babymk

i know this is dumb and i'm probably feeling sorry for myself but sometimes i see skinny pretty girls and i'm just like why couldn't i just have been like that??...why did i have to be the "fat girl"???..i look at them and just think to myself their life is probably so perfect because they're skinny and pretty and have lots of friends and don't have to worry about looking "fat" in an outfit. they can go shopping without thinking "is it going to fit" or whatever...maybe i'm just jealous because this guy i have a crush on has a girl bestfriend and she's skinny and pretty and i'm just like i look nothing like her he would never like me... i start comparing myself to other girls and i always feel like i'm not good enough. i always get passed by because i'm the fat girl. its kind of taken an a toll of my self esteem when it comes to love. i'm confident everywhere else in life except that and that's like one of the most important things... i know i've lost so much weight since getting the band but i feel like it's not enough..i just want to be at my goal weight already. i'm starting to lose hope/faith...i don't know what it is and i don't know why i'm feeling this way..i know i've been doing so well and i'm so happy that i've come so far...maybe i feel like I'm not doing enough...yeah i feel guilty because if i just started doing everything right from the beginning i would have lost much more weight than where i am now. but i can't think of it that way. i hate when i start seeing the "glass half empty". ok back to being more optimistic...according to my calculations if i keep going the way i'm going i will hit one of my mini goal weights by my birthday at the end of the year. so i'm really looking forward to that! i know i can do it! also if i continue on i'm pretty sure i will reach my goal weight by summer of next year i just have to stay dedicated and move forward, keeping my head high! oh yeah and stop comparing myself to other people..and maybe not have crushes on guys who don't like me....

i've been working out for the past few days. i'm focusing on my hip/thigh area. walking up and down stairs, leg/hip moves, squats, sprinting...i'm hurting bad haha but it's totally cool. i'm happy to be getting back on a fitness routine. the last time i got a fill the doctor asked me if i was doing anything to lose the weight faster and i was like i exercise sometimes. he was like thats good because that will help you speed along the process so yeah i'm definitely exercising for sure now. the other day i was so busy i didn't have time to drink water so i was dehydrated all day long. i was miserable when i was supposed to be having a good time with my friends. so i'm always going to drink my water now! i have to go now bye! p.s. i dropped 3 more lbs since last week

AHHHHHHHHHHH OMGZ OMGZzzzz I lost 2 more lbs this morning so i'm officially out of that weight category that i have never been out ever when i was dieting around 17 years old!!!! i'm sooooooooooo happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D i told my mom that i want to be the ideal weight for my height which is 130lbs. i asked her if she thinks that's unrealistic?? she said no so i'm going for it! yippeeeeeee

so i'm kinda annoyed right now because in two weeks i only lost 1lb....1lb!!! AGHhh!! well i guess thats what i get because i've been eating string cheese and frozen yogurt, not getting in any vitamins or protein..and definitely not getting all my water in.. mehhh... i decided to go through all my clothes and throw away/donate anything larger than a size large. its best to live in the present and not in the past. i'm never going back so might as well start now. omgosh i'm so happy because i haven't eaten fast food in a whole month! i think i have more money because of it! actually i rarely spend money on food now only groceries. FAST FOOD FREE (FFF)!!!!! yippeeeee!!! so i know how much i weigh but lately i still feel huge. my clothes fit so much better and i'm wearing clothes i used to wear in hs when i was at my lowest but for some weird reason i feel like my fat is hanging out and i look really fat but i know i'm not. the other night i ate some chocolate and that night i had a nightmare i gained 20lbs back! it was the WORST! so i haven't really worked out..i'm just a lot more active. i walk as often as possible. if i'm at work, i'll walk on my breaks and lunches. if i'm at home i'll walk around my place or go for a walk outside. right now i feel like running up and down the stairs!! i've been feeling like that lately. like i just want to get up and do something...i guess i'm sort of restless right now. i want the weight gone and i want it gone now! i was hoping to lose 50lbs by december..i know that's a lot of weight but i really want to do it! i kind of made a mini goal/promise to myself that i was going to be at a certain weight by my 23rd birthday...i wouldn't want any presents or anything else.. or even anything for christmas just as long as i kept that promise to myself. that would be the best gift in the world!

