Losing weight

[magkai1]

Hi all,

This may sound weird, but have any of you felt a little scared when the weight starts coming off? I do. I almost feel like overeating to balance it out. I know some of you will say that I should seek therapy for this issue, and I probably should at some point, but I know that right now in my life it is not going to happen. I've been in therapy before, when I was in my early twenties, and I feel I have a good grip on "my stuff".

I've lost weight a few times before. I remember "developing" early, like around 12, and having grown men flirt with me. I put on some pounds and the attention went away. I lost weight in my late teens and was kind of pissed off that all of the men around me who had previously ignored me were suddenly coming on to me. It pissed me off at how shallow these men were.

My latest bout of weight gain follows the pregnancy and delivery of two healthy babies. And now the weight is now sloowly coming off. It does feel really good physically but I also find myself feeling....the only word I can put to it, is scared. Have you felt this way?

I'm hesitant about clicking "post" but I'm going to!

Thanks for reading this.

Margaret

[AngieB]

Margaret! Great post! Keep em coming. It makes me sad when I read or get a PM about people not wanting to post what is happening because they don't feel "safe" doing it. This board can be ruff on people sometimes. (I think any board can be though, we all have our own opinions!) That being said, oh my goodness yes! Girl you speak my language! I know what you mean when you say "I almost feel like overeating to balance it out. " I do that too, still.....and I am 6 months out. I find sometimes I justify my eating with thoughts like....."well I am eating WAY less than ever before, so it's okay if I eat this...." I will say that I have improved SO much and living with the band has taught me A LOT about myself, my emotions, my denial, ect. I knew I had "issues" with food, but the band has a way of making them stand out - GLARINGLY!

Therapy is good, and I get therapy in many ways. One is talking on here with all of you, I blog here to. It helps me get out what I want to.) I have a lot to say at times and it seems to be a good place for me to spout! I think the band in many ways is a therapy in and of its self. Okay...enough said about that....

When I lost 100 lbs 5 ish years ago, I was very suprised about how my men friends would embrase me differently. Almost sexually at times. Never before had they even hugged me. People wanted to set by me and OH so much more. That is when I realized how people treat fat chicks! (I am speaking for myself here.....I will always be a fat chick at heart. I understand fat and speak it fluently. LOL) Even before I had a weight problem I didn't treat or shun fat people. Many of my family are very large peeps. I think the largest is around 350's. Anyway, I know what you mean there too!

We transform inside and out when we loose weight. For me, I am the same person on the inside. My personality is the same and I am me. It's a process of a life time when you loose a good chunck.

I work on my self distructive tendencies all the time. So please don't feel like you are alone. Feel free to speak freely as you are among friends.

Hugs!

Angie

[magkai1]

Angie,

You are rad!

I have always appreciated your candor in posting and that appreciation just grew with your response to me here. Thank you!

I also feel as though the band is helping me confront some of my issues with weight. I can honestly say- "I am not hungry and yet I want to stuff my face anyway!?!?!?" 95% of the time I walk away from the kitchen and find something else to do. I believe that part of my overeating is habit and boredom.

I suspect there are others on this forum who can relate to this issue. I hope to hear from them, too.

Again, thank you Angie!

Margaret

[MyNewLife]

Margaret!

I think the best thing you did for yourself was the hit post, you just showed how much courage you have and sometimes I really struggle with that. I have ALWAYS been the fat girl, pretty face and hair ....It is a scary feeling, you body changes but for me I feel more alive than ever! The attention does come from people that never looked twice and honestly to me those people are very shallow, but on the other hand, If I did not like myself how could they. I dont take compliments very well, even from my husbad. I just not use to them. I have a WONDERFUL husband that is truely everything to me. I thank the ones for the compliments and go about my business. If it does get out of hand, I just tell them how proud my hubby is of me! lol.

I have had to really dig deep within myself and figure out why I let myself get to 262 lbs to begin with. I still struggle with this, but not as much. The weight is going to come off, I look it as layers of bad in my life that I am shredding, write it down, how you are feeling at that time. Go back form time to time and read your thoughts.

