changes in relationships

[friendofbanded]

I looked on the forum but didn't find this topic really covered much. Just like my user name implies, a friend of mine had a lapband. It's been successful in the sense that she's lost weight. The downside is she's changed. I mean, her personality not just her body. On the physical side she has very little energy and can't even seem to do her job well anymore because she's so tired. She stopped doing any exercise once she got the band, she won't even go for a walk. She's also throwing up fairly often (1-3 times a week usually after a pasta meal). I know that's a normal part of figuring things out when you first get a band, but should it still be happening a year out? It makes me sad to hear her talk about it like it's normal. I'm uncomfortable discussing it. Would you think it was completely unreasonable to ask her not to tell me about her vomitting? I've come to accept that she's not going to stop doing what makes her vomit, and since she hasn't told most of her other friends I feel awkward knowing all I do but participating in hiding it from others. I'm trying to be supportive of her and respect that she doesn't want everyone to know, but at the same time it's really making me uncomfortable when the topic of discussion becomes how great her diet and exercise plan is and how healthy she's become.

She's also become very snappy. I know I would probably be a little cranky if my food intake was restricted, but at the same time I'm tired of being on the receiving end of her comments. I didn't make her get this surgery. At first I thought I was just being overly sensitive, but other people have noticed it too. I'm starting to wonder if her weight issue was more of a symptom of a larger problem and now that food is gone she's having trouble coping. She had no psych screening before the surgery and her only after surgery care is appointments for fills with her surgeon. Is this the routine? I would've thought some sort of psych help or support from other banded people would be beneficial.

Did any of you go through this after the surgery? I'm still holding out hope things can get better but that hope is fading....

[shiney42]

WOW That's heavy. Meaning in thought.. LOL... Just trying to break the ice...

OK I really don't think the vomiting is all that normal... do you mean BP'ing. Like is she throwing UP UP or BP'ing which means Burping her food back up cause it got stuck? See I don't throw my food up. I've gotten a few things caught where I';ve had to burp them up. I've also gotten a few things stuck where i just stopped eating get up & walked around the kitchen a few times so it went down... This does not happen much And it's NO good for it to happen, however it does happen... But if your friend is puking it's NOT good...

I also don't exercise. Never did...

I'm not shy in telling anyone that I'm band... I was fat an now I'm band cause I simply didn't want to be fat anymore. I would say she has some issues... But we all do...

[Smiley]

I was where your friend was earlier this year in regards to not having any energy. What my doctor discovered was that I was anemic and low in vitamins D and B12, all of which can cause one to be lethargic. You might be able to break the ice by addressing her lack of energy and just say that you have heard that some people have these problems after they have been banded for a while and suggest that she see her doctor for a full blood work up. Actually, there are a significant number of us on this forum that have had these deficiencies. There is a thread about it on here somewhere.

In regards to her throwing food up, Shiney42 is correct in saying that you need to determine if she is PB'ing or actually throwing up. I don't know how long she has been banded, but it has been 19 months for me and by now I have learned how to chew my food correctly. Occasionally I will get something stuck, but 1 to 3 times a week seems like a lot, unless it truely is just a pasta issue and in that case she needs to face the fact that pasta is one of her no no foods or figure out how to eat it without having a problem.

You might also ask if she is on any forums like this one and suggest it to her. Take it from the standpoint of her being able to help others based on the success she has had with the band. Then get on here and delete your post so that your friendship doesn't suffer should she come across this thread and recognize it as being you.

I want to commend you for being a great friend and for caring enough to seek out answers.

[friendofbanded]

OK I really don't think the vomiting is all that normal... do you mean BP'ing. Like is she throwing UP UP or BP'ing which means Burping her food back up cause it got stuck? See I don't throw my food up. I've gotten a few things caught where I';ve had to burp them up. I've also gotten a few things stuck where i just stopped eating get up & walked around the kitchen a few times so it went down... This does not happen much And it's NO good for it to happen, however it does happen... But if your friend is puking it's NOT good...

...

Thanks for the response. I guess not being banded, I don't really know the difference in PBing and puking. Basically she'll overdo it at a meal and then have to throw it all up within an hour. It's more than a burp to me. It also seems to come on VERY suddenly. Like if she doesn't run for the bathroom, she would be throwing up on the floor. It isn't usually at the beginning or during a meal, it's afterwards. She didn't make it to a bathroom on one occasion and another one of our friends asked if she was bulimic. It seems like it almost always after rich pasta dishes, which has always been her craving food.

[jhawkchick75]

I agree I commend you on being such a good friend! I think it is great that you have sought us out for advice. I feel like I have changed a lot, but not in the ways you are describing. I have changed in the fact that I now try to take all opportunities to get out there and enjoy life and experience new things. I have lost friends, but it has been because I have decided to focus on myself and realize that friendship is a two way street and I had many toxic people in my life that were dragging me down.