i don't know if this is a compliment or just really creepy...but this lady had told my friend that if she had my face she would do anything to lose the weight... i guess i should take it as a compliment...anyway i'm kind of annoyed because this other lady was saying that every time she sees me i'm always eating...uh first of all that's not true! she only sees me eat because when i first get into work i don't have time to eat breakfast so i'll sit there and eat breakfast. so hello!! ugh whatever somebody is always going to have something to say..always negative never positive with some people. i don't let it get me down because i'm doing something to change myself for the better so in due time they will all see!!! I'm really happy because i can wear anything i want without covering up. i'm not embarrassed anymore and that just feels amazing! who knew losing 70lbs can make you feel like a completely different person. Another 70lbs and i'm going to be an entirely different person. i've always had confidence and self esteem, but there was always something missing. it was like in the back of my mind i knew something was still wrong with me. well the sun is setting and i want to go watch it so bye! oh yeah mario and jake came back and i picked them up from the airport a few days ago..here's a pic of them with beauty queens that they took on the cruise boat yeah...i didn't even ask..it's just one of those things you just don't say anything..hahahaa mario bought me earrings they are sooo cute! look!

teehee it's been two weeks today since i started back on my healthy lifestyle and i finally weighed myself..I LOST 5 more lbs!!!! eeekkkkkkk I AM SO HAPPY !!! there has been lots and lots of drama in my life but i'm just so over it! i'm getting rid of anything and ANYBODY negative in my life. I'm not looking back either. I'm not going to be the "bigger" person and say "let's try to make this work", "let's talk"..or anything! People have used and abused me. Only now am I finally standing up for myself! If that makes me seem "childish" or "selfish" i really don't care anymore. All I have been is "mature" and "selfless" when it concerns other people. I always try to be the peacemaker, to make everything conflict/tension free. But I've just realized some people will never change and that's fine with me. They can go on their life without me in it, thank you very much. yesterday at work these older ladies were talking about me in chinese. my friend had told me what they said after they left. they said i had the prettiest face but that i was just big (FAT). they were just like why can't she just lose the weight...at first i laughed because i've heard this sooo many times by people. family, friends, and even strangers tell me all the time.."you're so pretty, now only if you would lose the weight"...and i'm like I KNOW I KNOW! WHAT DO THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO SINCE I WAS 11!!!! they just think i eat and eat all day long. that i'm lazy and i don't exercise..ehh..whatever. i'm sick of them too. I'm so tired of people putting me down and not seeing the progress i've made. it doesn't matter anyway, their opinions mean nothing. ONLY MINE DOES. And right now I have lost 70lbs since my surgery and when my surgery anniversary comes up i'm pretty sure i'll reach that 100lbs weight lost range. So 1 year and losing 100lbs is pretty amazing. and yes i will toot my own horn! TOOT TOOT!! oh I'm going this thursday to the oc center in tijuana to get my third fill. yippee i'll be there at 9 in the morning! k bye!

You know what I wish? That people were honest with themselves. Why hide who you are? It just frustrates me when people lie. What's even more frustrating is knowing they are lying to themselves. I'm not talking about things you can change externally, I'm talking about from within. If you know something is true, but you turn the blind eye... What are you so afraid of? Why don't you live? ............................................................................... mario left tonight.. he's on a plane to miami. i love him. i tell him all the time how much i love him because i think it's important to tell all the people that you truly love and care about, that you love them as much as possible. life is so beautiful and very unpredictable. I have never lost anyone i loved, so i'm lucky, but i've learned from others to never take anyone/anything for granted. i'm going strong on my "diet"...um i mean "lifestyle change" as each day passes it gets easier and easier. i guess it takes practice to get it right. i still haven't weighed myself and i probably won't until next week..i don't want to get frustrated because of slow progress and/or plateaus. it's better this way. i think once every two weeks should be sufficient. i know it's going to take me a full year to lose the rest of the weight, so slow and steady. i'm good to go

