Vix

[julieburns]

So we all have been wondering how yesterday went. I know you may still be going through the drama surrounding you having surgery but just wanted you to know I care. Hope you are able to post soon so we know you are doing ok

[vix]

Hi Julie,

I just came on to give an update actually and thank you for writing. I didn't tell him last night...I was too scared. Waited all day to tell him...the day was going so well all day...he even got me flowers. But, about an hour and 1/2 ago I told him and it didn't go well at all. I've been crying ever since and am not doing well right now. He is absolutely apalled that I would go to Mexico and thinks that everything I've read and everyone I've talked to is all a scam to get me to go to Mexico so they can steal my money and leave me injured or dead. He said that he feels betrayed because I went behind his back and made all the plans and that I made a big decision without including him and basically that he can't believe I would be the type of person to do this. I told him it wasn't about him...it was about me...but he is absolutely livid with me...and I'm just crying my eyes out...so I won't be on probably for a while until I can fix all of this. I'm beyond sick right now.

Thanks everyone for being so kind and for understanding.

Vix

[Phoenix]

Vix, deep breath. And another. And a third.

What you just got was manipulation. You asked for support and you got a mental beat down.

"How dare you do your own homework?"

"How can you make decisions about your body without my say so?"

"How can you tell me what you want without my imput?"

He got mad?

I have great big, red flags waving all over the place.

[iamworthit]

Hi Julie,

I just came on to give an update actually and thank you for writing. I didn't tell him last night...I was too scared. Waited all day to tell him...the day was going so well all day...he even got me flowers. But, about an hour and 1/2 ago I told him and it didn't go well at all. I've been crying ever since and am not doing well right now. He is absolutely apalled that I would go to Mexico and thinks that everything I've read and everyone I've talked to is all a scam to get me to go to Mexico so they can steal my money and leave me injured or dead. He said that he feels betrayed because I went behind his back and made all the plans and that I made a big decision without including him and basically that he can't believe I would be the type of person to do this. I told him it wasn't about him...it was about me...but he is absolutely livid with me...and I'm just crying my eyes out...so I won't be on probably for a while until I can fix all of this. I'm beyond sick right now.

Thanks everyone for being so kind and for understanding.

Vix

I am sorry it was so horrible for you. I didn't have my surgery at OCC. I had mine at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN., as my insurance covered it there. I was wondering... If your husband is not comfortable with you going out of the country for your surgery, have you checked your options in the states; specifically what are your options with insurance coverage? My husband was not thrilled either when I started my program and it took the entire 6 month pre-diet portion to get him on board. I had my surgery on 07/01 and I can say he has been SO SUPPORTIVE since I have had my surgery. The funny part is when I had it and I was so emotionally drained the first week (I cried a lot the first week), he got on THIS SITE and looked up all kinds of positive information that everyone has shared.

Moral of the story... Don't give up yet, Vix. Husbands are tough some times, but I suspect he will come around. Maybe you can try and educate him and if nothing else find out what specifically he is uncomfortable with. If it is purely the leaving the states part of the surgery, get it in your home state. If it is the fact that it is surgery, educate him with regards to what it entails. If it is the money, find out if your insurance will cover it. If your insurance doesn't cover it, get different insurance. Do whatever it takes, but do what is right for you. I am typically a very passive wife but when it came to this, I put my foot down. He knew I was doing it come he// or high water and by the day of surgery was on board.

The night before my surgery my husband confessed to me that one of his fears is that I will lose the weight and then leave him. That was the silliest thing I had ever heard considering I weighed 130 lbs when I met him. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and that won't change. Maybe you need to encourage your husband with that as well. That could be why he is feeling the way he is...

I will continue to pray for you.

Hang in there, kiddo!

[julieburns]

Oh Vix, I am sorry but you knew he would blow a rod. You can't "fix"this. I don't mean to say mean things because I am sure he loves and cares for you well being but it sound so much like a control issue. If he would open up to being educated, perhaps talking to Dr. O then my suspicions would go down about the control thing. Try to address the issues he has and then see.

Hugs and love to you sweetie, hang in there.

[Phoenix]

--The guy who goes on the offense when there is need for neither offense, nor defense is in very simple terms a control freak.

Not just of himself, but everything he considers in his world. That means he thinks his control extends to Vix.

Big, red flags.

Let him know he violated the word "honor" in "Love, honor and cherish." Absolutely NO RESPECT there.

Respect yourself first.

I'm not kidding for a second. Lap band or no lap band, respect yourself first.

