stormy Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 Has anyone every really looked at that? Maybe our spouses feel safe when we are fat. Maybe we are comfortable and then here we are and they have lost the weight and we grow afraid. My husband and I are both getting the band together, but dont let that fool you. Our marriage has been on the edge for a couple years now. Having a special needs child, being over weight and semi-depressed, has caused a huge strain on the relationship. I feel like he dont do enough, he feels like he is pressured all the time. He feels undesireable because he is fat and I feel like I got fat and he dont look at me anymore. So many issues. There is no way to tell if the band can assist with these issues. But self esteem would help. We both sit around and get fat and that is causing us to be depressed. We need this to help us get moving again. I feel like his weight has been a real problem, his eating is a driving force. When he wants to eat, we eat and I admit, I dont argue. I eat too. We have had some serious talks about what this band means to both of us and how serious we are about making a change. But he has made it clear, he thinks I will lose the weight and leave him. I feel the same way about him. I dont feel like he does enough in the marriage. I feel resentful most of the time. I feel like he could send me a check monthly and I could live completely without him. What could change, nothing. We dont have sex, we hardly talk. He doesn't help me with our son. So what would be so different. Maybe that I wouldnt hear him yelling. That would be nice. Ok I would miss having someone to talk to once in a while. But all and all, we have got into a slump of being lost. If we dont get healthy and start communicating about our needs and get some sex going around here, I think I will go crazy. Sorry hate to be blunt, but ladies, I dont think we are born to live without it. Fat or not, give it up! Honey forget the cheeseburger and get over here. It seems crazy I know. Since going on the pre-op diet, I have noticed a difference in his attitude, mine too. we dont focus so much on food. Now we are talking about some real deep issues. Issues that have caused this fat problem. I have the feeling after the surgery, we will be coming home to take a hard look at our lives together. I for one am open to anything that happens good or bad. I am ready to make a change in my life. I think it is important to remember who we are and that life is too short to be unhappy. No matter what, this is the biggest moment of my life and getting the band, is going to save my life, I can work this program. I can learn to live and eat healthy. The pre-op diet has showed me that. Now the real work will begin on the 19th when I get the band. I am hoping we will discover what we need and how to get it. I know we love eachother but I guess we will find out if that is enough. I think alot of his aches and pains will go away with the weight loss and he will be a nicer person, making it a healthier relationship for both of us. I can only hope. Thanks for letting me rant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittycat Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 Hi Stormy, I am so sorry to hear that you and your hubby are struggling, but unfortunately it's a true reality. When I was researching WLS, they clearing noted that one of the casualties of WLS is that the other spouse fears that the spouse that had WLS will leave them for something better and it causes friction in the relationship. My husband is a little heavy now too, could stand to lose about 75 lbs and we have made a deal, that he needs to lose this weight by the time I meet my goal. He agreed, but it will be much more difficult for him because he has to use stricly willpower. I am one of the lucky ones, I know my husband loves me for who I am, not how much I weigh. We have a really good relationship, not that we don't have arguments, we do, mostly because of the kids, never about weight. I was 140lb when we married 19 years ago and I have been up and down throughout the 21 years we've been together. This year I reached my highest at 285 lbs and he still couldn't keep his hands off me. He was totally supportive of my decision to have the WLS even though he said I didn't need to do it, because he loved me the way I was. I told him it was for me. My thoughts are with you and those who are struggling with their relationship right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nothereanymore Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 I actually find this very interesting, I don't know if loosing the weight is causing the marriages to fail, or if like we often see here, many marriages are failing before the weight loss. It seems to me that some people are finally taking that step to get healthy to either save their marriage, or they may see it coming and are doing it for themselves to start a new chapter in their lives. Personally, I believe if the marriage is strong before the weight loss, you most likely won’t have any issues. If its already in trouble, loosing the weight most likely wont save it. If someone doesn't love you as you are, fat or slim, through sickness or health – personaly I would dump their sorry ass. And don't try loosing the weight to fix it, do that for you and love yourself unconditionally. And always realize there's someone else out there who will as well. Best, Lisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erin2796 Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 It's an interesting question. I remember a few years ago when I looked into having gastric bypass the doctor asked me several times if I was sure. He cited a patient of his that lost all of her weight and her husband wouldn't touch her because her body was so different in such a short amount of time. With him not able to adjust to the change in her body they ended their marriage. The other end of it is self esteem. Your husband has been comfortable with you being fat because in his mind no one else will want you if your fat. When you lose all of the weight and other guys check you out their self esteem issues kick in and they become jealous and possesive. This is what causes the friction. In other situations it could be that you were afraid to leave because you did not have the confidence to do it before. jealousy is a powerful emotion. We have all heard the doctor say not to be suprised that you will lose some friends after this. I do not think it is the "band" but more the outcome of the band and the pre-existing issues that causes marriages to end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittycat Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 Lisa and Erin are so right. A strong marriage can withstand alot of ups and downs, including weight. A solid foundation is key to working through any of life's challenges including WLS. My husband wants me to be successful, on my own. He would never sabatoge my goal or be-little me in anyway. I look better now than I have in 10 years and I am only 1/4 of the way. He loves my changing body and we have a deal. He has to tell me every morning when I bend over the sink to brush my teeth, that my butt is getting smaller, whether it is or not!!! Humour, Love and Acceptable of one another for the good and bad...is key to a lasting relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ackovach Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 Kittycat, You are so right!!! Humor is missing from my marriage and it really makes things tough. We both talk and acknowledge this, but don't know how add humor..... This posting has really got me thinking. Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittycat Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 Kittycat,You are so right!!! Humor is missing from my marriage and it really makes things tough. We both talk and acknowledge this, but don't know how add humor..... This posting has really got me thinking. Amy My hubby and I lost the spark there for awhile and fought alot about the kids...my son had behavioural problems and it made homelife hell for awhile. We went to marriage counselling and what we found out was that we had lost the "couple" part of the family. We were so involved in being parents, we forget about "us". So the counsellor suggest going on dates. So we did, sometimes we just say, "okay boys, Dad and I are going out for dinner, what can we bring back for you?"...we don't invite them to come, because we want time to ourselves. We talk and laugh and just have our time. We also re-kindled our sex life by adding some toys to the mix. And let me tell you...it works!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OICU812 Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 The more I read about other people's relationships, the more I realize that I have the perfect wife, and 2 perfect daughters and that I probably don't tell them nearly enough. Maybe she'll read this. They have supported me in this and in every other scatter-brained idea I might have had and I appreciate it. Stormy, when I read your post, it seemed very sincere. I just wonder if you've ever said the exact same words to your husband. If not, I hope he reads it and feels the same hurt that you feel. I don't understand how he couldn't, but if not, maybe it is time to part ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittycat Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 The more I read about other people's relationships, the more I realize that I have the perfect wife, and 2 perfect daughters and that I probably don't tell them nearly enough. Maybe she'll read this. They have supported me in this and in every other scatter-brained idea I might have had and I appreciate it. Stormy, when I read your post, it seemed very sincere. I just wonder if you've ever said the exact same words to your husband. If not, I hope he reads it and feels the same hurt that you feel. I don't understand how he couldn't, but if not, maybe it is time to part ways. This is one of the nicest posts I have read in a very long time, be sure you let you wife read it!! She's a lucky lady! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dontondan Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 I think a lot of the problems were there prior to losing the weight. I know my husband will love me through very thick, thick and thin!!! A lot of guys are threatened when the spouse all of a sudden is "looking good" and getting male attention. A lot of women are very flattered by the attention and may stray because of it. Me, I will stick with what I know and love. I have an extremely supportive and loving husband and I am happy with that....he is getting pretty chunky now and for once in our relationship I weigh less than him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy Posted August 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 The more I read about other people's relationships, the more I realize that I have the perfect wife, and 2 perfect daughters and that I probably don't tell them nearly enough. Maybe she'll read this. They have supported me in this and in every other scatter-brained idea I might have had and I appreciate it. Stormy, when I read your post, it seemed very sincere. I just wonder if you've ever said the exact same words to your husband. If not, I hope he reads it and feels the same hurt that you feel. I don't understand how he couldn't, but if not, maybe it is time to part ways. Yes I have, I have talked to him many times. He just tells me, he doesnt know what to do anymore. He is trying the best he can. He does not know how to handle our autistic child. So he just doesnt try. Leaving me to do everything. And of course being a mom, I just do it, do it all. Isnt that what moms do? I tell him daily how much I love him but he is very closed. He does not handle emotion well so he just puts it away. The only time I see it come out is when the arguing is out of control. That is rarely since we dont argue. We are just silent. We talk but it is like two friends talking. Sometimes we dont talk much at all. He really didnt share his insecurity until the band came up and then he finally said something. Then he told me about all the aches and pains he is having because of his weight. I feel bad for him. He is 285 pounds at 5'8 and he says he is misrible. So far on pre-op he has lost 7 pounds. but he says he is depressed. I cant help him, I am depressed too. What a mess we are. Something has got to get better. Maybe the pre-op diet is making us depressed. We are so used to going out to eat. What do we share now? Oh my god, what a reality check...I guess we were sharing an addiction. How terrible. I called a family counselor, they said when we get back, they will get us in to discuss how we are going to stay away from this behavior. Meanwhile, we have set up one on one meeting this week to discuss our plan. I hope this helps. I need him to get involved with our son, I cant do it alone. It is hard. I need him to be a dad and a husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittycat Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 I feel for you Stormy...being overweight turns you into a totally different person. Before I made my decision I was 285 at 5 feet...I ached and had trouble doing the little things without getting winded. Would it beneficial for him to come onto the forum to read some of the posts? Maybe it will encourage him to talk to you and maybe this common band bond that you will have, will bring you back together as a couple, as parents. Good luck to you, I don't envy how difficult your day to day life must be. We are here to support you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesuse Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 Hi Stormy - I don't really know you yet, but I'm so sorry to hear of your difficulties with your marriage! I am in a difficult relationship myself, but that's another long story that I won't go into now... What you're saying makes me think that your husband feels badly about what he's bringing (or not bringing) to the marriage - perhaps especially regarding your