babymk

my mom just measured my height right now and i'm 5'6!!!!!! i don't believe it! when did i grow?! well i guess the last time i did measure my height i was like 18 and i just assumed i was the same height now because i thought you stop growing when you reach a certain age..well i'm happy!!!! i always wanted to be 5'7 but 5'6 is still great! hmm i am 22 now so maybe i have stopped growing?.. well wow! for the longest time i thought i was still 5'4 1/2!! yayaya now i'm 5'6 yayaya! it must be true because my friend/coworker was like "i'm 5'5" and i was like me too sorta..but when we stood side by side i was just a lil bit taller than her so I thought she probably doesn't know how tall she really is...but it was me the whole entire time!!! plus that friend of mine in sf was always taller than me because she was 5'6 when we were 18 and i was 5'4 1/2 but i did notice in our pictures together we were shoulder to shoulder. I DID GROW!!! anyway i'm excited! the wedding is today and i have the day off! friday, no work...equals YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS here i'll post a picture of us together...that's in sf 2 weeks ago. umm i guess you can't just individually post pics..

ugh i hate vegas. dumb buffets and dumb "2 for 1" deals that who in their right mind would ever pass up!?!! maybe someone trying to lose weight?! NOT! ...my "indulgence" week is still going full speed ahead and i can't stop! well i know i'm going to stop because it gets old..you know eating whatever you want with no consequences. i noticed i eat when i'm really really happy. and i'm super happy right now. i never eat when i'm sad or mad. when i'm sad/mad i like to workout or do something active like running around the mall browsing, shopping whatever. i want to find a good balance where i'm really happy but i don't need food to "complete" the deal. anyway i told mario that i changed my weight loss goal to something higher than my original goal was. he asked me what it was before then what i changed it to now. i told him i wanted to be like 120 but he said that was wayyyy too skinny. i was kind of shocked that he said that because i figured that was thee perfect weight for someone my age and height. it's weird because he wants to gain weight, well not really weight but muscle mass like he wants to be one of those "big body builder" type guys..well not really "meaty body builder competition" body just like "broad shoulders, tight abs, small waist" body. he's like 6'0 190lbs basically all muscle, but according to the BMI calculator he's overweight. he's definitely not overweight looking all. i know the bmi calculator does not take into account what is lean body mass or body fat. my aunt said that i was going to look like her daughter in two years and her daughter is 13..uhhh ok?... so she wants me to have the body of a 13 yr old?..uh how about no. she meant well i'm sure..she's just saying i'm going to be as skinny as her which is fine i guess. its still annoying for them to think all its going to take is exercising. my aunt is one of those people that eat, don't exercise and manage to gain NOTHING even as she gets older! it's ridiculous. i know exercise is important in the weight loss process. plus it makes me feel really good. anyway i want to start walking like everywhere but walking in vegas is pretty much impossible. its like 115 degrees out here and when people see you walking outside they stare at you like you're super weird. anyway i'll figure something out. so tomorrow i have to go to a wedding. i wanted to be at a certain weight by then but uh since i decided to indulge all week that goes out the window. ok ok i promise to go back on track like sunday because saturday we have a potluck at work...hahaaaa i know i know...yeah sometimes i want to yell at myself too

so um i fell off the wagon...i couldn't help myself! it was mario's fault! he had these chips and he was waving it my face and i just went gimme gimme and well...here's the thing i'm not mad at myself. i figure i need to give myself some room to be "bad". i mean everyone has a bad day and i'm not going to beat myself up over it. i'm losing weight and i'm keeping it off, so that right there is a huge accomplishment. because of the lap band i know i will never put it back on. i know there are chances even with the band, that i could put the weight back on but i know better then to do that. i just have my days where i need a salty/sweet fix. anyway i'm changing my weight loss goal to something higher because i think the number i picked is too low even though its "ideal". i want to make my own ideal. so as i continue to lose weight and get smaller i'll see what happens to my body. then i'll decide then if i want to go lower or stay at a certain weight because i like the way my body looks. with that said i'm getting a fill in august. visiting my family in san diego is always the best! and that's a picture of us when we took the kids out the day before july 4th. it's me, my sister, mario's niece, and then mario. i love that picture its so amusing. i have a video too but i don't think we can upload videos on here. too bad it's sooo funny

