Family Drama

[stormy]

For about 7 years now my sister has been taking care of my mother. Well sorta -My mom gets $1260.00 a month SSD/SSI benefits. But she never has any money. My sister has been using the money to pay her bills. Recently my sister has been calling me to tell me that my mom is out of her medication and that she would like me to pay for it. I want to help my mom so of course I will help. But I have to put in my two cents. Where is the money that she gets every month? Recently my sister called me again to ask me for the money for her pills. I again brought up where is the money and she threw it in my face that "I was selfish because all I care about is my Mexico trip, I dont care about my mother" I am so depressed. I am taking out two loans for this trip and I am going to be strapped. No more am I going to be able to just jump up and buy my mothers medication. Her meds are $166.00 per week. My mother lives in a trailer in my sister yard, no water, no sewer. What is she using the $1260.00 on, I think it should be for her meds and her care. But all I see is my sister taking it and using it for her debt. Should I feel guilty for living my life? I do owe my mother I think about $2500.00 so that is why I dont care about the money that I have spent, but this is stupid. I sometimes feel like in order to have a normal life, I need to get away from them. Hense maybe where the weight gain came from. I have done really well, financially I am stable. I am working on my weight issue and I feel like I have a semi normal life, except when it comes to them. Now here they are, invading my life once again to tell me how selfish I am. Ok maybe I am, I have worked hard to get this planned and I really have to not care. I am doing this for me and my family. My husband and my son. My sister is very heavy and I am sorry that she has this problem. I'm sorry I just needed to vent. Did anyone in their family make them feel guilty for doing this? For taking care of themselves?

[Kittycat]

I am sorry to hear that you have to deal with such heartache.

If you Mom requires such care, would she be willing to go into an adult care facility. The monthly payment she receives should be more than enough to pay for it and her medication too. I can't even imagine your poor Mom living in a trailer on someone else's property without water or sewer.

I think when you return from the OCC, you may want to have a family meeting to discuss new accomodations for your Mom.

I wish you luck, it's a very difficult situation.

[Will T]

Stormy, my father in law died in a house fire on June 2. My sister in law separated from her husband and moved in to "take care of him". He was in poor health, and began to use his funds to improve her life style (expensive cell phone plans, new car, insurance, laptop, credit card bills, etc) to the tune of $20K since September through the end of May.

No. You should NOT feel the least bit of guilt. You established a LOAN to pay for your life-change. You are PERFECTLY within your rights as a daughter and sister to ask for an accountability of your mother's assets, including copies of bank statements and any credit activity. You can start with "Let me sit with you and look at the bank statements, because according to my calculations, there should be enough there for mom's medicine and more. Show me where I'm mistaken."

Also, if there is another plea for money, it should be understood that both of you (you and your sister) should be contributing to the account for that purpose. If you provide $100, then she should also.

But my opinion is that YOU are entitled to do things for YOU. You aren't WASTING your money, you are addressing HEALTH issues BEFORE they get out of control. For that, you should be commended. Secondly, a sister should not be telling you what to do with your money. It seems from what you've written that you haven't been discussing HER finances with her.

In our situation, there has been tension caused because of all the wasted money of my father in law. $20K over 9 months is painful to look at. Because the sisters did NOT begin this process while the father was still with us, there is little that can be done at this point short of establishing poor familial relations that would destroy a once-close family.

I suggest you attack the problem at the source. Exercise your right to examine the finances of your mom, and do so with your sister present for her to explain where the mom's funds are going (and have gone). And DON'T let your sister run the guilt gauntlet around you.

Good luck,

Bill

[stormy]

Stormy, my father in law died in a house fire on June 2. My sister in law separated from her husband and moved in to "take care of him". He was in poor health, and began to use his funds to improve her life style (expensive cell phone plans, new car, insurance, laptop, credit card bills, etc) to the tune of $20K since September through the end of May.

No. You should NOT feel the least bit of guilt. You established a LOAN to pay for your life-change. You are PERFECTLY within your rights as a daughter and sister to ask for an accountability of your mother's assets, including copies of bank statements and any credit activity. You can start with "Let me sit with you and look at the bank statements, because according to my calculations, there should be enough there for mom's medicine and more. Show me where I'm mistaken."

Also, if there is another plea for money, it should be understood that both of you (you and your sister) should be contributing to the account for that purpose. If you provide $100, then she should also.