Food for alot of us it self medication, your mind is a very powerful thing. I ate to just to have something to do...SO weird but true! I think you are an amazing person and you will do great! Good Luck to you and keep us post. Anytime you need to hit post, please please do not talk yourself out of it, there are such wonderful people on this board who will help you!

Carrie

PS Angie - Great Post!

[jhawkchick75]

I can totally relate! I did Weight Watchers ohhh...about 6 times! And every time for some reason i'd hit about 20 lbs lost and would quit. I never knew why but now after some soul searching I really think it was because that was about the time folks would start to notice. I've never done well with compliments or attention from men, so that also contributed to it.

Now, this time around I did it a lot more for health reasons. Before I wasn't as heavy and was younger so I didn't really think about the health aspects of it, just the looks. So for me I have a little different focus this time. I still don't do well at all with the compliments but i'm working on that.

For me, my issue now is I have this fear that it is all a big dream and that i'm gonna wake up one morning right back where I was. I know that sounds stupid, but that is what I do. I had to get a partial unfill recently and so I can eat really anything I want which really scares me. Can't wait to get some of my fill back! Just taking it a day at a time.

Good luck and always know you can post whatever in here!!!

[MyNewLife]

Shelby I totally agree. It is a VERY scary thing about waking up and this will be all over. When I was sick before they found it was my GB I was SO SO scared it was my band and was SO excited that it was my GB...That sounds CRAZY!! Take the GB, need a lung...lol Just PLEASE PLEASE nothing with my band.

[ValleyGirl]

Wow! I could have written that myself....I've just never been able to put this battle in to words. In the past I have felt VERY vulnerable when I start to lose weight but because it has come off slower this time I think it has been easier. I always get to about 50 pounds lost and start to sabotage myself....then gain it all back and more. I wish I had more time to delve in to this topic right now but I don't so I thought I'd just pop in to say, "I hear ya".

Part of me has always wanted to be thin and attractive, but a stronger part rebels thinking "you (the world) should love me the way I am and if you don't screw you". As far as men being attracted, on one hand I like the attention and on the other hand it terrifies me. I also developed early and my first sexual experiences weren't what I would call sex abuse, but certainly "inappropriate" so no surprise that I would pack on the pounds to keep guys away but, at the same time, begrudge for staying away. I think if I can get my head in the right place, my body will follow. It's already starting to happen!

Sabrina:)

[magkai1]

You gals rule!

[ladyhart77]

Margaret,

I am SO glad you hit post too! I am betting by the end of the week that this thread will be very long!!!!

I too feel exactly the same way! You all sound the way I feel too!!! I was just banded last week and caught myself the other day for a split second thinking.. was this the right decision? Not because of hunger but because of being scared as hell of the weight dropping. Realizing that this is really gonna be it.. I am gonna lose it this time and not just be able to quit the diet and put the weight back on because of some BS excuse.

It can be very scary... worryng how I will handle the compliments and even the come ons. I think many of us ended up being overweight because of emotional issues and food being our comfort or something to keep the boredom away. I agree with Angie, this board is such a great place to find people who can relate and understand!!! None of us are alone in this battle and we can win it!!! This is just another reason I am so grateful to have found so many great peeps here!!!

Thanks for posting what so many of us are probably feeling!!!!! Keep your chin up!

[nothereanymore]

It’s very scary, it can change who you are and you have to be very careful. I work hard to make sure I kept the real me and don’t lose what I liked about being a big girl, you look at people for who they are on the inside, not on the outside.

The guy stuff, I sometimes have a hard time seeing it since I’m still not use to it – but as I get in better shape they seem to get bolder. It’s hard, and can make you feel as bad as it can make you feel good. I always think, would they have liked me as a big girl, and the answer is always no. It really makes me appreciate those who loved me as a big girl, and now as a thin one. What I’m having trouble with is the people who don’t like me now that I’m thinner – I’m now competition or something – before I was the safe “fat” girl. But it’s hard, I still think I’m ugly and fat most of the time – and it shocks me when someone is spending time trying to get my attention. I just looked at them like – what the hell is your issue?? And I’m very open about telling people that I lost 145 pounds, my favorite comeback was “what did you do with all of your extra skin” – I told him it was in a land fill somewhere….. He ran off….