ok so i'm cool today. i gave my two bestfriends a piece of my mind so they know exactly where they stand with me. the first one is the one in sf who upset me which in turn made me get super serious about my lifestyle change. we wrote more but this is pretty much the important part: On Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:15 AM, M wrote: when you've managed to push me away for the last time will you get it then? don't think i'm just being "crazy mal" when i really do stop returning your email/calls/texts for good. i'm finally realizing the people who are real and who's just there because they're bored and waiting for someone better to come along. i've never thought that about you but present situations have shown otherwise --- On Sat, 7/5/08, J wrote: Date: Saturday, July 5, 2008, 4:21 AM not true. i love you girl which is probably why i feel like i can be myself with you, even when myself is an inconsiderate b---- because its love. and that is meant to be unconditional. i always talk about you to people because you're my bestfriend and i'm proud of that, not because i don't have someone else. I have tons of people in my life but i realize no one will ever understand me, even when you don't, like you do which is why we're friends we are connected. I don't think you're "crazy mal" but this is part of who you are. this is part of who we are as friends. if we didn't challenge each other from time to time we'd be useless/pointless. but no i still won't get it if you never talk to me again. I think she finally got sick of not liking me enough, and having to deal with my crap. On Saturday, July 5, 2008 4:25 AM M wrote: ok i'm going to sleep i don't know, i'm still wary about her... and now on to my other bestfriend...i was really mad at him last night when we were at a party. so he was totally inconsiderate last night because i asked him to do something for me and he didn't. not because he didn't want to but because he forgot! how can you forget about me!!!??! :lb12: i was so upset that i was thinking of storming out the party and going home and never speaking to him again! but i thought about it rationally and knew that i would look like an idiot for walking out mad when nobody even knew what i was upset about. eh anyways the next day(today) he told me that our other friend was mad at him because he was really rude. i told him yeah he was rude and inconsiderate. of course he was shocked to hear me say that so he didn't respond back to me. but then i told him it was ok because it was a party so there was a lot going on so its not that big of a deal. easily forgiven because it was silly little mix ups. speaking of bestfriends.. i recently saw an old childhood bestfriend of mine. we no longer talk because we had a falling out. so anyway i see him and he doesn't even acknowlegde me. I knew he knew it was me but he still said nothing. I can't understand why he can't forgive me for something i did when i was 13! ugh! he didn't even try to talk to me!!! and no i was not the only one to blame for the falling out. he knows what he did, to make me do what i did. whatever. its so dumb!!...but still, i can't help but feel sad about how things turned out. if that never happened i know we would still be bestfriends to this day. my two bestfriends i have known one for 8 years (the sf one) and the other for 13 years (the INCONSIDERATE one last night). So i stay with my friends forever unless something huge happens. but then i think well if he was still my bestfriend to this day i might not have these two that i have now..because i would have been like i already have a bestfriend why do i need anymore?...plus i don't think i would be the person i am today if we were to remain friends. i really like the person i am now (other than the weight, everything else is great!) i should stop thinking about it. what happened, happened. i can't change the past, and i refuse to live in it anymore. i'm grateful for the people in my life. but sometimes i take it for granted and thats why i get so hurt when they don't comply to me! that sounded really horrible..eh. my coworker/friend offered me a piece of homemade cake today with my favorite kind of creamy icing.. ( i turned it away politely of course. then it seems liked everyone around me was eating all my favorite foods!!?!! one girl had hawaiin food and another had noodles!! ( so i just say quietly at my desk burying my head into a novel i was reading to keep my mind off food. i know i'm doing so well because i can wear things that i used to never wear because they were too tight but now all those things are hanging off of me. so this week all i've been eating are those salads from trader joes called the southwest salad the reduced fat one. it's so delicious! i bought enough for the entire week well until thursday when i get sick of it and want to eat something different. maybe next week i'll eat only tofu. i'm weird like that. i like change but i like routine as well until i feel like changing it up which is very often. i'm still looking at recipes and figuring out how to make them healthy/low fat. one day i'm going to actually cook these recipes because i'm finding so many delicious recipes! so this is another weird thing about me but i'm an on-off again vegetarian. the longest i went without eating meat was 5/6 months. it wasn't really a way to lose weight it was more of a preference. i don't really like meat all that much. i just eat it because its in stuff. chicken this chicken that..you can't really get away from it. but the foods i love are pasta/noodle dishes, bread, and desserts (anything sweet). yeah i definitely know why i'm fat. Anyway I'm figuring out alternatives to my favorites foods which i'm finding there are a lot of things that are really healthy instead. and i'm an on again vegetarian..again.. i was ten minutes early for work they think a silly little "final warning" is going to phase me?! yeah right. it's going to take more than that! people think that i won't make it and they just assume they can brush me off. how silly of them to ever underestimate me. that statement applies to every aspect of my life. i will show all of them! but mostly this is something i need to do for myself and only for myself. it just helps to keep me motivated knowing that nobody thinks i can do it. in the past i felt like i couldn't do it. but these past few days have really been challenging. there were so many times i could have just been like yeah sure give me that hamburger hand over that cake but i didn't. something inside of me just said no. i'm just so over that. i'm happy now that it finally clicked for me. it took a long time for it to finally click but i KNOW now this is real and my time is now.

