One Week to go, had to cancel

[DaGreen]

Well, one week from today I was to make my journey to TJ and now it's not going to happen. As some of you recall, I wasn't going to tell my husband well, I did tell him. I told him today and he said, "No Way." He wants me to give it 6 months, his way. I am so sad. He asked me to give him 100% effort on eating and exercising which I believe I have not done in the past. Because our marriage is a partnership, 1/2 of the partners won't allow the financing to happen. So, unless I can come up with half the $$ in a week, not likely, I don't get to get banded. I talked to Carolyn and she said I can use my deposit for a future date. I feel even If I do well within this next 6 months, I will still need to be banded to keep it off. It is what it is, a food addiction.

Now with all that said, I am going to continue to change my lifestyle as if I was banded. I will eat and exercise as recommended for the next 6 months. I am also going to finish Dr. Ortiz's book and I would still like to participate in this forum because I am still going to need you all!

[karenlynn79]

I am sorry to hear that. Why don't you "pretend" to have the band? Follow all the bandster rules and the basic dietary guidelines? I KNOW I'll need the band later to maintain, and that I would gain again. You can do it!

[Kim2BSlim]

Oh man. I would be really pissed. I see the marriage being 1/2 and 1/2 and all, but he really needs to take into consideration your health. Do ya'll have kids together?

[doinitagann]

Oh Donna, I am sorry.

i have been part of this forum for only a week but have found your posts to be MOST helpful. i have 2 weeks to go and could understand what it would feel like to have that ripped out from under me. My husband is still trying to talk me out of it, but i won't budge. I know i could lose weight on my own but i could never, ever keep it off. I am a life time member of Weight watchers, twice over. I actually worked there . But as you said it is a food addiction. You could use this 6 months to do all the work and then once that is over, get back in touch with the OCC and have it protected properly-like putting stitches into an incision. Good luck, I look forward to future posts from you.

[Guest CaraMBA09]

Oh Donna, I am sorry.

i have been part of this forum for only a week but have found your posts to be MOST helpful. i have 2 weeks to go and could understand what it would feel like to have that ripped out from under me. My husband is still trying to talk me out of it, but i won't budge. I know i could lose weight on my own but i could never, ever keep it off. I am a life time member of Weight watchers, twice over. I actually worked there . But as you said it is a food addiction. You could use this 6 months to do all the work and then once that is over, get back in touch with the OCC and have it protected properly-like putting stitches into an incision. Good luck, I look forward to future posts from you.

WOW.

thoughts: if your struggles are anything like what I have been through, 6 months will turn into another 6 months and then it is summer again...you will spend a few hundred on more weight watchers (done it 3x) Jenny craig (done it 2x), nutri system (1x) or anything else in the hopes that JUST MAYBE this time something will work.

I told my husband that I am not getting any younger...he has also seen my diligence in getting on the treadmill and lifting weights in the garage and even he is in agreeance that SOME of us in the world are just pregenetically disposed to obesity. pure and simple.

This is not about money...this is about health...weight related fatty liver disease, diabetes, cardiovascular health and more.

hopefully your husband is saying no for all the RIGHT reasons (whatever they are) and not just saying no to be in CONTROL.

[DaGreen]

Thanks for the support!

Karenlynn, I am going to follow the plan as if I was banded, thanks for the tips!

Kim, I am so effing mad and sad. No kids are involved. I do have high risks of ovarian and breast cancer. I've tried to tell him all this and he knows all this. He is an athlete and doesn't understand. Nothing I said made sense to him. His answer? "We BOTH will go to a nutritionist and do this together." Ugh, he rides his bike about 200 miles a week, he NEEDS the food and calories. I am just beside myself. The good news, it will take me a short time to get the rest of the money on my own.

Cara, I truly believe he thinks it's "being in control of yourself". You are absolutely right, it's just going to be more money spent on more diets and more injuries to myself trying to get in the exercise.

Doingitagain, thanks! I think you and I both found this site at the same time. STAND YOUR GROUND, don't let your husband do the same to you. Keep posting details about your steps, I am going to need them in the future!

You all know I WILL WIN THIS BATTLE AGAINST HIM, it's just a matter of time and the thing is, I think he KNOWS I am going to win. I think he is just in shock.