so it's day three! everyone says the third day is always the hardest because, well, actually i don't know why??..well anyway, i've been reading the forums and i still see some people eat fast food...i don't want to sound rude or mean but ARE YOU CRAZY!!??!! fast food is probably the worst thing you could ever put into your body!! its like the equivalent to crack for a crackhead!!! ugh i don't know, i'm done judging..i'm just going to take care of myself. i refuse to eat fast food anymore. i have to get it out of my system. its my worst eating habit ever. like i said crack to the crackhead. its crack to the fat person. but this a good thing..during my indulgence week i avoided mcdonalds..weird since mcdonalds is like my favorite ever. i just went to sonics a lot because its hot and i wanted icecream and corndogs. hahaa i've been feeling good and almost like my old self again. i want my energy and spunk back, i think by the end of the week i'll have it all back! then i'll be super happy and bubbly like how i always am or maybe not since mario is leaving me for a week...ughhhh...i mean i have other friends but i only like to hang with mario because he's my bestestEVER, nobody can compare. its funny because all my other friends will always ask me to hang out with them and i'm like no because i wait for mario to ask me to hang out..thats probably the worst thing ever to do because thats the first sign of DEPENDENCY...eesh i hate that word. anyway speaking of bestesEVER, J, my sf friend is in Milwaukee, wi visiting her family. she texted me yesterday telling me her dad pointed at her big fat stomach and said she wasn't "fat" but "big-boned".........HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA :lol: i know as well as she does, that she is not "big-boned", she has a gut because she's fat bottomline. she's 5'6 and at least 160lbs. she carries all her weight on her top half and belly because she's an upside down triangle as i call her. I'm a pear, so we're opposite in body shape. i carry all my weight in my hips, butt, thighs etc. i don't know if its a blessing or a curse i mean love my shape. i don't want to be a stick. so even when i reach my goal weight my bottom half will still be big but that doesn't bother me as long as i look good in whatever i wear so i found this one website that measured body fat and such. here's my calculations: Your body fat percentage=> 28.8% Your lean weight is => 182.3lbs You have 73.7% of fat on your body Great I have 74 lbs of fat on my body... My body fat % is in the average range but the ideal range which "indicates a good level of fitness" is 21-24% http://www.inch-aweigh.com/calc_body_fat.htm okay now i just went to this website: http://www.healthcentral.com/cholesterol/h...t-2774-143.html Home Body Fat Test Your Results You have 33.8% body fat. You have 86.5 Pounds of fat and 169.5 Pounds of lean (muscle, bone, body water). ok i have between 74 and 87lbs of fat on my body that needs to be gone!!! i can't wait to lose all this weight. seriously i'm over being fat! ...... so sometimes i go around to different websites and read how people are losing weight. Just getting tips for eating habits and exercise.i came upon a girl's journal where she had posted pictures of her after 4 months of "working out/eating healthy" pictures. she looked fabulous, but that's because she was never "fat" she's one of those girls that are skinny but don't tone. There were tons of comments asking what she did to look like that. one commenter asked her how to eat healthy because its seems to be the hardest thing for her to do. then the girl replied that eating healthy was the easiest part of being healthy. i laughed when i read this comment because if it was i wouldn't be fat....or maybe i'm just stubborn?? anyway so she tells her all these good eating habits to do like not eat anything processed and stay away from refined sugars, which is really good advice because i've been told these many many times. but after reading it from this girl, that's my age and seeing how easy she made it seem gave me a confidence boost to just do it. if its easy for her then it could be easy for me! well thats my mentality at least, it does help because i did lose 64lbs and kept it off now! hooray! now only if the next 65lbs could come off faster that would be EXCELLENT! sometimes i get discouraged because of all the weight i have to lose compared to others who only have 50 or less lbs to lose. i'm like omg that's nothing compared to a human being i have to lose!!! you just have to get rid of a 6 year old. hahaa but i guess trying to lose weight is always going to be hard so hooray for everybody on the same journey!

i don't know about 'whey based' but i do like these protein bars called "think thin" that i get at trader joes. here's the website: http://www.thinkthinbars.com/

i haven't weighed myself lately. i'm too afraid of what it will say. i've been eating really bad for the past week without exercise. i feel disgusting. on the bright side, yesterday i went back on my diet and am now completing day one i guess it is true that what you eat really affects your moods and how you look. i felt horrible snacking on chips and slushies all day. gross. i was sluggish, tired, and lazy. my skin turned disgusting after a few days of eating junk food. my friend said i had bags under my eyes! WHAT!?!! i was so upset because it was true! i did! ahhhhh!! i was like that's what i get for not getting enough sleep, eating WRONG, and not exercising! i couldn't believe i was breaking down after only one week of eating junk food!!! that is it! i'm never touching the stuff ever again! its going to make me look old and remain fat! i can't have that! i know this seems really really shallow but i NEVER EVER want to look old ever in my life. even when i'm 70 i don't want to look old. no wrinkles, or fine lines for me EVER!! and especially no bags!!! i know i cannot achieve that if i abuse my body by feeding it junk. i don't smoke, drink or do drugs because i know thats the quickest way to make you feel and LOOK a bajillion times older than you are..and not the attractive way either. so i'll weigh myself in a week from now and see where i'm at. i'm pretty much done with sabotaging myself. haha i just re-read my last blog entry. i must have been really tired because there were more run sentences then usual and missing words which changed the whole meaning of what i was trying to convey. oh well..i'm going to sleep now so i can get 9 hours of sleep so i don't have bags underneath my eyes!!