i am heartbroken right now. I feel like love is not real. not just love between lovers or husband/wife but love in general...between friends, siblings, HUMANITY. i feel like everybody is fake and only cares about themselves. there is no loyalty, no heart, no love. i am so sick of it. i want to run away. i want to run far far away. i've realized i'm always going to be second best. i'm never number one. i'm the back up girl. i'm the one that everybody uses when their real number is busy or gone. i am so mad at myself the most because i let them do it. i let them get away with it each and every time! i obviously don't respect myself if i let people treat me that way. maybe i'm being dramatic...but i don't think i am. i think i'm finally seeing the real truth. i want to disown everybody. i want to never talk to them again. then that will make them realize who i am and whether i mean anything to them. i just don't feel like i mean anything to these people in my life. but thats kind of a lie. i know if i was to disappear and never speak to these people they would definitely freak out. they would try their hardest to get back to me to find me but i feel like why do i have to leave you for you to realize how much i mean to you? why couldn't you treat me like that before i left?..because when i'm gone i'm done, it's too late. i feel like if someone is going to treat a relationship with me like trash then i will be the first to throw it ALL away. this is all types of relationship, but specifically friendship. i'm pretty much like if you cannot show your love to me, i don't want you in my life, just leave me alone. i want everyone thats not real out of my life. i want them gone. i am done. also i'm really peeved about work because i'm on my last final due to attendance. ugh. how annoying. so i could possibly get fired because i'm late one minute from logging in?! RIDICULOUS. i just want to scream about the whole thing! other than that i watched as someone ate an entire plate of food that was stacked at least 4 inches high.

yaya so i'm so happy right now because we were out all day with the kids! we brought them to a museum, desert exhibit, farmer's market, and then pre-fireworks at the park! it was the longest day ever but it was sooo much fun! So of course everybody was eating regular food like fast food or park food with the booths but I just refused to eat any of it. I got a salad and ate as many fruits I could find. I kept hydrated all day probably drank at least 8 bottles of water so that's good. I lost another pound this morning so I was determined to keep myself on the right track instead of trying to give myself an excuse to go off track because I was doing so well. you know when you're doing good so you think its ok just to do something else because you've "earned" it. well i figure i'm going to stop thinking like that because that's what always sets me back from reaching my goal. so yeah definitely no more thinking like that. i think probably the only "bad" thing i ate today which isn't so bad because it was at a farmer's market where everything is fresh was probably the organic cotton candy and a piece of natural cookie. I asked the man what "natural" meant and he said they have no preservatives, only pure and organic ingredients. Which is exactly what I'm going for. I told myself to not eat anymore processed foods. i'm staying away from anything and everything that comes in a can, box, or bag that has anything to do with ingredients that I KNOW doesn't come from nature. so today it was sooo hot that I didn't wear a cover up sweater of some sorts. I actually went without one! i NEVER go without a sweater or jacket. It doesn't matter how hot it gets I'm that girl wearing a black jacket outside in 100 degree weather. But today for some weird reason i felt comfortable just not wearing it. just a regular short sleeved shirt and i was good to go. i thought everybody was going to be staring at me but nobody even blinked an eye at me to make me feel awkward at all. and not to toot my own horn but i looked pretty good without it..ok then toot toot! How wonderful! i feel so good! i can't wait to lose this 8 lbs so i can make an even 10lb weight loss. yippee! tonight is fourth of july and that means party! but of course that does not mean i have to eat fattening food. there are always healthy alternatives so i'll be keeping my eyes open!

Ok i would first like to say that I'm a very independent young lady. I hate to depend on anyone for support. Co-dependency is not my thing. In relationships I like to be free and do as I please. I ask that the other person is the same exact way. I cannot stand someone clinging onto me. I hate the feeling of having to have someone because you depend on that person to make you feel a certain way. May it be happiness, love, security, etc. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I much rather make myself happy just being me and being alone. That is all I wish to say about that. I lost 1lb! I know it's just one pound but I was stuck for several days at the same weight so it really makes me happy. Oh yeah I'm talking to my friend again. She texted me, so i decided I guess I will respond. She's not saying anything too important or life changing just blah blah about some guy she has a crush on but of course she won't tell him. She's trying to get over this one guy who she has liked for over 9 months but it's obvious he does not like her because he has not tried to talk to her outside of work. She annoyed me with an email she wrote me about going out to the clubs to find men and she hoped that the girls she was going with would not attract too much attention because they are "hot" meaning pretty and skinny. Here's a snippet from the email: i hope i'm not left out because the other 2 girls are really hot(pretty and skinny). So to be "hot" according to my friend, you have to be skinny I really, really am starting to dislike her very very much. I don't think I'm being overly sensitive either. I think she has just pushed my buttons one too many times. I want to scream at her and tell her to just shut her mouth. It's ok, because I will be getting the last word when I reach my goal weight. I'll just keep quiet for now and let her talk her mess blah blah feeling sorry for herself. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm putting me first. Also it's really pathetic to go out to clubs looking for men. How lame can you get??? Really now.. I think she needs to love herself first because I don't think she does anymore. I'm thinking maybe she needs me more than ever now, but I cannot bring myself to offer her my hand. I know I'm coming off so bitter and spiteful but I can't forgive so easily. She really did hurt me. I want to be a good friend, a good person, but how can you be good to someone who has been so bad to you?