[magkai1]

I'm really enjoying reading all of these posts. Perhaps we can all keep in touch when we are doubting ourselves or had to deal with an uncomfortable situation.

Lisa, I LOVE your landfill reply!!!

[Smiley]

I was kind of scared because of the attention factor as well. Not only had attention like this never been paid to me before, but I was scared to have it given to me for a couple of reasons. In the last month I have decided to step out of my box and just go with it. I must say, I had a very unexpected ending to a day at the library on Thursday and I am grateful that I decided to step out my box and go for it. Two months ago, I would have had the guy run off before he could have ever thought to borrow paper from me, much less ask me out for coffee. And now we have spent over 6 hours together in one day, I have relocated his hand a couple of times and we have each others phone numbers with the intent to talk and possibly see each other later this week because in the end I believe he really is a nice guy and wants to respect my wishes, even if I have to remind him of them periodically. Hindsight being 20/20, I am proud of myself for not running when he said I was beautiful and he was attracted to me and I am proud of him that he didn't run when he found out I was 3-4 years older than him. At this point he does not know about the band, the weightloss, or my plastic surgery and I am not sure when or how he will find out.

Counseling is a good option as I have been there myself about 8 years ago. When you are ready, for less expensive options, you might check with local churches or universities with master's level counseling programs. Churches often will accept a donation or have a sliding scale fee if they even charge at all. Universities have a practicuum program and need clients for their students. All of this is done under the supervision of the professor's who are licensed counselors. I know this because I was once working on my master's in counseling. When I say I have been there myself, it was not only as a counselor, but also as a counselee.

Shelby - I still look in the mirror almost every morning to make sure I look like I did when I went to bed the night before and while doing it I feel for my port to make sure it is there. So far so good!

[thesuse]

Hi Margaret - this is indeed a great conversation you've started!

I have definitely struggled with this issue myself, and it's always good for me to be reminded of it - keep it conscious, rather than let me sabotage myself unconsciously.

As a child I experienced emotional and some physical abuse, and for me weight has served a lot of purposes emotionally. It helps me feel "big and strong" and invulnerable. And, as Lisa mentioned, pretty thin women are more of a threat, and can therefore not be as well liked. This also scares me. I'm more comfortable being the nice, non-threatening fat girl. I don't want to compete, I'm more comfortable on the sidelines. Except that means I don't get, so it's a problem...

So while on the one hand most of the time I yearn for being the pretty girl who can wear fashionable clothes, and get more attention, there's another big part that finds that terrifying on many levels.

Some things that help me a bit... In terms of the protection I feel by being big - I try to focus more on actual physical strength. I need to work out more actually, and this is a good reminder of that, but I try to focus on the fact that I'm actually physically stronger and more able the thinner I am. As far as all the other stuff goes, all I can do it try to stay conscious of it - keep aware of my fears, so when I feel a strong drive to eat, I can stop and look at what is really driving the behavior. Now that I'm in my 40s I think I also have a bit more confidence to assert my needs and like myself even if others don't - so that helps a great deal too.

And of course the desire for food as comfort and reward is also huge and complicated - there are so many facets to the obesity battle. It's great that you're thinking about this stuff. Staying conscious is the best thing you can do.

-Susan

[magkai1]

I'm so enjoying reading people's posts and different angles on this topic. There are so many facets and so many things to think about.

I just thought of one thing that is so lame, so bad, but why not share now after I've gone this far? My husband and I have been together for 14 years and he has never, ever, ever said one thing about my weight struggle. Nor has he ever given me "a look" or a comment about it. Believe me, I appreciate this as I grew up with a father who said things all of the time and gave me looks and stuff about his displeasure with my weight.

But just now I had this awful thought: is my husband insecure, so that is why he's been with an up and down in weight wife without complaint? Or perhaps he's super secure. I don't know. I do know that if he were the one that has weight issues up and down, it would affect me. But then again this weight crap is my big life issue.

I suppose that fat or thin, weight will ALWAYS be my issue, huh?