my sf friend is in town again and i actually decided to hang out with her because i was just feeling good. i got the day off so i decided to hang with her. i asked her if she wanted to like skate around the neighborhood to jamba juice or whereever. this was like at 5 in the afternoon and the sun is still shining high so it was all good. but we didn't make out till 9 because she was held "hostage" by her family which was perfect because i just wanted to be lazy lounging around the house. anyway by 9pm we were out skating. i showed her my skills and she was like OMG you know how to skate!! and i was like yeah i know its awesome right?! hahaa anyway we were like lets go to walmart and buy a skateboard for her so we did. but walmart skateboards really suck..anyway we were skating around the walmart parking lot for a while then decided to go to the movies and watch "THE DARK KNIGHT"...hahaa yeah i finally gave in and went to see it. i mean everybody was like you have to see the dark knight its sooo good so i was like eh ok ok and it was good! it was sick and twisted like something i would expect from a horror movie but not batman. hahaa i love horror movies so this was an A+++ in my book! then we went to ihop and got spinach mushroom dishes. it was delicious! then two cops walked in to eat and one was soooooooo cute. like really cute. i started to squeal like a twelve year old and the waitress was laughing at us because we were acting like school girls. but i couldn't help it he was adorable! so handsome and young. i smiled at him and he smiled at me then i died! oh my heart...pitter patter, pitter patter ...teeheehee. my friend made things even worse because she was like he's staring at you and i'm like i know stop it we look really dumb standing here giggling like little school girls! but then we started laughing like crazies again! eek i'm so embarrassed because i couldn't stop smiling while glancing at him and he totally saw me blushing like a maniac. oh but he sure did have the most beautiful-est smile i've ever seen on a man..hmmm we were thinking of maybe running into his patrol car so he would come out and talk to us or arrest us. either way i would have gotten a chance to talk to him j/k today is jake's 26th birthday! i called him at 3 in the morning to wish him a happy birthday. he was sleeping but he picked up to talk to me. i didn't want him to i was just going to leave a voicem. he's in la for business but he comes home tomorrow so we can celebrate! mario wants to bake him a cake. yayayaya! i told mario we should drive to la and surprise him! but mario has to work. it would have been really fun. i think the boys are going to move to la next year..i probably will too. just thinking about them leaving me here in vegas alone makes me sad. i love them so much. it would be like breaking up a family. they're like my brothers and i would miss them terribly. thats horrible..all my bestfriends would be in california and i would be the only one left in vegas like a loser! i'm still eating like whatever i want. i'll get back on tomorrow. today me and j (sf friendforever) will probably go skating and shopping. i can't wait! we always have so much fun together when she's not being RUDE but its ok because i will put her in her place like nobody's business if she wants to get an attitude with me! ha i forgot to mention that she was going to buy elbow pads but they cost like 20 bucks which was like half the price of her walmart skateboard so she didn't get it. but i think she should have because the first time she falls real hard on the pavement she's going to be in a huge shock like i was. i don't fall off my skateboard anymore but that's because i haven't tried to do a tailstop lately..i mean remember that bruise?! its not green/yellow/dark purple anymore its a faint purple which means its finally healing. i found a knee pad that i use as an elbow pad ha i don't care if it looks weird at least i'm not busting my elbow! k busy day tomorrow gotta get lots of sleep bye