[momonamission]

Do not get me wrong, but 1/2 and 1/2 my ass. His half just told you what to do. It is your body and at the end of the day you have to make the choice which is best for you. I know that might sound harsh and I am sorry about that, but if he really loved you he would support you. He would talk to Dr. Ortiz and study it like you have before being a judgeamental ass. He has not walked in your shoes. Does he know that you only have a 10% chance of taking off weight and keeping it off if you are more than 50 pounds over weight. He is living in his world and not yours. Our world sucks. It's hard to like yourself when you do not feel like you have control over your weight. We all gain weight because we over eat, but why do we over eat? Some have childhood baggage and others do it to just have control. There are many reasons and we do not all fit in his skinnyworld. My husband too just did not really understand why I felt the need to do this. He has seen me battle my weight for years with some success followed by failure. He just said this past weekend he is so happy I did it. I weigh less than I have in years and feel better too. He was afraid for me but knew he needed to support me or I would never be happy. (which in the long run would effect him) I finally feel like I have some control and I can see the light in the tunnel. I can not tell you what to do. I just feel anger at your husband for not seeing your life thru your eyes. I will pray for you tonight. Sorry I am such a nasty bug today. Husbands can just make me so mad.

[DaGreen]

Dawn, you couldn't have said it better! THANK YOU! I am going to print out this whole thread for him to read. I don't understand where he is coming from on this. He is my number 1 supporter, he has been there through my depression and medication, he's been there for the last year at every triathlon I did and for him to see me hurt myself and to still not lose weight, I don't get it.

[vix]

Donna,

I went through this exact situation about a month ago and I thought I was going to be divorced because of it. I didn't tell my husband until I had made the decision on my own and had secured the money (and yes...I took 1/2 of it out of our savings) and got a loan for the other 1/2, and he was beyond furious. He gave me all of the same guilt trip and I flat out told him in a letter that if he didn't support me on this and if I didn't have the surgery, then I doubted I would live another year...definitely not another 5 years. (I have a lot of other health issues). And then, as if he wasn't furious enough, I told him I was going to Mexico. He about had a coronary! But, I just told him straight out that it was this for me or that I would no longer be here and I honest to God was prepared to be divorced if I had to be (and believe me...I adore my husband), but I couldn't see myself going on like this. My husband was very similar to yours in that he said that he would help me. But, the only thing he has helped me with in our 7 years of marriage is gaining 60 # with his gourmet cooking and doing everything for me. And, to top it off, he's 6'4", 190# and a marathon runner. So believe me when I say that he doesn't have a CLUE what it takes to do this.

To make a long story short, just in a weeks time, he turned around and is my greatest supporter. He is going with me and is already planning for how we will deal with things when we come home. At first I felt like I had betrayed him by not telling him and taking the money from our "partnership," but then I realized that he was the one who was betraying me by not allowing me to do the only thing that I know will save my life.

It sounds like you weren't in the desperate situation I was...but I would never EVER not have the surgery because my husband or anyone else told me to because it is only me who has to live my life inside of me, and I truly hope that your husband has a change of heart...I sincerely do. Best of luck to you and we will all still be here when you are ready to have your surgery.

[yoyodieter]

My husband was not crazy about the idea either, but he has seen me struggle for years.

I am now a much happier person to live with, and I feel sexy which means more sex for

him, Now he thinks the surgery was his idea I hope your husband comes around.

you deserve the best.

[julieburns]

I am so sorry for your disappointment and selfish husband. If there is a way for you to do this you will figure it out, not on is terms though. Don't let him bully you like that.

[cfuture88]

I have an athlete husband too. His idea of a diet is not eating a candy bar. But I have another point to make and it concerns the band... The situation you find yourself in is the deficit vs. the plenty/excess model. Try to stick with me here.

A usual diet, any diet, is a deficit model. You must sacrifice. You deprive yourself of food and calories and you are easily able to do this the first couple of weeks or months (We all are experts at losing weight), but whether because of family celebrations, life's crises, loving to eat (chew, taste, feel full), and messing up our set points over the years with constant tries at dieting, never mind causing our metabolism to slow down while dieting making weight loss more difficult, we slowly give up and in to temptation (which is particularly poignant when everyone around us eats and does not even think about it and insist on letting us know in a thousand ways that we are not seen as attractive in this society, have no willpower, and are a disappointment to others. Most third world countries value fatter people as it signifies that they have enough money to buy food).