I agree she is getting sick way too much! After a fill it takes me a week or so to get re-adjusted to eating, but after that I work hard to not get sick. Now sometimes my band is finicky and I just can't help it, but if there are foods that I eat and every time I get sick on them then I just don't have them any more. For instance, there were these low fat pizza roll type things I used to eat but after my last fill they just weren't happening anymore so I had to kiss them goodbye. That might be her issue with pasta. Also, if she is lethargic all the time then it might be she isn't getting enough protein and veggies in. I fully admit i'm bad with my fruits and veggies so I am working on that and also starting to take juice plus as a suppliment. With the band we HAVE to focus on our nutrition sooo carefully.

My suggestion would be to take the "I care and am concerned" approach. Talk to her about being lethargic and you can just simply tell her you feel it is impacting her attitude too and that she just doesn't seem happy (nice way to tell her she is being a beeotch!).

I didn't have to have an eval before mine, but I agree that everyone should. I figure most all of us have severe emotional issues around food and those don't go away after surgery. For me, I didn't work out at first but about 4-5 months out I started and i'll tell you they say working out helps your energy and your overall attitude and it is true!! Working out makes all the difference in the world to me. So perhaps there is a nice way to encourage that. Not sure if you work out, but maybe you can invite her to go on a walk w/ you, take a class, etc...

Again, kudos for being such a good friend!

[Smiley]

Thanks for the response. I guess not being banded, I don't really know the difference in PBing and puking. Basically she'll overdo it at a meal and then have to throw it all up within an hour. It's more than a burp to me. It also seems to come on VERY suddenly. Like if she doesn't run for the bathroom, she would be throwing up on the floor. It isn't usually at the beginning or during a meal, it's afterwards. She didn't make it to a bathroom on one occasion and another one of our friends asked if she was bulimic. It seems like it almost always after rich pasta dishes, which has always been her craving food.

That sounds to me like she is probably eating too much. When something gets stuck it hurts. I equate it to trying to swallow a golf ball and only getting it to the middle of your chest. You might ask her if it hurts before she throws up or if it just happens to determine if she is PB'ing because something is stuck or if she is overeating. When something gets stuck you also tend to get a lot of saliva in your mouth as your body tries to remedy the situation. Even when I get something stuck and have to get rid of it I will wait until the last minute before I head to the bathroom as well because I want to be the one in control by not getting sick as opposed to letting the food rule for that moment - I am not stubborn, just determined.

[friendofbanded]

I was where your friend was earlier this year in regards to not having any energy. What my doctor discovered was that I was anemic and low in vitamins D and B12, all of which can cause one to be lethargic. You might be able to break the ice by addressing her lack of energy and just say that you have heard that some people have these problems after they have been banded for a while and suggest that she see her doctor for a full blood work up. Actually, there are a significant number of us on this forum that have had these deficiencies. There is a thread about it on here somewhere.

In regards to her throwing food up, Shiney42 is correct in saying that you need to determine if she is PB'ing or actually throwing up. I don't know how long she has been banded, but it has been 19 months for me and by now I have learned how to chew my food correctly. Occasionally I will get something stuck, but 1 to 3 times a week seems like a lot, unless it truely is just a pasta issue and in that case she needs to face the fact that pasta is one of her no no foods or figure out how to eat it without having a problem.

You might also ask if she is on any forums like this one and suggest it to her. Take it from the standpoint of her being able to help others based on the success she has had with the band. Then get on here and delete your post so that your friendship doesn't suffer should she come across this thread and recognize it as being you.

I want to commend you for being a great friend and for caring enough to seek out answers.

Thank you for the response also:) I have suggested these sites to her, but she has no interest. There is even a support group/follow up program in the area that I found for her, but she won't go to that either. It's like she wants to pretend she never had a lapband at all.

She's not anemic (had that workup at her yearly physical). Other than when you were defficient in vits, did you have the same energy levels as before you were banded? I'm not sure if it's the caloric restriction making her tired. Again, not being banded myself I don't know what's normal. I've dieted, but never to 900-1000 calories a day. I would imagine that would make someone tired at first, but then your body would adapt.

She does take vitamins, but other than that seems very unwilling to do anything to improve her health. I think that's part of why I am getting so frustrated with her. She's taken on a surgical alteration which you all obviously seem to know requires a HUGE lifestyle change but won't make the necessary changes to feel ok and won't even seek out information about what "normal" is after this procedure. She'll tell me all her problems but she won't call and ask her doctor if that's normal or what she should do in the meantime. It seems like she believes that as long as she's losing weight, nothing else matters. My mother had gastric bypass in the 90s and went through fewer problems. I never anticipated all this with my friend. I'm beginning to think her weight was never her real problem and it was just a symptom of greater psychological issues. Depression would certainly explain all her symptoms (weight problems, lethargy, inactivity, loss of interest in the world, impatience with others, snapping over little things). I'm tempted to broach that with her, but I keep telling myself this might be completely normal and explainable because of the lapband and I should stop being a mini Oprah/DrPhil .