the puerto rican food was delicious! i basically ate like half a chicken and a piece of cow. then we salsa-ed all night! haha! mario's mom was exhausted because she was dancing with mario. she didn't realize mario can dance and shake it like nobody's business! but i do because me and mario dance like all the time. i can keep up with him because i'm used to it. plus i workout, i'm young, and i have soo much energy. i could dance all night if somebody told me i had to! i had hit a plateau only losing a lb in one week so i decided to trick my body by eating lots of calories because my exercise routines varies so that's not the problem. i used to feel horrible about going on and off of my diet by eating lots of calories to eating a good amount. actually...i don't even count calories. i'm more about eating right. like i know eating that cheeseburger isn't healthy so i just avoid it. but then days when i feel like i'm not losing weight fast enough i get frustrated and eat that cheeseburger! then i get back on my diet and the weight just drops off. so now i know that zig zagging your calories does work. if i want to zig zag my calories so i don't get into a rut with weight plateaus i have too eat just a little bit more but of healthy foods as well! yesterday i ate more food than usual but it took me so long to get any of it down that's why usually i don't eat lots of food anymore because with the band it takes me like 4 times as long to eat one plate of food when it takes everybody else 15 minutes. so i'm not necessarily "pigging out", its just more food than i'm used to eating since the surgery. i think i'm going to go three days of "pigging out" then get back onto my diet and see how it goes. i was hoping to be down a certain weight this month so we'll see. i'm really starting to see the choices i make now. like i choose not to drink soda anymore and i choose not to eat at fast food places. i mean those options are always going to be open but i rather not. the other day my co-worker went to mcdonalds and usually i always get something but yesterday for the first time i can honestly say i truly did not want anything from that place. its sooo weird and at the same time i feel so good about it! i never drink soda anymore. i can't even remember the last time, its been that long...i want fast food to be like that also. i want it to be a habit for me where i never stop at a fast food place ever again to the point where i can't remember the last time i did. i'm happy

can somebody please tell me why i'm looking at fast food nutritional facts aka excruciating slow torture??! ( so i have a thing for wendy's chili..i like to put two of those sour cream thingys in it and eat it like that. i know i'm horrible! but i did resist the urge. so hard. so at work i'm sitting between two people eating Hawaiian food..not fun ( ..i wanted some sooooo bad you don't even realize!! ( i'm surprised i kept my cool so well. then for at least half an hour i was talking to my coworker about our favorite places to eat. how is it that i can talk about food for half an hour?!!! ugh. i'm kind of annoyed at how some people can lose weight so quickly than others. especially if the two are about the same weight and started around the same time. well i shouldn't be too upset i mean everybody is different. it depends on lots of other things so i shouldn't get too caught up in numbers. ugh..now i just looked up Hawaiian food places...what is wrong with me?!! i have to get my mind off of this! #-o i think i'm just sleepy. its getting close to my bed time anyway. tomorrow mario's family is having a reunion and its going to be nothing but puerto rican food for miles! his family from new york is coming so its going to be huge. speaking of mario..him and jake are going to the bahamas in august for their birthdays. of course i can't go ..whatever i'll let those two go holding hands together frolicking about... i'm not going anywhere for summer this year and that seriously sucks! ok i have to look at this from the positive side. not going on vaca means i won't be eating like a crazy. also i'll have time to devote to myself. yeah that's right! so i guess this summer is about getting right. everybody can go do their little road trips and bahama cruises all they want! I DON'T CARE. more time for me!!!! /biggrin.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':D' /><' /> i think i'm going to make another ticker tracker thing for a mini weight loss goal. you know like break it up so i'll be like yeah i hit a goal wooo hooo or something like that. but its more for hitting that weight where i'm under a certain weight which i'm aiming for in december on my birthday. it would be the bestest gift i could give myself

so i'm only going to weigh myself on sundays and thursdays. they seem to be the days i actually get some results! so i was talking to one of my friends who also got the surgery done about how i hate that i'm not losing the weight fast enough. she tells me that mass weighs more than fat..i think..she continues with an analogy about how a basketball and golf ball weigh the same. the difference is that the basketball is full of air aka fat. she said it was obvious i was losing fat so she told me to keep doing what i was doing. so that gave me the confidence to keep on track no matter how discouraging that scale makes me feel. i know its not about what's on the scale either. it's about inches and how you feel. i feel great and i notice my clothes that i saved from 3/4 years ago when i weighed less, fit once again. during that time i was the same weight i am right now. i'm happy about that. i think i'm scared of not losing and staying at this weight or something and never getting to my goal. i really hope that doesn't happen because just thinking about it makes me want to cry. i've never been skinny in my whole entire life so just to have it for even one day i would die happy. i don't want to be fat my entire life..i don't want to be fat for even another year! i can't take it anymore. i don't want to lie to myself and say i'm happy being fat when i'm not. i can't truly be happy knowing that i'm excluded from certain activities or projects because of my weight. it's not fun to be limited by something you know you did to yourself. so i'm the only one to blame and the ONLY ONE to fix it. so with that said i'm going to go exercise now