Today was rough.. My coworker/friend is 5'5 and weighs 122lbs. She is trying to gain weight. I joke with her and say oh you're only 3lbs away from being perfect. So she constantly eats and she sits right next to me. I used to eat with her and she would always share her food with me. But now since I'm on a diet it's torture to be near her. She offered me her dumplings and I had to turn them down. She then had lasagna while I ate a salad. My salad was delicious, but did I ever mention my favorite food is Italian food. Italian anything! Pasta, pizza, lasagna, gelato! I just love it. So after she eats half of it she goes omg I am so full. Then she shows me her stomach and how she has to unbutton her jeans because her stomach got so full. Did I mention WHAT STOMACH?! She's 122lbs so she has no fat whatsoever on her body and she kept trying to push out her stomach to make me think she was fat when she obviously has nothing there! ANNOYING. Then my other coworker who is rail thin as well bought me a caramel frappuccino with whipped cream on the top! I freaked out because i was like OMG i can't eat this! Then of course she was like why not?? I told her I was on a diet and she was like since when?! I was like for a week now. I haven't eaten any processed foods. I didn't ask her to buy me that, so I was really surprised when she gave it to me and said it was for me. A week ago I would have gladly accepted. Of course I declined but I thanked her for her generosity. It really was a nice gesture. What I really want to speak about is a comment another co-worker said. He was talking to the 5'5 122lb coworker and she was telling him about diets. Then he goes "you're trying to lose weight?!..That's soooo easy!" But then she said no gain. Anyway when I heard his comment about saying it was sooo easy to lose weight I wanted to get up and kick him in the face. He is a fool. So this guy is probably 5'7/8 and weighs close to 350 at least. So how is it that he is going to say it's easy to lose weight when it seems he's doing the exact opposite. He would probably say that he doesn't want to lose weight because he's "healthy"...and the funny thing is he told me once that even though he's big, he's healthy...HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAAAAAA! 5'7 350 is NOT healthy, no matter how much he wants to lie to himself it's never going to be true. I can't even hold a decent conversation with him because he's just that ignorant. Some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth makes me laugh to myself because he thinks he sounds so smart but all he's doing is proving how much of an imbecile he is. What is really funny is this one day i was talking to him about flying to SF and he told me he flew virgin. I was like oh that's what I'm going to be flying. Then I asked him if it was nice and if the seats were good? He tells me "the best, especially for people our size".... I couldn't believe he was comparing me to him! Then I thought about it and was like am I really that big???? Then I thought omg I am... So that was another turning point for me. Oh yeah my 5'5 122lb coworker/friend kind of made fun of my "diet". She laughs and goes what another two weeks again? I can't help but acknowledge my past actions completely warrant the lack of support amongst my friends/acquaintances. So for that reason I'm not too upset by their behavior. Exception: that stupid friend of mine in SF She hasn't contacted me for 2/3 days now which is fine with me. I really have nothing to say to her. I'm not mad or upset about what happened anymore. But I suppose she feels it best to leave me alone which is probably a good thing because anything out of her mouth would probably be stupid anyway. So lately when I read magazines I see recipe ads and cut them out. I look at the ingredients for the recipe and try to figure out what I could substitute to make that dish healthy/lowfat. I go through days of wanting a certain food. This week all i wanted was granola and honey. Now this week all I want is salad with creamy low fat dressing. I know my Italian attack is going to happen and I'm going to want to indulge. So I need to find healthy recipes that I can make, that are super easy and require minimal prep time. I'm a really busy girl so that's why fast food was so convenient. I wouldn't have time to pack a lunch, but now i kind of just throw everything into a huge tote bag. So I really have no excuses. I just don't want to get bored with my health food selection. I've stayed the same weight for two days now and I'm really annoyed. It really does wane my confidence and makes me want to throw the towel in but I know it's just a little rut that I will get through if I keep at it. I won't let them win.

