAPPY DANCE! wait, too late! i'm already doing a HAPPY DANCE!!! DANCE DANCE!!!!!!!!! :lol:

it's october! and that means haunted houses and carnivals!!! and HALLOWEEN! i'm so EXCITED! we're going to have so much fun this year!! but they do limit the number of people that can go through haunted houses together...eeshh and i'm a baby because i get scared easily. i can't stop shopping! all i've been doing is buying new clothes! i love it! but i know i still have lots of weight to lose so i shouldn't go spending money on clothes i know i won't be wearing in a few months from now..hehee anyway i'm only off 1lb from where i wanted to be at the beginning of this month. so i'm pleased with that. i decided to ban any and all food considered a "snack" or "junk". you know like chips, baked goods (cookies, brownies, muffins etc.), pizza, pizza bagel bites!...you know that stuff if it has no nutritional value i'm not going to eat it. you know what i really hate...when i'm eating something and it goes down really easy so i start eating more of it. i have to mentally stop myself from eating the entire thing. i noticed chips are really easy for me to eat that's why i can sit there and eat a whole bag before i realize omg i've eaten the whole bag! it's not like bad chips or anything. it's like tortilla chips for salsa, but i know those aren't the most nutritional thing available. i'm trying to get super healthy like taking vitamins, supplements, and protein. working out, drinking lots of water, not eating fast food/JUNK. jake makes the best cream cheese dip ever with fresh herbs and veggies that i go gah-gah for but i think that is the exact reason my weight loss is hindering. i keep eating stuff i know does not benefit my weight loss. i eat mexican "fast food" like chipotle or this one place we love going but i know they make everything with LARD. then we go to in&out or eat frozen yogurt every weekend. I think during the week we're all really good with eating healthy food but when we get together on the weekends we kind of just let loose. i guess it's ok to do that but for me eating anything "bad" will have the weight back on in no time. when i was 15 i had gotten down to a really low weight while exercising and dieting. then summer came around and i started hanging out with all my friends. they were all skinny so they would eat everything and anything. we would stop in food courts and eat pizza, soda, maybe fries and icecream all the time. we went to theme parks, fairs, carnivals, and eat all that junk food they offered...funnel cakes, cotton candy, caramel apples, fried ANYTHING. of course they never gained any weight, but within 3 months i gained back like 25lbs by then end of the summer then it went downhill from there. but good news i'm 35lbs away from being exactly where i was at 15 during my lowest weight ever. i look better now because i'm taller so the weight is evenly distributed.. well as "evenly" as it could get ha. i realized that "old habits die hard"..but i don't want it to end up killing me plus i hate losing so i'm going to get real serious. get rid of my demons so to speak. according to my calculations if i started off right from day one i would have lost an extra 40lbs by now. so i'm behind 40lbs which really irritates me but whatever i can't dwell on the past. i can only change the now. so here i go!

i'm the same weight...for the past two weeks i've stayed the same weight...WHAT!?!!! ok ok i did go on this crazy pizza and chips "binge" ....i mean we were stuck in a hotel room all day filming and all they had was pizza and chips so that's what i ate....but i swear the next day i was paying big time for it..i was sick for most of that night and the next day. i couldn't believe having 2 1/2 slices of pizza and some chips could do that to a person...but i guess i haven't eaten junk like that for so long that my body wasn't used to it. so that's a good sign right?! i'm never eating chips or pizza ever again! i'm serious. it's kind of really fun to ban certain foods. i feel like i'm finally back in control instead of letting food control me. so me and a bunch of my friends went hiking up to these caves in the mountains on saturday. i was pretty much the only girl surrounded by active fit boys so guess who was at the bottom of the hill??? yep ..ME..EMBARRASSING....well at least mario stayed behind with me while the other guys forged ahead. by the time we got to the opening of the cave i could feel my heart in my throat! i mean even though me and mario were behind we still kept up with them. it was like a line so yes i am proud of myself for keeping up with those boys! then they decided to explore the cave by going deeper into it. some of the boys stayed behind while several of them actually went on. i wanted to go to but i uh couldn't keep up... oh i did forget to mention it was pitch black because it was around 11 at night. hahaaa they wanted to go late for the scary effect. i mean i'm a very adventurous girl so i was seriously bummed that i couldn't go on with them. we didn't bring flash lights so everybody was using their cell phones as light and guess who doesn't bring their cell phone...yeah me again...i mean why would i need it? all my friends were there already. anyway after that day it gave me more motivation to keep going on my losing weight journey. next time i'm going to be the leader of that pack! those boys think they are sooo fast and tough...pshh.... mario is seriously the most caring person ever. he tries to pretend like he doesn't care but he does. i truly believe actions speak louder than words. i tend to watch people and see what they do/ how they act rather then listening to what they say. mario showed me how much he does truly care about his friends and me. i knew i loved him for a reason. oh good news! i lost one inch from my waist and hips! yayaya!!! so i guess my body is trying to catch up with my weight...i wish it would hurry up!! so i still have clothes from when i was in high school. and i got to a really low weight in hs..but as i got older of course i got bigger and bigger but now i can fit back into my hs clothes! a lady told me the other day that she really liked my skirt and i said ha i've had this since i was 14. the most exciting part is that it's looser now than it was then!!! eep!!! yayayaa!!! p.s. it's never a good idea to reminisce about the past and especially certain people that are no longer in your life because they are not in your life for a reason. don't ever forget that. then why is it they keep popping into my head...eh i'm probably just feeling a little bit too nostalgic. EDIT: i lost another lb this afternoon. OMG my BMI is out of the 40's! pretty soon my BMI will be out of the OBESE range and i can honestly say i'm just "overweight"...hehee ok gotta go bye!