[FRANCIE]

OMG Vix, HANG IN THERE!! It's a shock to him at first but time really does heal all wounds. Someone on this forum suggested your husband get on here and read everything. I had my husband research it online and the OCC was the best choice for me. I'm having my band done Aug 18th and he is being really great about it. I feel so bad for you, but the worst is behind you and we are all here for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Kittycat]

Hi Vix,

I am sorry to hear that it didn't go well...but I guess you expected that. Listen to Phoenix and imworthit, they have excellent points.

My husband would never have allowed me to go to Mexico for surgery, I knew that, and didn't even mention that option to him. I told him what I wanted to do, he said he loved me the way I was and I didn't have to go so drastic. I said I need this for me, he said he would support me. The cost here in Canada was twice as much as the OCC and we worked it out. Can you check into options in your home state, as suggested?

I believe your husband is trying to control you and because you made this decision on your own this time, he is angry. It wouldn't have matter what the decision was about, he wasn't involved. Stand up for yourself and what you want.

We spend our lives thinking and doing for others, it's time you think of yourself first. You need this and deserve this!!

I hope you can find the strength to go forward with this on your own. We are here for you if you need a shoulder or to talk.

Take care and be strong!

[Chrissyw]

Hi Vix,

I don't know whether you have tried this. I'm not scheduled for surgery myself until Oct. 6. I am trying to get my BMI down to a more manageable stage. Anyway I told my grown children last weekend and to say I got mixed reviews was an understatement. They all understand that I really must loose weight because of the co-morbities I now have. My brother is a physician and I haven't told him yet. That is for today. Anyway I ordered Dr. Ortiz book off of Amazon. It was sold out here on the website. The name of the book is Lap Band for Life. The Complete Patient Guide to Success with the Lap Band. As I'm reading it things and expectations for success are very clear. This has helped one of my sons in particular understand that I'm not going for quack surgery but am putting myself in the hands of an excellent experienced surgeon. I have had previous weight loss surgery. Back in the mid 1980's they did a stomach stapling that involves restriction. I lost 82lbs and then the stapling opened up. There was no support back then. No internet and no support from the physicians. I never spoke with a nutritionist. (I have already spoken with Dr. Miranda here and am emailing her my weight on Fridays) The surgery I'm going to have is more complicated than most bandings. In the United States few surgeons are capable of doing this. I have spoken to various surgeons here and they are only willing to do things like Stomaphyx an endoscopic procedure that makes pouches out of my stomach from the inside. The weight loss with this procedure is only 15-20 lbs. Let me suggest that you do much more research both for yourself and to satisfy the people that love you that you are doing the right thing. We as consumers of health care must have the pros and cons of everything we do and be very clear that this is the right thing at the right time for us. My primary doctor is on board with my surgery. I'm am looking at controlling and informing myself on all aspects of weight loss. I know that the people we love need to be able to support us in this journey.

Good luck

Christine

[stormy]

--The guy who goes on the offense when there is need for neither offense, nor defense is in very simple terms a control freak.

Not just of himself, but everything he considers in his world. That means he thinks his control extends to Vix.

Big, red flags.

Let him know he violated the word "honor" in "Love, honor and cherish." Absolutely NO RESPECT there.

Respect yourself first.

I'm not kidding for a second. Lap band or no lap band, respect yourself first.

I agree with Phoenix, this is about control. You can tell him that you are sorry if he is offended but this is not about him, this is about you. Be very careful, I see red flags too. I know you love him but taking care of yourself is first. This guy may be real trouble. You never see it until you are blind sided. Control is a form of abuse that people dont see. Dont let him control you but remain safe. You already made the decision to have the surgery. Dont let him change your mind. No one is going to leave you there dead. He is freaking out for nothing. He just lost control. Poor baby. I hate men like this. If he was right, he would of said, ok your going down there, can I go with you. I didnt see that anywhere in the conversation. Ohh it makes me want to come down there and tell him off. HA! just kidding. Take care of yourself. I hope you will go and take care of yourself.

[nothereanymore]

I'll be honest, I have no clue about you or your husband and I'm not going to make any assumptions/decisions/recommendations in regards to a married or relationship based on what someone writes when they're upset.

As a very strong person who's been married almost 28 years, all I'll say is please go speak to someone professional to get some help and guidance and if at all possible bring him with you.

Good luck.

[vix]

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to come on and let everyone know I'm ok. He's still not speaking to me, and it hurts a lot, but I'm trying real hard not to let it change my mind. I've already paid the deposit for my surgery on 8/15 at OCC. I'm gearing myself up for OCC and I completely trust everyone here on their experiences.