I just got back from attending a birthday party and dancing all night with my main bestestboy-friend Of course there was birthday cake at the party and man did I really want to just stick my face in it to indulge! #-o I didn't I just smooshed the fork around on the plate. I think the motion of picking up a fork and moving it around on plate was comforting enough for me. Whoa...I think that sounded really weird???...but in a way it satisfied me just to do that and not eat the cake. There was salsa and dip too. It looked really good. I kept staring at it thinking to myself, 'one chip isn't going to hurt...maybe just tonight'...then i stopped. I cursed myself for trying to convince myself that it was ok to eat some chips and dip when I knew that was the last thing I wanted to do. In the end, I didn't eat that either. I'm very proud of myself. Finally! I know now this is the year I will get to a good healthy weight, and finally be a regular girl. I just want to be able to go anywhere and do anything. I don't want my weight to be an issue. If I want to go to a theme park, I don't want to think "am I going to fit on the ride?" If I were to go with friends on tropical get-a-way i don't want to be the only one completely covered up on the beach because I'm embarrassed of my body. It's things like that, that make me feel like I'm a prisoner within my own body. I want so badly to be free. Speaking of tropical get-a-way, my friends want to go on a 5 day cruise to Mexico. But what do you think is the first thing that popped into my mind when I was invited? "I'm going to look pretty stupid tanning with a t-shirt on when everybody is in bathing suits..." Then my friends are going to think I'm super weird for not owning a bathing suit or getting into the pool. Eh I don't know, I'm working on it

So I'm nervous about this weekend. Fourth of July! The picnics, the parties, the bbqs...all the food. My friends are throwing a party and I'm going to look like a weirdo if I don't eat any regular stuff like a hot dog or chips. Then there is a wedding on the 11th and a potluck on the 12th. my coworker asked me if i was losing weight and i said yes. She told me she could really see it in my face and that i looked good. ha. My friend/coworker always comments how I'm losing weight and look so good. I can feel it in my clothes and see it in my face. I can't wait until I get to my goal weight which is very, very low but I know I can achieve it. According to the height and weight charts my goal weight is ideal. I'm 22 so I think I can definitely get there and i want to be ideal while I'm young...actually forever I'm not sure if i want to be "perfect", I just want to be healthy and not have complications due to my weight especially if it could be prevented. I really don't want diabetes, or a heart attack before I'm 30. So that's why I'm so serious about this now. I've realized I'm running out of time. I don't want to wake up 20 years from now still obese and miserable, thinking to myself, what happened.. Well writing all that and re-reading it made me realize what I need to do. Fourth July party, potluck, and wedding are all just going to have to accept that this is not the same girl. I'm different now, for the better, and I mean it. I just have to remember who I am doing this for, which is myself. If I truly love myself, I will not deter from my goal. My other coworker keeps pestering me to go to del taco It's sorta an inside joke, because I used to drive to del taco on my breaks and get us food. This was way before I got the surgery done though. But he constantly brings it up. He's always like "oh I can go for some DT right now how about it?!"...and i just shake my head no, telling him I'm on a diet. Then he just rolls his eyes and says "leopards don't change their spots". He really annoys me, but he's old and had a heart attack a few months back so I just leave him alone since he's probably going to croak over. Sorry if that was mean but he's just as mean by saying I can't change. He doesn't even know me. It's just going to be really funny when I lose all my weight and I can say "hmmm looks like this leopard got stripes."