Deciding how much to eat is torture, slipping and "blowing the diet" is even worse. Exercise helps but is also fits in to the deficit model in that you must sacrifice time from your family to pursue your program and make friends with sweating and pain- which is why I swim (I swam for one year, lost 40# in 7 months and got up to 1 hour/day [the crawl] and stopped losing weight. I continued to swim an hour a day, seven days a week and never lost an ounce for the next four months, so I gave up.) ***By the way,most athletes are anxious and exercise as a form of therapy and relaxation...(Try having your husband totally give up exercise for six months while you give up eating and see if he can do it. He will go nuts.) Exercise and thinness are also ways to feel superior and put others down as these ideals are valued in our society.

The lap band is part of an adjunctive (plenty/excess) model. I know many here talk of a lap band being a tool. But I would like to tell you how it is that. With the lap band, I will be able to stay on a diet forever if I need to. I can sit through family celebrations and weather emotional times because I never want more. It is not that I am full in the usual sense, or not hungry, it is that the band redefines hunger, and fullness. (Hungry and full never feel like they used to-and I think it happens so fast that bandsters forget and tell newbies that they are full and never hungry and that is not true. It is that you come to define hunger and fullness differently than before. There is now a negative feedback loop----

I am now hungry (never was before the band and skipped breakfast, sometimes lunch, and ate a big dinner. I never picked while cooking, I did not snack between meals. I have been on diets on and off since age 8. My family loved to eat, loved good food, and I am a great cook.) Now I eat three times a day and have to because I am physically hungry. I follow the "rules" because I feel better physically if I do. When I order or make something, I sit down to eat it and after a small amount, I get a feeling that food is sitting in my lower chest (on top of the band). If I have chewed sufficiently (usually so much that the food isn't really any fun to swallow and is now tasteless), it eventually (in the next minute or so) goes down and I take another bite. If I have not chewed enough or I do not rest between bites, the feeling in my chest is soon more uncomfortable, I have difficulty talking, swallowing, and forget drinking. I have to totally stop and wait for a real discomfort to go away (PAIN if I really blew it). Sooner than later you end the meal because it has been real effort to eat in slow motion and there is not the same sense of wanting to eat more or needing to fill up. After a few weeks it is more trouble to eat than not eat. I "diet" all the time now. I follow the rules easily if I am properly "filled." I am motivated because it is (in comparison to no band) relatively painless to eat a small amount and too much trouble to eat a large amount. Even when I "slip" it is not a slip because it was a few bites of whatever instead of "blowing it." When I find myself able to eat a lot, I can go for a fill, get a boost to my program and it is not difficult, at all. If I do not eat around the band (only eat things that are unusually easy to get down, i.e. ice cream, shakes, puddings, etc.), I cannot sabotage myself. When eating solids, following the rules and being properly filled, it is impossible to go off the diet. You don't care about eating like you used to. Filling yourself up has taken on new meaning. As you lose weight, you want to move more because it is easier to move, you do not sweat as much, and you can fit in the boat or bend over easily or a million other ways being thinner effects someone.

Your husband will never get it and shouldn't expect to- he is thin. His metabolism works well and he is VERY motivated to help it by having to exercise or go out of his mind. (Again, ask him to sacrifice all exercise- or even cut his routine down to a 20 minute walk a day (After all you will be giving up most of the food you want). It will be almost impossible for him. Suggest he wait 30 minutes more, after he becomes hungry, to eat (you deprive yourself and are hungry all day when dieting), to give up all sweets, and to not drink with meals. He will quickly come to see how your life, right now, is run by food, weight, calories, and exercise. He might develop empathy and more sympathy than the ,"Just push away from the table and exercise and you will lose weight," politically current view of why we are fat (no willpower). He never has to push away from the table, he just fills up the hole whenever he wants to and eats until he is full. He truly believes he can eat what he wants because he sacrifices by exercising and "watching what he eats." That is all he does- Watch- and then he eats it. You, on the other hand are expected to adopt the deficit model, sacrifice, suffer for the cause and do it forever if you expect to be and stay thin.