But my opinion is that YOU are entitled to do things for YOU. You aren't WASTING your money, you are addressing HEALTH issues BEFORE they get out of control. For that, you should be commended. Secondly, a sister should not be telling you what to do with your money. It seems from what you've written that you haven't been discussing HER finances with her.

In our situation, there has been tension caused because of all the wasted money of my father in law. $20K over 9 months is painful to look at. Because the sisters did NOT begin this process while the father was still with us, there is little that can be done at this point short of establishing poor familial relations that would destroy a once-close family.

I suggest you attack the problem at the source. Exercise your right to examine the finances of your mom, and do so with your sister present for her to explain where the mom's funds are going (and have gone). And DON'T let your sister run the guilt gauntlet around you.

Good luck,

Bill

Thank you so much. I have mentioned to her that I want to know where the money is going and she said she could provide me with how much is costs her to support her monthly. My mom moved there with a retirement account and soc security and now the retirement account is gone. All her belongings are gone. There is nothing to show where any of that money went, except on my sister debt. My sister can not handle money, honestly I couldnt eather until I met my husband, he has taught me about savings and how important it is. I told my mother, although she may not understand, since she is bi-polar. That if I dont get some type of accounting soon and if her medication is not taken care of monthly, that I will be forced to either contact Soc sec to tell them that she is not benefiting from it or get an attorney and fight to take her off as the authorized rep for mom. My mom, with what she gets could be living in a nice place, where people could care for her. I could let her move in here, but her and hubby wont get along and honestly, I dont need another child. She has some type of condition that makes her act like a child and tell stories. I dont know what that is. I am no longer talking to my sister about the trip to Mexico because I dont want to hear it. We are going and I dont care what she says. Thanks again for responding.

[Will T]

Storms, you might also want to contact your local Council for the Aging, or similar entity in Portland. They can advise you on your legal rights and might give you other ideas based on the laws of your area.

Time shifts are tragic for older adults. My grandmother began that in her final years also. She began to tell us things our family had never heard before, about events from her early teens about her life, and surprisingly they ended up being true, as far as we can tell. She ACCURATELY told us the score of the homecoming football game from 1925, and what happened in the game (this was in 1997).

Do contact one of the agencies that deal with the elderly. They have seen what you're experiencing, and can tell you the smartest ways to address it. Keep me informed.

Bill

[stormy]

Storms, you might also want to contact your local Council for the Aging, or similar entity in Portland. They can advise you on your legal rights and might give you other ideas based on the laws of your area.

Time shifts are tragic for older adults. My grandmother began that in her final years also. She began to tell us things our family had never heard before, about events from her early teens about her life, and surprisingly they ended up being true, as far as we can tell. She ACCURATELY told us the score of the homecoming football game from 1925, and what happened in the game (this was in 1997).

Do contact one of the agencies that deal with the elderly. They have seen what you're experiencing, and can tell you the smartest ways to address it. Keep me informed.

Bill

ok thanks again for the info

[bubs]

For about 7 years now my sister has been taking care of my mother. Well sorta -My mom gets $1260.00 a month SSD/SSI benefits. But she never has any money. My sister has been using the money to pay her bills. Recently my sister has been calling me to tell me that my mom is out of her medication and that she would like me to pay for it. I want to help my mom so of course I will help. But I have to put in my two cents. Where is the money that she gets every month? Recently my sister called me again to ask me for the money for her pills. I again brought up where is the money and she threw it in my face that "I was selfish because all I care about is my Mexico trip, I dont care about my mother" I am so depressed. I am taking out two loans for this trip and I am going to be strapped. No more am I going to be able to just jump up and buy my mothers medication. Her meds are $166.00 per week. My mother lives in a trailer in my sister yard, no water, no sewer. What is she using the $1260.00 on, I think it should be for her meds and her care. But all I see is my sister taking it and using it for her debt. Should I feel guilty for living my life? I do owe my mother I think about $2500.00 so that is why I dont care about the money that I have spent, but this is stupid. I sometimes feel like in order to have a normal life, I need to get away from them. Hense maybe where the weight gain came from. I have done really well, financially I am stable. I am working on my weight issue and I feel like I have a semi normal life, except when it comes to them. Now here they are, invading my life once again to tell me how selfish I am. Ok maybe I am, I have worked hard to get this planned and I really have to not care. I am doing this for me and my family. My husband and my son. My sister is very heavy and I am sorry that she has this problem. I'm sorry I just needed to vent. Did anyone in their family make them feel guilty for doing this? For taking care of themselves?

