Binge

[julieburns]

Ok I am going to fess up, have at me all, I deserve it. Here's the story:

Last night at work one of my coworkers told me she overheard some other co-workers talking about me as well as herself. My heart was broken. I felt angry first, then just hurt. I wanted to confront each of the 3 people involved, 2 were there last night. After talking with another co-worker I felt better and chose not to say anything last night. My plan then was to perhaps confront each person but in a way such that it wasn't me saying "I heard you were talking about me form so and so", rather, "Sometimes I feel I may not be doing everything I should/could be and I wonder what your perception is?" or something like that. I think this has stemmed from just after I had my surgery when I was at work the first few weeks I was having trouble with eating, only on liquids, malnourished and you all know how those first 3 weeks can be somewhat miserable in many ways. I have a physical job and at times is very unpredictable at best so I never know what I may end up doing. I've been working very hard to cut out my night time "snacking" and working even extra hard on my diet plan and exercise.

Well you all can see the writing on the wall. I wanted to eat. Oh I fought this temptation off, reasoning with myself that I knew this was an emotional time and this was a pattern I needed to break and so on and so on. I kept up the self-talk but in my drive home gave myself permission to have a protein bar, "that's ok right". Well then I got home and I thought about my 100 calorie favorite snack cookies and had 1 package. I had exercised double time yesterday so just 1, sure why not. And yes this then turned into an all out binge. Mind you I only had my 100 calorie snacks and ice cream treats but yes I had way too many. I knew it as I ate each one and just didn't stop myself. It snowballed from that protein bar into several hundred calories of "treats". I just didn't care at the time but I did, if you know what I mean. I knew exactly what I was doing. That's my first all out binge since being banded 12 weeks ago. From that perspective I have come a long way. I am not even going to be too hard on myself for this, even though I do feel like crap! I realize what I did and I did not binge like I would have in the good old days. Then it would have been thousands of calories of sugar and carb rich foods. I did throw in some bites of chicken and it almost got stuck but I used a WW frozen bar to help it go down. This also made me realize I have no restriction and feel like a bottomless pit again. I see this as part of my journey, this process is relearning how to eat in a way different from how I have been in the last several years. I did that, even though it was a "binge". My hope is that when this sort of thing comes along again I will be another step in my re-learning process and will have even better results with handling the "stress". It's hard for old dogs( or even puppies) to learn new tricks when they've never had boundaries enforced.

Today is a new day. I talked to my husband about this. He reminded me which is sad but true that working with a group of women can always have it's times of "gossipers" gossiping about each other. He's right. I also have to consider the sources and each of these people have talked about others in front of me so I should expect them to be talking about me when I am not there almost. I said a prayer for all of them and myself this morning. I have asked for the strength to just move forward from this "event" and learn from it. To not allow what someone said they heard others said to affect me, as they are not the one who maters. I answer only to 1 person and he and I have talked about this. Confession over. I feel better!!

[momonamission]

Sadly enough there are mean people out there. I work in a salon and there can be alot of back bititng. I think a salon is most likely the worst place with the gay guys ( no problem with gays- my brother is gay) , the straight guys trying to prove they are straight , and all the emotions of us women. It is a daily war zone. Sometimes they talk about me and call me goodie to shoes or some similar name that is supose to hurt me. I do not really care. Most of the time I find the ones who are in the thick of the gossip are the one's who have the hardest lives. I do my job, I stay polite, I do not get involved with the gossip . In my younger years I had gossip turned around on me more than one time. I have learned. Just do what you think is right and you will be fine. As for food? We all have those days. Get back up on the horse. Today is a better and different day. And you have control. I already got my second fill. Have you?

[thesuse]

Julie - it sounds like you had a BAD day, but you are ready to get back on track.

I just have recommend this book called "You can be thin" by Marisa Peer - I had to go to Amazon.com.uk to buy it - it's really good at helping counter emotional eating.

One of the things she talks about is the notion "being enough". Many of us overeat in an effort to fill an emptiness or lack that we feel in ourselves. The fact that you were triggered by hearing that other people were criticizing you behind your back suggests that you were feeling badly about yourself and perhaps feeling that you were "not enough".

I hope this makes sense - I certainly don't explain the idea as eloquently as the writer. But I'll just say that from what I have read from you it sounds like you're a very smart, hardworking, warm and kind person and no matter what others may be saying about you, you must remember that you are enough!

And I know that you are also committed to the band and will overcome these hurdles and succeed.

Best,

Susan

[Kim2BSlim]

Julie~

Don't beat your self up. I have dome the same thing many times. Junk food seems to just go down too easily. Just remember how bad it made you feel..that's what I try to do when I think about eating mounds of chocolate. I know after it is over I will feel like crap and like a failure.

Don't worry about those gossipy women. I have never worked with a group of women who weren't like that. It happens when lots of women get together. May they continue to get fatter while you get skinny!! LOL "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter!!"

[Phoenix]

Being from Washington, you probably know that live, healthy crabs can be kept in a crab pot that looks like it can be easily escaped...the crabs on top who try to get out are pulled back in by the crabs below.

Julie, one of the toughest lessons we learn in life is to trust our own best judgement. We give the opinion (not fact-based knowledge, but the subjective thoughts) of others too much power sometimes. What "they" think overwhelms what "we" think. What they "know" overpowers what we "know".

When those thoughts are destructive, they are emotionally doing the job of the crabs. They keep you in the pit with them. Only you can give them the power to keep you in the pit.

It takes some soul searching, but you're able to withhold that power when you decide that what you think about yourself has higher value than what they think. They're entitled to their opinions, of course, and many of those opinions are to be respected (even respected as a "crab")....just not more respected than your own opinions.