i decided NOT to weight myself daily. do you know how much of a mood killer that is gahh! i'm always like yeah i did so good yesterday i probably lost a pound and then i weigh myself the next morning and it still says the same weight and i'm like WHAaaaaaT!!!?!!! what is this obsession people are having with that movie "the dark knight"???! weird..... anyway i didn't skate last night because i bruised my left elbow and half way down my forearm from crash landing on it while trying to do a tail stop. they said i'm going to fall like a lot while trying to learn to do and it happened twice! i got scared that i was going to break something so i'm going to get some elbow pads and wear more layers to lessen the blow. but that first time i fell i think i heard something crack but it wasn't painful it was kind of a shock because i haven't fallen like that since i was first trying to ride a bike when i was 7. hahaaa check out my bruise! and ooo yea for me for figuring out how to post pics on entries! oh and i decided to erase the wedding pics from my album because i can't help but feel bitter about what happened so i don't want to be reminded about it and i want to get over it as quick as possible. speaking of getting over things my sf friend hasn't talked to me in 5 days now...surprise surprise...she's probably doing that road trip thing still so whateverrr. lately i've been feeling kind of jealous...i'm jealous that mario is hanging out with jake instead of me. i mean don't get me wrong i love being by myself but still its nice to be included...ehhhh whatever...i'm just gonna go do my own thing and stop caring about what everybody else is doing. its none of my business anyway. plus its not my style to be a needy, clingy, dependent person. gross...anyway back to being me...happy, INDEPENDENT, and totally free

well i'm back on my exercising routines! i'm not going to call it routines because it's not really a routine per se. it's more like a way for me to kick up my heart rate so i have more energy throughout the day and be super happy all day! last night i actually went skating! i fell face forward and totally ate it! but now i know how to actually get on the board (without it flying the other way), how to stand (like arrange my feet) , how to shift the board so i don't run into the curb, and coast! all in half an hour too! but that's just because i've been trying to do it on and off since i was 16. its just now i wanted to get serious about it and really learn instead of playing around. i'm sooo happy that i can actually do it! my mom was watching me and i was like mom look at me no hands! i don't know how to really stop just yet. i kind of just put weight onto the back and step off but that's really bad if i'm going fast so i always have to run when i get off but i know there's another way to do it without almost breaking your knee to do it. well i'll figure it out. but skating is pretty much the best exercise because i was sweating more in 15 minutes then a whole hour of cardio! but i'll keep my cardio too because i love it. you know what..i'm not going to even call it "exercise" because that term seems so blah to me. i'm going to say hobbies! yes hobbies and being active is better

I lost another pound! I'm going to go exercise now byeee!

i've been doing very well on my diet. I haven't started exercising yet, because i never have time! But i got to find a way to start exercising again. work is good. everybody has pretty much mellowed out which is great or maybe its just me that has mellowed out?? well i'm just trying to be good and keep out of trouble. its funny because every time i'm quiet everybody always thinks something is wrong with me. haha! i'm enjoying the more serious mature side of me this lady at work found out she has diabetes. all last week she went on this crusade telling everybody how she's going to change her life and how we need to start changing ours...and guess what she's doing this week?? ...eating chinese takeout... but i figure its just one of those bad habits to break. so i don't judge because i do the same exact thing. one moment i'm all about eating healthy and on my diet, then the next i'm stuffing smores in my face..ehhh. i know i'm going to get off track once in a while, but i just have to get back on. i'm not going to beat myself up over it. i just have to keep reminding myself of why i'm doing this and reaching my dream. for the past 4 days i've been daydreaming about being skinny..i know its weird. i just imagine what i'm wearing and how cute it looks and how happy i am. i really really want to be at normal weight. i just want so badly to be normal. i went out to breakfast with the boys this morning. i had oatmeal and they had the "jack deuces" special..basically that comes with 2 pancakes, 2 eggs, 2 sausages, 2 bacon, and toast, for yes, you guessed it.. 2.99! haha oh vegas...you gotta love this town my oatmeal bowl was HUGE. mario was like ha you're only going to eat like a quarter of that and i was like i know gosh! our other friend is jake. jake is 6'5 180-190lbs nothing but lean muscle mass. so they're both trying to gain weight (i think they're competing with each other..) because its so hard for them to keep it on, so they eat a lot. like a lot of food in the same amount of time it takes me to eat a quarter of my food. every time i'm around these boys i'm just like can you make me look anymore abnormal! ugh. but i love them. like i said before they are my inspiration to get skinny now! they keep on telling me to join the gym with them and i'm like um we wouldn't even be together because you guys would be lifting weights while i'm running on the treadmill but i guess they could always come and harass me or vice versa i really want to join the gym though. really soon, promise. hopefully i won't mess up on my diet. i want to see if i can stay on for at least a month. just to say to myself look i can do it. i'm not just a two weeker... gosh i'm so disappointing sometimes. but anyway i'm going to sleep now so i could get up early to work out tomorrow! yippeeeee! i'm excited to get back on my exercising routine!