Does your mom have part D medicare? If she doesn't she should. That should pay for a lot of her medications. Also a lot of drug companies have plans where she can get it for free if she qualifies. Check at the nearest senior center or the front of the phonebook for elder help numbers to get your mom the help she needs.

Just remember you have to take care of yourself to help your mom. You are no good to anyone if you don't.

Pam

[julieburns]

Do not allow your sister to try and sabatoge your plan, or thoughts about what you are doing for your health and life. Remember you have a child who does not want mommy and/or daddy to not see them graduate or get married.

I do encourage you to be your mothers advocate. You may be the only one who see's this outright cruelty and she needs you. She is a victim of your sisters inability to care for her as she need to be cared for. Think about it, no sewer, no water, that's less then prisoners have!! And to possibly not have necessary medication for her health issues!! We are in the USA and this does happen all too often but thank goodness for your mothers sake she has someone, you, who can stand up and make a difference in her quality of life. You've got to do this Kim, you'll never forgive yourself if you don't stand up to your sister and get your mom into a healthy living situation.

[Paula Bee]

My 72 year old mom just lost her home to bankruptsy, (elder loan prey) and moved in with my brother. She gets about the same amount as your mom. Her prescriptions are appx. the same as your mom's. All but 3 are generic, but those three cost a bunch. My sister contacted the Dr.'s office, got paperwork for free or reduced medication from the corporations that make the drugs. Now she gets all three of those meds for free.

You should have a lawyer draw up papers for you to be her power of attorney, go to her, with a witness, have her sign the paperwork, then switch her SS to come to you. You can buy her meds for her, give some "rent" money to your sister, and use the rest for your mom's clothes, hair, and other things that will boost her morale.

You are right; there are other places that will care for your mom. Her housing sounds unacceptable. I would follow Will's advice.

Praying for you both

[Dontondan]

Another suggestion would be to get your mother a third party payee, which would be responsible for taking care of her bills, money, etc. It would take it totally out of your sister's hands and there would be a full accounting of where the money was going. Also there is lots of help through the drug manufacturers to help out those in need to get the medications that are necessary but expensive. Her Dr. can help with that. Just hang in there and don't feel guilty about what you have done to improve your life. Your sister is just bitter. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to get healthy.

[Kimmy in MD]

Social Security Admin will be good to work with. The type of account we are discussing sounds like a "representative payee" and the person acting as the representative must keep a paper trail showing how the money was spent.

Social Security can ask/require the individual to provide documentation at any time. See this all the time as I work in financial institution. Typically the rep payee shows up paniced because they have no records and have spent all the money.

[stormy]

Social Security Admin will be good to work with. The type of account we are discussing sounds like a "representative payee" and the person acting as the representative must keep a paper trail showing how the money was spent.

Social Security can ask/require the individual to provide documentation at any time. See this all the time as I work in financial institution. Typically the rep payee shows up paniced because they have no records and have spent all the money.

She said something about that, but I dont know how often they ask about where the money goes. I dont want mom to lose her soc sec, I just want it to go to the right place "her". I know what my sister is doing and it drives me crazy. She will be calling me next week to buy moms meds again and I am flat broke, everything I have in savings is for the trip next month, I can't tell her that or she will want it. It is non of her business. I just feel bad for mom, cause I can't continue to help her.

[julieburns]

She said something about that, but I dont know how often they ask about where the money goes. I dont want mom to lose her soc sec, I just want it to go to the right place "her". I know what my sister is doing and it drives me crazy. She will be calling me next week to buy moms meds again and I am flat broke, everything I have in savings is for the trip next month, I can't tell her that or she will want it. It is non of her business. I just feel bad for mom, cause I can't continue to help her.

But Stormy yes you can help her. It may not be by giving your sister money though. You need to contact any of the suggested places to be an advocate for your mom. She will NOT lose the social security that is entitled to her. Your sister may lose her ability to squander it though on her own needs. Again I urge you to be your mom's advocate as it's obvious she needs you to do this for her health and welfare. Especially when you describe her mental condition as you did she may not even realize what she is missing!! Out of the numerous suggestions on this board I am sure there is some way to do it anonymously if you fear repercussion from your sister. Truly you will regret this later in life if you don't stand up and do something asap. It may take several months for things to be investigated so start now. Make just one phone call today for your mothers sake.