I have been married 23 years. My husband has always said what your husband said. And I tried, and tried. I am a good partner to him and have raised kids, kept a house, worked part time, and took care of everything for everyone. I wanted this for me and made the plans, told my husband I was going in a few weeks and he could ask me anything he wanted. I did not bargain with him because he has always bought anything he needed or wanted. It was my turn. AND I wanted to stay healthy, I wanted to please him, I wanted more and better sex for us both, and I absolutely know that my problem was not a matter of lack of self discipline, an inability to sacrifice, or being obstinate and not wanting to please him. After all, I suffered much more. NO ONE would chose to be fat. It is just too hard in our society.

Anyway, hope this helps. I will send this to you to make sure that you see it. Your husband is motivated by many things to have said what he said and to make his bargain with you but he believes he is coming from a loving place... if only he could consider the wasted time and effort on a losing battle.

Also, I am a nurse practitioner and I received better care in a cleaner environment, with more professional providers, than in any of the twenty hospitals I have been in, and worked in, in the last thirtyone years of my nursing career. If you have any questions feel free to write and ask. Ellen

[Will T]

Linda said:

I am now a much happier person to live with, and I feel sexy which means more sex for

him, Now he thinks the surgery was his idea I hope your husband comes around.

you deserve the best.

See??? We men DO come up with good ideas every now and then!

Woooohooooo!

[Will T]

Donna, don't let up on your desire in front of him. Keep the attitude that the band is what you need, and want, and also let him know how important his support would be for you. If he feels you will change your mind and decide against it, he will keep his perspective and 'help' you change your mind.

A marriage is a partnership, but BOTH partners must be cognizant of the other's state of being. He must understand how YOU feel, and that YOU are different physically (meaning your metabolism is different). If he REALLY loves you, then he must come to an understanding in HIS mind that you have different needs to help you accomplish your goals. We all don't paint a wall the same way, but it gets painted with support.

Stay concrete with your determination. It will help you when you finally get the band. You WILL win this weight battle.... I can tell it already.

[doinitagann]

Ellen, YOU ARE MY HERO. I could not have ever in a million years said it more eloquently.

[Kittycat]

I am sorry to hear that your surgery has been put on hold, but thrilled that you are in the frame of mind to do this anyway.

You go girl and give us updates on your progress.

[cfuture88]

Ellen, YOU ARE MY HERO. I could not have ever in a million years said it more eloquently.

Heidi- you are welcome and thank YOU for the thanks. Message me anytime if you have questions, I am happy to help. Ellen

[Kittycat]

Do not get me wrong, but 1/2 and 1/2 my ass. His half just told you what to do. It is your body and at the end of the day you have to make the choice which is best for you. I know that might sound harsh and I am sorry about that, but if he really loved you he would support you. He would talk to Dr. Ortiz and study it like you have before being a judgeamental ass. He has not walked in your shoes. Does he know that you only have a 10% chance of taking off weight and keeping it off if you are more than 50 pounds over weight. He is living in his world and not yours. Our world sucks. It's hard to like yourself when you do not feel like you have control over your weight. We all gain weight because we over eat, but why do we over eat? Some have childhood baggage and others do it to just have control. There are many reasons and we do not all fit in his skinnyworld. My husband too just did not really understand why I felt the need to do this. He has seen me battle my weight for years with some success followed by failure. He just said this past weekend he is so happy I did it. I weigh less than I have in years and feel better too. He was afraid for me but knew he needed to support me or I would never be happy. (which in the long run would effect him) I finally feel like I have some control and I can see the light in the tunnel. I can not tell you what to do. I just feel anger at your husband for not seeing your life thru your eyes. I will pray for you tonight. Sorry I am such a nasty bug today. Husbands can just make me so mad.

You make an excellent point. When you are married your finances are pooled, I agree with that and when I make an important decision I always consult my husband. I had to pay 15K for my surgery. I got a line-of-credit in my own name to do so, I make the payment, however I also realize it's take money from our bottom line each month. My husband thought it was a drastic measure to take for weight loss, but once I explained to him how important this was to me, he was fully supportive, did not bat an eye at the cost and took me to my appointments without question.

If you husband loves you, he will support what's important to you and your well being!!

[Bowierocksme]

My husband was not crazy about the idea either, but he has seen me struggle for years.