I have to agree with Phoenix and everyone else who said that he is a control freak. I've always known this about him and have dealt with it on other levels and in other situations, but I guess I just wanted this more than I've ever wanted anything else before...so I took that into consideration and decided that I was going to put my foot down and do what I had to do. Him being a control freak isn't a new thing to me...but I've handled it always before. This just was a huge thing.

The really strange thing was that before I gave him the letter, he asked me to at least tell him what it was about. I told him that it was about my having the weight loss surgery. He came over to me and hugged me and told me he loved me and that he would support me. It wasn't until after he'd read that the surgery was not only not covered by insurance, but that it was going to be in Mexico. That was the part that infuriated him. So, I don't really know what to think about that part.

Anyway, I will let you all know how things progress. At this point I have no intentions of not having the surgery. I plan to go on with it and if I end up with him leaving me because of it, then I will know that was what was meant to be. I know he's hurting right now...and probably more so because he isn't "in control" than anything else, but I'm hurting too because I do feel like I betrayed him in not including him in the decision. But, like I told him last night, I knew if I included him that it would never happen.

I'll be in touch guys and I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me that you are all so supportive. Without you, there is absolutely no way that I would be able to do this. So, when all is said and done, I will have all of you to thank. And I do thank you...from the bottom of my heart.

[Paula Bee]

Hugs for your pain and prayers uplifted for both you and your husband. Praying for the peace that passes all understanding.

Love,

Paula

[Dontondan]

Oh, Vix,

My heart goes out to you honey! Stay strong and stick to your guns. Sounds as though he is very scared, angry and confused. If there is any way that we can be of help, just hollar and you can email me at Dontondan@msn.com to get my phone number if your hubby has questions and I would be happy to answer them and my husband would even talk to him if it would help. I am about 8 months out from surgery now and it has been successful in many ways. I didn't let my husband accompany me to Mexico (he wanted to), but I felt he would make me too nervous and hover over me and I wanted to be clear headed and concentrate on what I was going through without worrying about how he was worrying.

Donna

[mona-camille]

Donna has a good suggestion. You are welcome to call me too, or my husband. Maybe if he hears from a few people, it will help put his mind at ease. Even Dr. Ortiz would speak to him, he has done so for others. Every little bit helps. Just take it day by day. Leave literature out for him in the open. Leave the computer on with the web-site for the OCC and then another day, leave the web-site up for this forum. He may just sneak a peek and maybe he needs time to come to grips with it. But, if you are going to do that, go back in to your posts and delete them. I don't think he should see what you have said about him, or our responses. At least not the negative ones. Baby steps.

[Mackenzie]

Vix,

Be strong! Everything will work out the way that it is supposed to. I hope that your husband comes to his senses and DOES travel to the OCC with you, but its beautiful and SO CLEAN! Keep your head you, youre making the right decision.

[cckcsharp]

Hi Julie,

I just came on to give an update actually and thank you for writing. I didn't tell him last night...I was too scared. Waited all day to tell him...the day was going so well all day...he even got me flowers. But, about an hour and 1/2 ago I told him and it didn't go well at all. I've been crying ever since and am not doing well right now. He is absolutely apalled that I would go to Mexico and thinks that everything I've read and everyone I've talked to is all a scam to get me to go to Mexico so they can steal my money and leave me injured or dead. He said that he feels betrayed because I went behind his back and made all the plans and that I made a big decision without including him and basically that he can't believe I would be the type of person to do this. I told him it wasn't about him...it was about me...but he is absolutely livid with me...and I'm just crying my eyes out...so I won't be on probably for a while until I can fix all of this. I'm beyond sick right now.

Thanks everyone for being so kind and for understanding.

Vix

Vix,

We are all pulling for you and your success. I will keep you in my prayers. I cannot add to the already great advice that has been given, so I just wanted to add that I too am there for ya girl.

Jessica

[MamaMichelle]

Hey Vix- I am sorry too for what you are going through you are so very strong to be able to put yourself FIRST!!

One thing I might mention is that the OCC, Dr. Ortiz, and one of his teenage patients was featured on the Oprah show back in Feb 2008 and they will be replaying the show on Aug 11th. Surely he can't think someone like Oprah would ever be assoicated with anything illegal or dangerous.

Hopefully since the show will be airing a few days before your surgery that will be one more thing to reassure him that everything is on the up and up, and if at that time he is still mad that you have made this choice without him at least he will know you are safe!

[Paula Bee]

Vix, feel free to call me if your husband is willing to talk to someone on the phone. My husband is totally supportive, knowledgeble about the band, and will be able to do some quality reassurance. Send me a message if you want my phone number.

Paula