so she wrote back... I was annoyed you weren't understanding what i was saying so i wanted to end the conversation so you got that i was annoyed, sorry. And i don't do it to anybody or everybody I do it to people who can laugh at themselves therefore not hate me for laughing with them and then we can laugh at each other. but when i'm joking i'm joking. I realized i was rude so i apologized. and i never apologize. whatever...i don't even care to respond. She's so stupid. Making fun of a person who has been overweight their entire life is like making fun of someone in a wheelchair. It's just not cool. I don't even know if she's truly sorry or if she's just saying it so I can go back to being her cheery bestfriend who's always there to lend an ear when nobody else wants to listen to her bull. She texted me and I'm just like ok whatever i don't care..i just really have to think about our entire friendship and if it's worth it anymore. This is the second time this has happened. Not about the weight but about the whole disrespecting and rude snappy condescending attitude when I don't deserve it thing. So i guess thats it..Third strike, YOU'RE OUT. If she does this one more time, just one more time then I will end our 8 year friendship just like that. The thing is I'm sooo easy...all it takes for me to take you back and forgive you is an apology. A REAL apology...not an "oops sorry i called you fat and made several rude comments throughout the week about what and how much you eat because you annoyed me and i never apologize to anybody so like yeah sorry"...uhh i mean does anybody see an apology in there??? All I see is an idiot realizing how stupid she is and trying to save face. We'll be fine in a week or so but I will never forget this. Like i said, just one more time, and she's out. I would be the idiot if I continued to let her belittle and disrespect me. Anyway I just got back from dancing with my boy-friends! My boy-friends are health freaks. Like ripped bodies, big arms, abs, all that stuff. They don't really pressure me to go to the gym and get fit. Actually one of them was surprised that i was losing weight at all. he didn't mean it in a bad way either. He meant he was proud that i was actually sticking to something and seeing results. I've known him since I was 9 when I was already chubby so I guess he's used to me being the chubby girl. but i was never pretty when i was younger. i was that ugly duckling nerd girl...fat ugly duckling nerd girl...eh. anyway when we were 15/16 i got to one of my lowest weight ever. Then of course when you lose weight everybody wants to be your friend. So i went out with my friends every week and ate like a normal kid would but guess what happened???...yeah you know it i gained all the weight I lost plus some...so when i was 17 I gained the weight i lost which was i think about 50 plus 60 more! so i gained 90+ lbs in one year...i didn't even realized i had gained so much weight until I got on a scale and freaked out because i told myself if i ever got to that weight i would kill myself...well you know not literally just being dramatic..but it happened i got to the weight a 17 year old should NEVER be. i was so upset. so i got on a diet and lost a good 50lbs on a weight loss program i paid at least 100 dollars a month for "supplies". i was on and off this program for 3 years. eventually i ran out of money and once the supplies were taken away i gained the weight back plus 20. At this point I was so frustrated about my weight. I figured i guess i'm just going to be fat my entire life or i can eat one carrot a day to get to a certain weight. so those were the two extremes i went back and forth with for a year before realizing it was getting me no where but either really hungry or disgustingly full because i would binge eat. stupid binges....I would sit there and eat cheeseburger after cheeseburger...i was just sooo hungry because for days i would eat close to nothing. I think about it now and realize that's probably the stupidest thing to do to yourself. So anyway my mom told me about gastric. we researched everything, went to seminars, talked to our insurance companies and it was just the worst thing to deal with! they wanted me on a diet for a year before they would let me do it and if i lost weight within that year there was a possibility the insurance company wouldn't let me do it because they can say "see you can lose weight you don't need the surgery". So a year i wasted time with that stupid gastric business. then that's when my mom found Dr. Ortiz and told me about the lap band surgery. I was a little cautious at first because i didn't want to get my hopes up if I couldn't get the surgery done. But it didn't happen that way and here I am today! I'm losing the weight slowly but once it comes off that weight is gone. Even if i was to go "bad" for a few days i wouldn't gain any weight back. it would simply maintain and i love that. But from now on i refuse to go "bad" ever again. i want to get to my goal weight without interruptions. i don't want to stall any longer. like i said, I want to live! i forgot to mention that the boys kept on talking about wanting a big juicy cheeseburger to indulge in. Then one was like I'm going to jack in the box and I looked at him like why?? its 3 in the morning and you're going to sleep! But that's just me being a health nut freak now. I haven't exercised yet but once I start up again i pretty sure i'm going to be lecturing everybody about eating fattening food and telling them they need to exercise. The other day i felt bad for this one guy because he's big and he was drinking soda for the caffeine to stay awake because he didn't get much sleep that day. I wanted to yell at him and tell him not to drink that soda if he was already tired! That stuff isn't going to do anything for you but shoot you up and then make you crash and burn in less time. Plus he's already really unhealthy because I know he doesn't exercise or eat right at all. but i figure I just need to take care of myself first before i go around being all self-righteous. lead by example.

