In 1995 (25 yrs old), I weighed 140-145. I thought I was huge. This is where my cycle dieting cycle/binge cycle started.
I am a emotional eater. I think I punish myself with food, I take revenge on other with food, I sedate with food, I relax with food, you name it and food fixes it for me.......
It all started with a horrible relationship in my 20's, to mom getting cancer, dying in a car wreck, meeting my biological mother, being outright rejected because I was "big girl" at 175. On and on, food has been a way to soothe and hurt myself. I know to be successful with the lapband I have to get control of this.
When I got married on May of 2003, I weighed about 170 and felt pretty good about myself. I thought I was headed in the right direction. But on my honeymoon, my husband and I got into a stupid fight and he called me a fat a55. I fell apart. It totally crushed me. I still have not forgiven him. I got on the binge express and did not stop til I weighed about 218. It took me about 2 years to gain 60 pounds. I just can not believe I did that to myself.
I was so depressed and mad at him.
So here we are today........ he is like my food watch dog. I think if he asks me one more what are you eating my head will explode!!! He means well. But my programming is all screwed up. When he asks, "are you suppose to eat that?", I want to smack him. It is very irrational.
He is very supportive and wants me to have this surgery. He does not want anyone to know. He is embarrassed about the I way look now. He did not want me to go to his company party this past Christmas because I did not look the way he wanted.
When it comes down to, I know I am more pissed off at myself than him. But I want to blame him.
I don't know what all this means for me.
All I know is physically, I get so hungry.
I am praying that I can make this work for me. I want to be successful. I want to feel pretty again.
This is my first blog........ don't really know what a blog is.......
Good night!
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