We're on a journey. There are bumps and twists in the road. Yesterday's episode was a pot hole. You're doing the exactly right thing by learning from it and moving forward.

I like that you took issue in a personal way. If you didn't take the energy and trouble to actually tell them that they crossed the line, then it would give them permission (tacitly) to go ahead and continue doing what they were doing. They're still going to be crabs, of course, but you are allowing yourself to get out of their pot. Good for you!

[karenlynn79]

Hi Julie,

I know how you feel! Yesterday I finally got out of my week-long overeating. I can't even buy those 100 cal packs because I too will eat like 3 or 4 packs at once if I buy them. Just remember that it was only one day and it's over. Also I used to overeat because other people made me feel bad. Then I realized that I was letting people I didn't even like affect my life! Not anymore. They are just jealous becase you are changing and change is hard for most people. Don't beat yourself up!!!

Karen

[Kittycat]

I am sorry you had to endure that...working with women can be brutal. I work for a large insurance company and it's full of women, they gossip, they back stab, they are caddy. I can totally understand why you were upset.

You made a mistake, you admitted it, you realized why and moved on...good for you!!

You are doing great Julie, don't let those b*ches sabatoge all of your hard work!!! Give then h*ll!!

Just know that we love you here!!

[CottonwoodAZ]

Julie I just want you to know you inspire me. Don't beat yourself up as today is a new day. Your the best Keep your head up and kill the gossip girls with Kindness.

[emtstacey76]

Julie you know women are very petty especailly nurses they are out the eat their young or the ones they think are weak. You are not like someone else you are an inspiration to us and don't beat yourself up. Obviously they are jealous. I also have issues with people talking about me and it bugs me to no end! Go for a walk and laugh it off in the end you will big the bigger person!

[mona-camille]

Hey buddy, ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

[GirlBarb]

Man oh Man Julie, I hope that this is over for you. That must have been so hurtful for you hear. I think the girl who passed it on to you was also hurt and it must have felt doubble worse. It is important that you stay as calm as you can or your going to flair up the fibro and who needs that?

You are doing great, we all love you and think you are the best. Hang in there girlfriend!

Barb

[stormy]

I know exactly how you feel. Yesterday the women were standing around talking about how they eat healthy now and they are losing the weight, and how it is too bad everyone dont do that. ""Some people"" meaning me, have to take extreme measures, it is just too bad ""those"" people, meaning me, dont just learn to eat right. Well I ignored the whole thing. They are fat just like me and maybe they have lost and maybe not but the thing is, they wont keep it off. I think they actually might be threatened by the fact that I am doing this. They can keep doing what they are doing. I have to find my own way. Dont worry about what others talk about. You are who you are and stop beating yourself up. Get back on the wagon!! There is light at the end of the table and those women better be careful, cause what goes around, comes around, ya know?

[Willi333]

Oh Julie, I can soooo relate to that, but everythime it get's close to a situation like this, I remember what my dad always says ...

"Kill 'em with kindess and you are the winner at the end"

>

[C1BandedBabe]

Keep your head up and dont let them get to you sister! Like the others have said us women can be b*tches sometimes.. You had a bad day yesterday and had a little binge, but guess what? We all do. You know how to correct it and get back on track and that is the good thing...

[GirlBarb]

I thought I'd share this quote, it is somthing that I have heard years ago and keep it in mind even today.

"What you think of me is none of my business"

[paulafox]

Juile, I hate that you had to go thru that. You are doing so good and don't let someone ruin your journey to a new and improved Julie! It is never easy to hear that someone is talking about you and or has said something bad about you. Hang in there and remember that we are going to have bumps along the road in this journey and that was just a bump but today you will be stronger! Keep your head up and stay strong! And when your not and you feel that need to get comfort from food come on here and get support from all of us! >

[DaGreen]

Awe sweetie, you are doing so well and you are such an inspiration. I am sorry you got hurt. I don't know how/when I developed it, but I actually started THRIVING when others would talk about me behind my back. For some reason I was under their skin unbeknownst to me, I never really gave 2 hoots about them and that was more empowering to me.

Hang in there. I just learned I too can binge on 100 calorie jello pudding and sugar free jello. You are not alone in all this. I have this whole group of people to be an incredible support system.

[drlukemayes]

Wow julie you are such an amazing person hang in there. Things will get better. I just think sometimes that since i have a band i will never gain any weight back and all those other MEAN people will eventually gain weight or gain back the weight they lost. Oh well Lucky us right.

I got really upset at the IRS this last tax season and wanted to overeat to feed my emotions and i just got more depressed because when i did try to eat the BIG burrito and chips that i bought i could only take a bite or two and then was so full i could not eat anymore so i just cried cause now i wasnt able to feed my emotions. But sooooo glad that have a band or i would be right back were i started. hang in there and keep your chin up.

[julieburns]

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!

You can't begin to know how much each of your kind and special words mean to me. I have tears in my eyes now as this was the first chance I had to read all the beautiful replies. Thank you, thank you, thank you all for lifting me up with your kind words.

On a better note, yes I was able to let this one pass as water under the bridge. I went to work yesterday and none of the 3 were there so it was easy too. But all in all my attitude is "Consider the sources" and I know who I answer too, not them. I know what they said was out of some sort of twisted need to be gossiping about others which gives them a sense of sick fellowship. I do understand that the person who told me also was hurting because they talk about her and are down right mean to her all the time. I have befriended her and I think that is also prompting the talk. I kind of do that with the co workers who are on the "outside" of these peoples "in" group. It's like bringing in stray animals but my husband won't let me do that!!! So all is well again in the psyche of Julie....especially since all I have is 1 short 8 hour shift and then I am on VACATION for 9 days!!!! :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:

I plan to say a special prayer of thank for each and everyone of you who replied and for those who didn't I know you are out there and I love you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.