I feel like a fraud. i didn't go back on my diet. i was doing good for half a day and something just hit me. before i knew it i was being served smores and had chocolate dripping on my face. ugh......MARIO! everytime i'm around him and he's being "bad" i just want to be bad too. Its so funny because he's part of my inspiration and also a part of my destruction! anyway i think i'm over it now. i ran out of food spending money and accidentally over-drafted my account ( now they charge 34 dollars for every purchase over!! but at least i get paid this friday. speaking of work i've been early everyday since receiving my "final warning" about my attendance. i'm not worried about it anymore because i know that i can probably go 3 months without an incident. that's just how i am. when someone tells me that i'm messing up somewhere, they just need to tell me once and i fix the problem. i wish i could be the same way with people...the thing with people is that if they "tease" me i just kind of shake it off and let it be, but then they think its ok to keep doing it. then before you know it i blow up and the person just thinks to themselves "omg she's lost it, what a crazy!" and i'm like no i'm not crazy, you're the idiot who keeps saying dumb things to upset me!! i wish i didn't keep it all in. i wish i could just be brave and confront the person right then and there! ...i feel like lately i've been doing that. yes i really mean it. so remember that guy i was talking about at work who said "leopards don't change their spots"...well he also says other things that really annoy me. so he started calling me the "cnn reporter" because something happened several months back where a "rumor" got out of control and of course the finger was pointed at me. i don't want to get into details because that story is wayyy too long but short story is don't ever repeat something you've heard from a spiteful jealous child of 23. yeah so this girl (spiteful jealous child of 23) told me something and i told a person who then repeated it to someone else, who then repeated it to the person who the rumor was about, then things got out of hand. so because of that incident i'm the one that's not to be trusted because i "tell everybody everything"....first of all i only confide with 5 people at work. they are my friends outside of work as well and one of them is mario so he doesn't count because he's my bestfriend. so the 4 other people did not repeat this "rumor", it was that one person who told the WRONG person this information. those 4/5 people are the people i share my deepest feelings and life with. I trust them all well except one but its not that same person that told that stupid person who got everyone in trouble. its another one but that's besides the point. the point is i still trust those people. they are the only ones i wish to talk to about anything. so no i did not go running my mouth or "telling everybody everything"...STUPID. i'm really annoyed that my reputation as being trustworthy has been tarnished in the eyes of others because they don't know the real story behind the situation. so back to the whole "cnn reporter" business..he constantly says "there's the cnn reporter!".."there she goes!"...like really annoying stuff so yesterday i let him have it! i said "how am i the cnn reporter when you're the one who's loud as hell!" then he just looked at me really surprised and didn't say a word after that. and all today i didn't hear one smart remark out of his mouth. yeah that's right! i did it! i finally stood up for myself! everybody was so shocked when i said that but i told them he had it coming! he's been making that stupid remark for months now and its not funny anymore, its harassment. but if he thinks he can start with me again he has another thing coming! did i mention this guy is the first to snitch on you! yeah he's that person who will be the first one to throw you under the bus to save himself! DISGUSTING! and he's like in his 50's SERIOUSLY NOW! you would think because he's older he would be wiser but that's far from the truth. sometimes he texts or calls me and i'm like really don't want to talk to him because i don't like him as a person and definitely not as a friend now. he's done other things in the past that has made my trust in him disappear. he threw me under the bus and several of my confidants. none of us trust him..you can't trust a rat. so if he says something else to me i'm going to call him out for the RAT he is! I'll say it loud and "broadcast" it for the whole office to hear so he'll eat his words! sorry..i sound really vindictive but i rather not be this way. its just sometimes people really need to be put in there place and nobody deserves to be disrespected by a fool who is exactly what he claims others are! if you're pointing the finger you have three pointing back at you!!! so there! speaking of trust and standing up for myself..let's go back to that sf friend of mine... so she texts me today and it reads: text message 1) Just left the aquarium in monterey and stoke some water un detected. text message 2 sent three minutes later) I can't believe we still haven't been to seattle we should go and i promise i'll do my best not to ruin our friendship then i reply: Ha yea sure plus u already know if u start w any crap there won't be a nxt time. She didn't reply back. GOOD. she knows i mean business. she's on a road trip right now cruising along the california coast. that's cool she needs to travel because she doesn't go anywhere. her moving to sf was pretty much the biggest and absurdest thing she's done. the only reason why she moved there is because i told her i wanted to go to school out there so basically i was going to move there first. plus i was born and raised in the bay area so really.. I am from California and i've been up and down that state so many times so i could care less if she's in monterey or wherever. i think they're coming down to vegas. i don't want to see her face because she'll probably do something to upset me and then i'll end up telling her off (possibly punching her in her big fat mouth!) and then that would be the end of our 8 year friendship because i warned her. i think she's forgotten how to act around me or treat me. she's lived in sf for a year now and we see each other er maybe 3/4 times a year when we used to hang out like everyday for 5 years straight. she was never ever rude or mean to me. she never disrespected me or would treat me any way other than how a bestfriend should act. you know.. laugh, joke, talk about everything and anything..but now its like i don't want to open my mouth because i'm afraid she's going to come at me with a snide comment just to be an EVIL RUDE PERSON. and that is definitely not how you should feel around you're "bestfriend". i'm not saying i want her to be walking on egg shells around me or not to be herself..its not about that. its about being honest and not covering up how you really feel with sarcasm or "witty remarks", which are not witty at all, it's just mean and childish because remember what she said about being sorry for being rude because she wanted to end the conversation but at the same time make sure i knew she didn't "care"...well she could have said that instead. she could have said "ok i want to end this conversation because whatever i'm over it"...or something like that...i mean how hard is that?! the whole thing could have been avoided if she wasn't so dumb. ok i'm done talking about her because it just makes me angry to think that someone i trust, love and is basically my sister/family because we grew up together, could be such an IDIOT. whatever i'm over it. ok back to me! so here i go for real now! back on! and i'm not going to hang with mario this week...ok ok maybe i will but i won't go indulging in any smores!!