son. Have you tried giving him very specific suggestions/requests about how he could help with your son? I obviously know very little about the situation and all the things you've tried, but I just wonder if he feels helpless to do the right thing with your son and perhaps if there was some simple thing he could do with your son each day he would take that on and then slowly gain confidence to take on more. Regarding the sex issue, I think it's hard for men to have sex with their wives when the are feeling inadequate in the relationship or feel resentment from their wife. Of course that can also become a vicious cycle! I hope the two of you are able to work things out and that the band even helps with that. -Susan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momonamission Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 It's hard to say how it will effect yall as a marrage. It might bring you closer together because you have a common goal. It is hard to know. I have heard of people breaking up after weight loss. I am sure for many different reasons. I hope it will bring you closer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 My .02 It's rather similar to Lisa's. If your marriage was in trouble before? Its in trouble after. When you're stronger. When you're healthier. When you're more successful... you've stopped putting up with things that are just plain *crap*. It isn't about sex. It isn't about weight. It isn't about health. It is, however, about confidence. When you've gotten to the point that you believe in you and won't put up with the *crap*...the guys who administer crap instead of substance find themselves at the mercy of a lawyer. Ours. And probably should have found themselves there years ago. Ask clearly for what you want, speak plainly about what hurts you. Tell them when you feel abandoned now. Now is salvageable. Later is last ditch. When you're in "after" shape? Telling them then is a "Hail Mary". -- And they're probably not either Joe Namath, Joe Montana or Brett Favre. They're just dumbshitz in the headlights and not equipped. Sorry, done. Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowbird Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 Many men don't do emotion well, and don't pick up on emotional cues from us at all. We wish they would see how tired we are and pitch in, but they don't see it. They expect us to ask if we want them to do something. We have to be specific in telling them what we want--not general statements that we need help, but actually stating what we want them to do at that time. That isn't true of all men, but it is true of many of them. We can spend our entire marriage feeling hurt and resentful ("If he really loved me he would notice I need help . . .") or we can accept he doesn't think that way and tell him what we need. Now, if he then still won't help, that's another issue altogether . . . Being banded and working to lose weight can be an activity you share, but it can make a relationship worse if one of you is more successful than the other. I cringe when someone compliments me on my weight loss but doesn't mention my husband's. I've lost about 75 and he's lost 66, not that much different, but I had less to lose and bought myself a new wardrobe, so it is more apparent on me. One neighbor actually told him he needed to have the same surgery, and I felt so bad for him, since we were banded the same day. Losing weight won't solve marital problems, and may raise some that weren't there before. I guess you have to decide what you can realistically expect from both your marriage and your weight loss. But it does sound like you might need to really devote some one-on-one time to each other to show your partner that the marriage, and he, is important to you. Having a disabled child is such a strain on a relationship, that the two parents and the marriage relationship sometimes get lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy Posted August 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 for some reason he came home today with a completely different attitude. He helped me give my son and bath last night and actually cooked breakfast this morning. I am impressed. I told him that I was very worried about our marriage and he said that he knows that this weight gain he has, has caused him major health issues. Plus he is in testostrone shots and he said they are messing with his mind. We talked for about an hour and both of us decided that we are doing this band together and we are going to start walking together and trying to be more involved as a relationship instead of just parents. Somewhere "we" got lost. He says he can not be intimate right now, he does not feel good about himself. I completely understand. With time, this will change. I feel horrible being this big too. I have explained to him that I am not going to leave him. We will lose this weight together and get into counseling to deal with the inability to use food as a way to be together. This is a huge change for us. I love him, I know he loves me. But sometimes that is not enough. The trip down there next week, we will be without our child. It will be a time for us to bond again. I look forward to that and the surgery. Wish us luck... Thanks everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nothereanymore Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 Good luck Stormy, my thoughts are prayers are with you. I hope for all the best and that it works out, whatever the outcome you'll do fine. I can tell you're a very strong person and good things are coming! Best, Lisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittycat Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 I hope you are right Stormy and the bonding of going on this journey will help your relationship. Thinking of you both!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FRANCIE Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 Hi Stormy: This is my second marriage and we will celebrate 19 years next month. My husband and I have been in and out of marriage counseling because we now recognize the signs and know when it is time to go. It always helps us get things straightened out and we are madly, deeply in love with each other. I don't know if you are a reader or not, but the best book I have ever found about marriage is called "Marriage On The Rock" by Jimmy Evans. This single book saved my marriage many times. We get in a rut and start taking advantage of each other and I drag the book out and read it again (and him) and we get back on track. If you want this book and can't find it in your local book store, please let me know and I will get it for you and send it to you. Good Luck and God Bless P.S. By the way, it's always his fault! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesuse Posted August 31, 2008 Report Share Posted August 31, 2008 That's great news. I wish you both the best as you work towards changing your lives and your relationship for the better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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