[Kimmy in MD]

Stormy go to the social security admin website, just google it and they have a booklet in pdf form you can download and print. It will answer all your questions and Julie is right, it won't make your mom lose her ss money. It may require that you step up as representative payee on your mom's behalf.

[GirlBarb]

Wow you have gotten some really good advice, the quality of people on this forum is excellent. That said, I would like to let you know that she may be jealous that you are spending money on doing somthing for yourself that she can't afford due to her poor spneding habits. I have heard other say that they didn't share with family because of that reason. Some people don't get the dangers of being overweight and look at this surgery like "plastic surgery" instead of a serious major operation to prevent so many illnesses in the future.

So sorry that you are having to go through this now...why does everything seem to happen at once?

[stormy]

I called Senior and Disabled Services, protective service hotline to report this. All they did was call my mom and ask her if she was ok. I was so angry. This was about a year ago. She told them she is fine and it is all a misunderstanding. They didn't even go out there. I need to find an agency that will go there to assist her with getting out of that trailer. At least for the day. She sits there and does nothing. Now she is going to end up being a baby sitter because my neice moved in there with her kids. If she can't take care of herself, she cant take care of kids. I am going to follow your advise and get on the soc sec site and check out my options. Thanks again everyone. I dont know what I would do without such great people like you guys.

[tlag]

I work in a doctors office and everybody is right. There are programs to help people with their medications. There are even some programs that will do all the paperwork and everything. You can contact the hospital, your moms doctor or the SRS.

I wish you the very best. Do not feel guilty. You are doing the band to prolong your life so you can be there for others. If your sister does not see that or understand that, then she is the selfish one.

[snowbird]

Stormy, I'm wondering why your mother's medications cost so much when she is on SSI. Does she have Medicaid? Has she applied for it? In Washington state, you automatically apply for medicaid when you get SSI, but I don't remember how it goes in Oregon. Anyway, Medicaid should be covering the cost of her medications.

Talk to someone at Social Security, as the others have told you. If you are willing to take on the responsibility, you should check out being your mother's representative payee. You will need to know your mother's doctor's name, as Social Security will need to get the doctor's statement that your mother needs help handling her money. Also, talk this over with your mother too. She may be afraid to complain about your sister because she is so dependent on her.

This isn't going to be easy because your sister will not be happy about it. You need to be ready to find your mother another place to live, because your sister may not want her there if she isn't making money off her.

However, keeping track of your mother's money is easy; just pay all bills with an ATM card so you can track expenditures through the ATM transactions. Social Security just asks generally how much you spent on her necessary living expenses like food, clothing, and shelter expenses, and then what else you spent the money on. Generally, if someone is on SSI their income is so low that everything goes towards the necessary living expenses.

It sounds to me like your sister is trying to emotionally manipulate you, trying to make you feel guilty so you give her money. Don't let her do it.

[stormy]

Mom said you depecote went generic so it wont be costing her as much anymore. I found out that my sister attempted to rent a wide screen TV in moms name, so when she called to ask for more money, I threw that in her face and told her if she can afford to rent a tv, she can afford to pay her her meds. I also found out my sisters boyfriend has a warrent out for his arrest. So I warned her about this also. I dont think she will be calling me for a while. She is not happy. Meanwhile, I attempted to talk to mom everyday and let her know that she has options and she does not have to stay there and tolorate this non sense. She wants to stay so I will just wait and see what happens. Thank you everyone for your support.

[LADONNA]

ok thanks again for the info

Hi,

You really need to sit down and discuss the details of your moms financial situation. SSI should be cover all but a few dollars of your moms medications. If isn't then you need to find out why. There are many different programs thru Social Security...including a program called "extra help". This covers any co-pays for medical treatment or co-pays for medications. Perhaps your sister just doesn't know that these programs exist. You can find all kinds of information at www.medicare.gov Good luck to you and stop feel guilty!

[CindyLou]

I know it would be hard, but you can also report the situation to Eder Protective Services. Your mother is a victim of elder abuse at the hands of your sister. She is abusing her financially and not providing her with an acceptable place to live!

I am sorry you are going through this.

Cindy