so my bestfriend/sister (yeah the one in sf that pissed me off because she made a "joke" about me being fat) emailed me and said this: Also, sorry if i'm mean to you, i don't want to be mean i just want to make a joke and it be a low blow and then that person realize its a joke but still get the idea that i don't give a f*** what they say. ok i guess i do mean to be mean. S***. Sorry!! I wrote this back: low blows aren't cool when that person means something to you. you really did piss me off with that whole fat comment. It made me realize that I don't wish to confide in you about that subject anymore. because if you could use something like that, that is really important to me and make it into a "joke" then i don't think you need to know anything about that any further. you disrespected me. you know how i feel when people disrespect me. and for it to come from someone i call my sister really hurt. i'm not trying to be dramatic it's just something i've been thinking about and i rather you know then be like wtf theres crazy mal again. I'm not crazy. i just don't know the words to say when the moment happens. you think its funny and you think "thats how i am if you can't take it then f*** you" well its not like that..theres a difference between being tongue and cheek charming and being just plain rude. people aren't going to like you very much if you continue to "joke" with the low blows. you never used to be like that. you only did it to people that did it to you but now its like you do it to anybody that comes within 5 feet of you. I never did anything to you to deserve the comment you said. So that's me confronting her. She's probably going to get defensive and try to fight with me about how dramatic i'm being blah blah, but I really don't care. I want her to know that I don't trust her with this issue anymore. That she has lost my trust. She's going to have to earn it back which i really doubt will happen because once something is said and done with me, that's it. There is no going back. At least its out there and she knows what she did is not acceptable. I have no problem laughing at myself, but when it turns into something other than a joke, then it has to end. Like I said before i will not be discussing any weight issues, diets, nutrition, and/or fitness regimes with her any further. Also anything to do with food, drinks, snacks, etc., I have terminated any and all forms of conversation. I don't mess around. I think people think they can do that to me because I'm such a naturally laid back have fun kind of girl but I have feelings that run deeper than the image I portray on the outside. I usually let people slide and laugh everything off. I mean that's what I learned to do as a kid. I would be made fun of because I was the fat girl so I learned to just let it slide and ignore them. I couldn't go around fighting all of them or making a big production of telling off this kid or that kid because then all of them would come and make it worse. so i never said anything. I would just cry inside because i couldn't say or do anything. i kept it all in. I guess that's why its so hard for me to confront people...I wouldn't say anything to that person when the situation is happening...I would just turn off and become numb. Thats the only way i knew how to deal with people that hurt me. i think i'm getting better now because when someone hurts me i tell them right then and there. I'm beginning to stand up for myself. Its just so hard when you're so used to doing something one way and then changing that. like developing courage and losing weight..i guess they go hand and hand. If I don't like others disrespecting me then why am I disrespecting myself by being fat? by choosing junk food to put into my body and killing it??? well not anymore! I'm going to respect and love myself from now on and forever.

wow temptation hit hard today.. so today i went out with two of my friends (different group from last night). first we went shopping then they decided to eat. I got really nervous because I felt pressured to eat. I mean they weren't telling me to eat or anything but I felt like if I didn't I would look awkward. plus they were having mexican food and I was like OMG BURRITO!...eh. but then something hit me and I said no. I just walked away and said eh i'm not going to get anything I have granola. I did have granola actually. i put probably a cup of granola mixed with organic honey into a sandwich ziplock. Just in case i got hungry and we were going to be staying out late, which we did. Anyway they didn't even say anything, but I'm pretty sure that has something to do with the fact that they were too self centered to notice. I don't mean that in a bad way either. I think they had a lot on their minds..their own personal issues. Which I know of but don't wish to speak of since its not my place to tell. And now back to me! so they're eating and not once did I feel the need to eat that fattening stuff. I saw it and it looked delicious but there was something inside of me telling me don't do it. Well that voice worked! Then we went to the movies...ah the dreaded movie theatre and its popcorn!....but guess what??! I won again! Even though my friends bought candy and hotdogs I didn't get anything! We went to go see the new movie Wall.E.! It was such a cute/good movie. In the movie the people had to be shipped off into space because earth became a landfill of trash. The people had been in space for over 700 years. They had robots and technology doing everything for them. They had hovering chairs so they wouldn't have to walk! of course because of that everyone in the "space world" was obese. All they did was hover around in their chairs, talk on their tv phone screen, and drink milkshakes all day! I was horrified! It made me think that omg that's whats happening to us already. That's what is happening to me...well was. I refuse to be that person anymore. In the movie one of characters say "I don't want to survive, I want to live!" and you know what? I want to live too! I'm so sick of being the fat girl. i want to not be embarrassed of my body. I want to just wear what i want without thinking omg is my fat roll showing??? i want to wear a bathing suit in public without a tshirt or shorts! Yep my goals are set. Nothing is changing my mind. This is it. Ready, set, GO!

i hate going to the movies because i always want to snack on popcorn or candy. My absolute favorite is hot dogs from the movie theaters. Hot dogs are so much more satisfying while watching a movie on a big screen for some weird reason. Then there is the smell of food in the air as you sit in the theatre that just gets my mouth watering. But i survived I didn't eat any popcorn, candy or hot dogs. Another thing i really hate is fast food restaurants. When you're hungry you just want to stop at that convenient del taco or mcdonalds... It's some kind of crazy conspiracy to keep people fat or get them fat. There are so many other things going on in life then having to waste half the time worrying about your weight or what chemicals are in your food. I'm sick of it. I keep telling myself I'm never going to eat fast food again and something always brings me back. I'm well aware that there are chemicals in their foods that make you addicted. I want to set a goal for myself or rather a challenge...I'm going to challenge myself to not eat any fast food, anything that comes from a can or a box for a whole month. My ultimate goal is for one year because I know going for a whole year not eating any processed food will obviously make me never want to eat it again. But I'm going to take baby steps right now. I don't want to overwhelm myself. i can do that sometimes because i get myself so excited about doing something i just want to go 150% not holding back, but I've learned things don't always work out the way you want them. So I'm going to be very cautious and keep out an open eye. I want to know what triggers my need for junk food when I could always pick something healthier. Its harder to lose weight when you're younger because I think I was a lot more impulsive. Well actually I'm still impulsive but I can control myself to a degree.