I am now a much happier person to live with, and I feel sexy which means more sex for

him, Now he thinks the surgery was his idea I hope your husband comes around.

you deserve the best.

LOL, I think the Sex thing is why my husband is being so good about letting me go too!!! He is being very supportive in the hope that I will be a lot more interested!

KIM

[ackovach]

ditto, bowierocksme....

[cfuture88]

ditto, bowierocksme....

You are three weeks out- how are you doing?

[cckcsharp]

Well, one week from today I was to make my journey to TJ and now it's not going to happen. As some of you recall, I wasn't going to tell my husband well, I did tell him. I told him today and he said, "No Way." He wants me to give it 6 months, his way. I am so sad. He asked me to give him 100% effort on eating and exercising which I believe I have not done in the past. Because our marriage is a partnership, 1/2 of the partners won't allow the financing to happen. So, unless I can come up with half the $ in a week, not likely, I don't get to get banded. I talked to Carolyn and she said I can use my deposit for a future date. I feel even If I do well within this next 6 months, I will still need to be banded to keep it off. It is what it is, a food addiction.

Now with all that said, I am going to continue to change my lifestyle as if I was banded. I will eat and exercise as recommended for the next 6 months. I am also going to finish Dr. Ortiz's book and I would still like to participate in this forum because I am still going to need you all!

I am pulling for you to win the battle with your husband. You have the right to choose the route that best suites you to lose weight and take care of your body. If your marriage is 1/2 and 1/2 why is he making the decision 100%. There doesn't seem to be any compromise on his behalf. I really think he should at least be meeting you in the middle on this. Although I ultimately believe that the decision is yours. It's your body. My husband is 5'9 and weighs 152 soaking wet. He can eat whatever he wants and CANNOT gain weight. He has actually tried to bulk up a bit. I am telling you this because he is the exact opposite of me. I even look at food and I gain weight and struggle to take it off. He can eat and eat and eat, and I am surprised at how much is skinny ass can shovel in, and not gain a pound. Thankfully he is supportive of my decision, but the bottom line is that he will never know what it's like for me, because his world of food is so very opposite of mine. Your husband does not have the right to assume that things will be the same for you as they are for him. He is a MAN to start with. That right there makes a HUGE difference in weight loss. But secondly, he does not have your metabolism, genetics, hormones, etc. etc. etc. Your body will never function like his no matter how much he wants it too. And didn't you say you have already been on diets for YEARS. Haven't you already proven they aren't working for you. I cannot agree more with the person who said to tell your husband that he has to give up exercise for the 6 months just to see how it feels. I am just so frustrated for you. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. But again, we are all pulling for you and hoping for the best outcome in your situation. Best wishes.

[Kittycat]

LOL, I think the Sex thing is why my husband is being so good about letting me go too!!! He is being very supportive in the hope that I will be a lot more interested!

KIM

Ya think! My husband couldn't keep his hands off me before, now that I am down 40 lbs and heading for skinny-ville, his drive has increased, not mine though, in time maybe!!

[DaGreen]

ALL OF YOU ARE AWESOME!!! Thank you for all the support and advice!! You ALL have given me ammo to back my side of the story up. I know one thing, he was SHOCKED and said, "but surgery is the last straw." I kept telling him over and over, "EXACTLY." We spent the whole day together today and I was just so sad and unhappy and he sensed it. He leaves for a couple of weeks, guess when the surgery is going to get scheduled without him knowing? I feel I've talked to him and told him what I wanted and he voiced his opinions now it's my decision, my body.

Ellen, you are my hero as well!

THANK YOU ALL for the wonderful support.

[cfuture88]

ALL OF YOU ARE AWESOME!!! Thank you for all the support and advice!! You ALL have given me ammo to back my side of the story up. I know one thing, he was SHOCKED and said, "but surgery is the last straw." I kept telling him over and over, "EXACTLY." We spent the whole day together today and I was just so sad and unhappy and he sensed it. He leaves for a couple of weeks, guess when the surgery is going to get scheduled without him knowing? I feel I've talked to him and told him what I wanted and he voiced his opinions now it's my decision, my body.

Ellen, you are my hero as well!

THANK YOU ALL for the wonderful support.

No matter what, you will be just fine. Will be thinking of you. Keep in touch. Ellen