[friendofbanded]

.

My suggestion would be to take the "I care and am concerned" approach. Talk to her about being lethargic and you can just simply tell her you feel it is impacting her attitude too and that she just doesn't seem happy (nice way to tell her she is being a beeotch!).

I'm not the most diplomatic person in the world, so I appreciate the suggestion She is being a beeatch sometimes and my only worry is that she can't seem to see it. She accused one of our friends of being jealous of her and toxic, when really IMO she was just tired of the beeatch behavior and wouldn't put up with it. She can't accuse me of being jealous since my weight has been under control for a few years (I could definitely relate to her weight struggles prior to that time!) but she's called me oversensitive before when I snapped back at her. Back then I was worried about losing the friendship so I didn't tell her how I felt about her behavior, but at this point I need to either deal with this issue or I'm not going to want to continue being her friend anyways.

[RestlessMonkey]

Sounds to me like she may be depressed, and I say this because she's not using her doc, support groups, etc to get better. She needs to go get a

thorough physical and be honest with her doc. AND she needs to go back to her banding surgeon and get some help. OR she may feel she's fine.

This will all be up to her; you can't help her. Sorry! All you can do is be her friend, refuse to be an enabler (lie for her...you don't have to blurt but also

if they say "why is miss X vomiting" you can say "ask her") and hope she gets the help she needs.

[JennHB]

I had the same symptoms as your friend, turns out my band was too tight and if she is PBing all the time that is probably why, she is probably starving herself. She should get it looked at. I got mine loosened just this past Saturday adn already my depression, low energy and everything else was almost cured after one good meal! I was sooo low all the time prior to this and as with your friend, the side effects became normal to me and I just figured thats what being banded was supposed to feel like. I was wrong. Maybe you can suggest she see her doctor to check on it.

[friendofbanded]

I had the same symptoms as your friend, turns out my band was too tight and if she is PBing all the time that is probably why, she is probably starving herself. She should get it looked at. I got mine loosened just this past Saturday adn already my depression, low energy and everything else was almost cured after one good meal! I was sooo low all the time prior to this and as with your friend, the side effects became normal to me and I just figured thats what being banded was supposed to feel like. I was wrong. Maybe you can suggest she see her doctor to check on it.

I will mention this to her. I think the only barrier will be her fear that she won't lose weight as fast if she does that but it sounds like what she's doing now can cause damage to her band so maybe that will be enough to get her to go.

[Smiley]

Thank you for the response also:) I have suggested these sites to her, but she has no interest. There is even a support group/follow up program in the area that I found for her, but she won't go to that either. It's like she wants to pretend she never had a lapband at all.

She's not anemic (had that workup at her yearly physical). Other than when you were defficient in vits, did you have the same energy levels as before you were banded? I'm not sure if it's the caloric restriction making her tired. Again, not being banded myself I don't know what's normal. I've dieted, but never to 900-1000 calories a day. I would imagine that would make someone tired at first, but then your body would adapt.

She does take vitamins, but other than that seems very unwilling to do anything to improve her health. I think that's part of why I am getting so frustrated with her. She's taken on a surgical alteration which you all obviously seem to know requires a HUGE lifestyle change but won't make the necessary changes to feel ok and won't even seek out information about what "normal" is after this procedure. She'll tell me all her problems but she won't call and ask her doctor if that's normal or what she should do in the meantime. It seems like she believes that as long as she's losing weight, nothing else matters. My mother had gastric bypass in the 90s and went through fewer problems. I never anticipated all this with my friend. I'm beginning to think her weight was never her real problem and it was just a symptom of greater psychological issues. Depression would certainly explain all her symptoms (weight problems, lethargy, inactivity, loss of interest in the world, impatience with others, snapping over little things). I'm tempted to broach that with her, but I keep telling myself this might be completely normal and explainable because of the lapband and I should stop being a mini Oprah/DrPhil .

May I ask where you all live?

Prior to my anemia and deficiencies I did have the same energy level as I did before the band, even though I wasn't taking vitamins - I had them in the house, I just wasn't very consistent.

This may be hard to do, but sometimes when all a person wants to do is complain you just have to look at them and say, because I care about you and consider you a great friend that I can't imagine not being a part of my life, I am happy to listen to you, but only if I know you are doing something to correct or resolve the situation. You see, if we are not a part of the solution, then we are a part of the problem, so if you are just going to complain and never try to make things better then I am going to have to ask you to find another source to complain to about these issues because I want to help by being a part of the solution to the issues, not a part of the problem.

Confused yet? I had to read it a couple of times to make sure it made sense. Basically, this is the concept of tough love. She may be mad for a little bit, but hopefully she will see the light and get it together.

[shiney42]

That sounds to me like she is probably eating too much.

Totally agree,