so I'm really upset because i just got back from San Francisco visiting my bestfriend who is more like a sister to me because we've known each other for 8 years and we've been inseparable since. anyway I'm really mad at her because she knows i got the surgery done and how rough its been for me my entire life with the struggle of my weight. so of course I'm basically on vacation and of course i eat whatever i darn feel like! burrito here some gelato here whatever...anyway she was like "wow you just ate all that food, i thought when you get the surgery done you're not supposed to be able to eat all that stuff"...she didn't say it like a question it was more of a condescending statement. so i think maybe i need a fill....but back to me being angry with her...she kept making really smart rude comments about my weight. saying i was fat and this and that. i know I'm fat duh that's why i got the lap band so i can lose weight and actually keep it off! i can't believe her insensitivity towards me. I've struggled with my weight since i was a kid and the people closest to me in my life have never had to deal with a weight issue. so they just don't get it. they think its sooooo easy to lose the weight. they think i'm a lazy fat slob who wants to continue being fat my entire life because i eat a burrito! its not about that that! i just want to be a normal young person. where i don't constantly have to be reprimanded for eating what regular kids my age eat! but i know i'm not normal. i know i can never be normal. one burrito for me will be exactly 5 extra pounds added to the scale. where as my friend could eat that very same burrito and weight gain would equal 0...its so frustrating. its hard to break the "addiction" when what you're "addicted" to is what you need to live! this isn't like drugs or smoking or drinking or whatever..this is food, this is what people NEED to survive! how can you say no to something you need???!!! also she made this remark about me having a "problem" that i should seek help for...first of all what is she talking about???! sure my weight is a problem I'm well aware of that and I'm trying to fix it. OK sure i eat ice cream every now and then but like i said before everybody eats ice cream so why can't i????!!! i know i know I'm supposed to be losing weight and ice cream is not going to help with that but you can't change over night...i didn't gain all this weight over night and i know i won't be losing all this weight over night either. it's going to take time and its going to take a complete mind makeover and big dose of determination. but you know what? i think its pretty much time for that to happen now. my bestfriend obviously doesn't think i can do it so just because of that I'm going to do this the right way from now on! I'll show her! that stupid rude condescending urgh! i still can't believe some of the things she said. she is most likely jealous because since the surgery i lost 60lbs! yeah 60lbs! I think that's darn good if I do say so myself! i know when i lose 60 more lbs the catty snide remarks are going to get even more vicious and I'm ready!!!! and guess what??? when i got home from my vacation i weighed myself and lost 5 lbs! sooo in your face about my burrito and gelato eating! THAT'S RIGHT! but no more burrito and gelato eating for me from now on. i'm getting dead serious and the next time she sees me i want to have a significant weight lost to rub it in her face! I LOVE when people underestimate me because it just fuels me that much more!

so this is my first my post and i'm kind of bummed that it would be under the "I cheated" post because I did! I got banded two weeks ago and i was starting on creamy soups but it was just so delicious. i couldn't stop. i saw a bag of chips and dipped it in the soup then i chewed it to mush and ate it! Then I moved on to a sandwhich with cheese! i didn't slime, vomit, or pbed. I FEEL SO GUILTY Does anyone know what damage I've done? I know we're supposed to be on liquids for three weeks to heal properly. I can't do the chew it up and spit it out because by the time I'm done chewing i've already swallowed it

i've gained 15-18lbs in the last 6 months. thx-a-lot loved ones for pointing that out to me and also for saying it IS noticeable :/

whoa i have been sooo busy! so many friends so little time! i've just been on the go from this party to the next it's crazy! i didn't realize i had so many friends! anyway i think it has finally come down. christmas was super fun spent the morning with the boys;jake and mario. then at night went out to a Vietnamese restaraunt with family and family friends. new years eve was a blast! spent it with gio at a friend's party so much fun! new years day was awesome as well spent it with gio and we went shopping. also spent it with jeri later in the day when gio went to work. her sister got married so that was good fun! i refused to catch the bouquet lol. hung out with peter and lots of other friends downtown the following day and now i'm just hanging out with mario trying on clothes lol (pic in bio profile since this thing won't let me post more than 5 pictures per entry..lame...) i have lots more pictures plus other days spent with other friends, but i really don't feel like making several blog entries so this is a highlight one. anyway i'm currently in the process of learning italian and trying to figure out how to lose the last 50lbs of my weight lol ttyl byee! p.s. jeri's bday is tomorrow! she'll be snowboarding in colorado. i should have gone with her! but i rather be in 80 degree weather not freezing snow weather eesh..eh next time! <3 Mal.