great..i just wrote like two long paragraphs and they erased because i refreshed the screen. whatever. so here's the fast update: -i love mario -indulgence week is over -i'm back on my health diet - i refuse to be the third wheel or "second rate" -no caffeine -exercising again -swimming all summer -i'm jealous of skinny pretty girls and i hate them all. -nevermind i take it back... -"be honest, be yourself"..pretty much the best advice ever said to me by my mom -i love my mom

so i'm back from the wedding, and dancing all night with a group of like 15 people. it was fun. i mean i didn't really know know any of the people but they were cool. so i kind of had this crush on this guy at the wedding and so did everybody else. anyway this girl that knew my mom and aunt was hanging around me all night so we just bonded. anyway she was like that guy is so hot and i was like i know! then she asks me to go dance with her and all the family because "hot boy" was dancing now too. so we go dance and she pulls me towards him and taps him on the shoulder! he turns around and sees me and i'm just like uhhhh and i point to her. then she asks him so smoothly "so who are you with?" and he replies "oh i'm the groom and bride's close friend"...to make a long story short..he ends up talking/dancing with her all night and i end up that "tag-a-long friend" you know what i'm talking about..that annoying third wheel... i mean its ok because they look way cute together like they belong to one another. but still it sucks because i liked him first!!! whatever. i'm not about to fight a girl for a dumb guy. he was wayyy into her anyway so like it matters what i do. he lives in san jose plus he's 27 and she's 27 so it was like perfect for them. i'm too young. ugh seriously i'm never going to win with the age thing. it's either i'm too old to do this or i'm too young to do that. FRUSTRATING. i didn't eat a lot at the wedding. i was expecting to eat wayyy more but i didn't. i chose really healthy stuff too. i didn't even eat dessert i just had fruit which even surprised me because i chose to eat fruit instead of the wedding cake or the cookies being served. so weird...hmm maybe its not though...maybe i'm finally coming to my senses. that yeah there is always going to be some "temptation/indulgence" out there but its up to me to make the right choice. i guess that goes with lots of other aspects to life as well... anyway here's a picture of me and my cousins at the wedding today...err yesterday..errr a few hours ago oh and just for kicks, a picture of the "couple" i was talking about..eh yeah he's not even that cute. waste of my time to hang out with them after the wedding because i just became that "tag-a-long friend" when i could have been out with my real friends. serves me right...well i did have fun so i guess that's all that matters. plus i can hang out with my real friends all the time now since i don't want to ever be that "friend" again.

20??! i'm 22 so does that mean i stopped growing now!? i hope not! i want to be 5'7 for real for real! but i'm a late bloomer for everthing, i've always been like that.