CalKev Posted March 14, 2007 Report Share Posted March 14, 2007 Hello All! Well I am going to blame Greg for this (I'll use his term) "rant" on what appears to be a taboo subject on the board. The last time I was at OCC I stood in the lobby with Pre, Active, and Post plastic surgery Bandsters talking band talk. You know all the stuff talked about here on the board. One subject came up that appeared specific to Bandsters close to their goal weight and those who had reached it. The premise was how relationships can change with weight loss in a bandsters inner circle of friends, family, and spouses. I heard many views on how spouses had reacted to those who were particularly obese losing large amounts of weight. Words that came up were spousal support and sabotage, divorce, separation, insecurity, embraced change, increased attention and decreased attention. I know this is a tough one and may be best addressed in a professional office setting i.e. Therapist office. There does seem to be a lack of open board communication and support on this subject even though it can be a valid part of the weight loss journey for many. The loss of a spouse could be tough for some and as I witnessed a welcome change for others. The remarkable issue was that the notion that banding and weight loss would shape spousal relations only dawned on some after they had become part of the process. This is easy to do it but it could be a tough wake-up call. So to just put it out there if you think your relationship is a candidate for this type of spousal response you may want to educate yourself on how to respond before your weight loss success turns the corner to the single life. Yes I have spoken with one person that broke the camels back in this manner. As you noticed I have not reflected on my own spousal relationship and I am thankful that I don't need to. I mention this only to acknowledge those looking for support and to throw this subject into the Bandster ring to kick around. I started by blaming Greg for this "rant" and it was for the simple reason that he reminded me this is a support board and it offers the rare opportunity to relate with our peers for which we should all be thankful. Viva La Band! Kevin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cyndiwilson Posted March 14, 2007 Report Share Posted March 14, 2007 Well said Kevin ----you are such a inspiration on this board-----I have had lots of comments from friends and family and clients of my husband....which in turn I can't tell if that has hit a sore spot- but the talk of leaving him did get mentioned by him not ME- I advised that I am doing this not to leave him but be with him for the rest of our lives...see the kids grow up -----and so on ---he is know pursuing the kourney of being banded also - my insurance covers it witht eh normal hoops to jump through at 5K or I advised go see Dr. Ortiz it is in his hands now - but as far as I am concerned this surgery has made Daron and I closer in our relationship the 26ht of this month it will be 11 years - and honestly I can't imagine starting over.......best wishes everyone Cyndi P.S. this Friday is 5 monthes out Kevin --- I am down 55lbs woo hoo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stacy16 Posted March 15, 2007 Report Share Posted March 15, 2007 My girlfriend has said that when I lose my weight I will probably leave her. We have been together over 11 years and I told her I would have left her way before this if I was going to all. People just assume crazy things. I am not banded as of yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GregNE Posted March 15, 2007 Report Share Posted March 15, 2007 I do not have a spouse or girlfriend (translation---- I'm available! Hook me up!), so cannot offer much insight here. But Kevin, thanks for joining me in pushing the envelope with deeper discussions. We can all cope better with weight loss related issues if we actually are willing to discuss them. And great post title! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clynn Posted March 15, 2007 Report Share Posted March 15, 2007 I took the preemptive step and dumped my bf at the very beginning of this process rather than have to deal with this subject later but seriously . . . I have heard an addiction doctor say that when one person in a relationship goes into rehab for drugs or alcohol, that person grows and changes. That can cause the relationship to either be torn apart or the other person will (subconsciously) draw the patient back into their old life. It's a key and a lock type of situation. Two people have built their lives around each other and their habits both positive and negative so when one goes through a drastic change it can cause insecurity in the relationship. I think the same theme can apply here though perhaps not as severely. The answer to the above scenario is to have both people in the relationship go through some type of rehab so that both people grow and change. Perhaps our significant others can endeavor to loose weight with us or go on some other personal growth type of journey if weight is not an issue for them? Just a thought from a single bandster so take it for what it's worth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandflea Posted March 18, 2007 Report Share Posted March 18, 2007 I actually am happy I found this thread. When I first told my husband I was having the surgery he really didn't say much. A few days later, he was awfully clingy. I asked him what was up. We had a long talk. He had concerns that I would leave him when I was thin and that I would not be attracted to him. I explained that he should know me better than that and I am doing this for health reasons not vanity. I know he is still concerned, but I am convinced it will take some work on my part to keep him close and involve him in this process. I know he will enjoy my being thinner again and more active. I think it might encourage him to make a more conscious effort to keep me too! This is kinda funny.....When I told everyone at work about this. One of my really good friends, who is a guy, came up to me and said. Ya know, I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and there was a show about how when women lost weight they became permiscuous, partiers, cheated on their husbands and went basically guy crazy. Is that going to happen to you? I laughed hysterically and said, I'm not having a brain transplant! He and I are drinking buddies after work and his other question was if I would still be able to drink. I said yes, probably not big marguritas though, just tequila shots! It amazes me what people think about when you tell them you are having this surgery done. I am not going to turn into a Barbie. I just want to fit in one airline chair and not get winded walking 3 blocks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigDaddy Posted March 18, 2007 Report Share Posted March 18, 2007 Just like winning a lottery or getting an inheretance will not FIX a relationship, neither will losing weight. If you are in a happy committed relationship you know it takes work. You can never take your hands off the wheel when driving the relationship car, as soon as you do you will end up in a ditch. As you lose weight, you will get comments, looks and probably eventually some tempting offers. Make sure you are mentally ready for the attention. Start now if your not doing it already, "courting" your spouse. MAke them feel loved and let them know you need to feel loved as well. It can actually be quite fun and makes you look forward to "date nite" Personally I am looking forward to my wife being able to put her arms around me again, Currently my gut is still in the way but I have given it an eviction notice, Hit the road jack. I am doing this for me first, I am doing this for her and my kids so we can have a long happy life. I would be nuts to leave her, she has stuck with me thru thick and thin (literally) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalKev Posted March 19, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 Well said Kevin ----you are such a inspiration on this board-----I have had lots of comments from friends and family and clients of my husband....which in turn I can't tell if that has hit a sore spot- but the talk of leaving him did get mentioned by him not ME- I advised that I am doing this not to leave him but be with him for the rest of our lives...see the kids grow up -----and so on ---he is know pursuing the kourney of being banded also - my insurance covers it witht eh normal hoops to jump through at 5K or I advised go see Dr. Ortiz it is in his hands now - but as far as I am concerned this surgery has made Daron and I closer in our relationship the 26ht of this month it will be 11 years - and honestly I can't imagine starting over.......best wishes everyone Cyndi P.S. this Friday is 5 monthes out Kevin --- I am down 55lbs woo hoo Cyndi, Congratulations! - So glad you are doing so well! It sounds like your motivation to live a longer healthier life has rubbed off. That is about the biggest compliment one can have being banded outside the personal achievement. I keep in touch with the sisters who were banded on our Band Day (very close to a re-birthday), and they are both doing well. Slower progress than you and I but progress none the less. Let's keep on losing! Viva La Band! Kevin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalKev Posted March 19, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 Hello All! Wow this is some really good insight in this thread. All the views are just a little different but each one has great points. When I first started to investigate my own reasons for being obese the one realization I confronted was like the alcoholic, drug addict, even the shopoholic, I had to say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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