On my own

[doinitagann]

Well as some of you may remember, I have been having some marital problems. I moved out 3 days ago and I am happy so far. It is a bit difficult to get things started in a new place but the peace that I feel not living with someone who can't stand you, is by far easier. Amazingly, I get along with the husband better in the last few days than I have in the last year. I am going to miss my kids terribly when he has them but that is for the best since there will be more harmony now that the tension is not in the air. This also forces the husband to spend time with them. He loves them very much but he has been escaping the home because of me. He took 3 trips to CA (we live in South dakota) in the last 2 months, had his CA friends over 3 different times and each time they were here, they were out on the town to bars etc. So, he is ready to have some good times with the kids while I am not there. I already notice a difference with their relationship to him. They want to ride with him when we have two different cars and they do not throw a fit when I leave from visiting.

Don't get me wrong. My husband is a great man. The last few months have been hell for both of us. But we are taking steps to improve the family life we have started to show to the kids. We go to lunch with the kids and we try to show them that mommy and daddy do still love each other we just need to work some things out separatly in order to be better to each other. I don't know if we will end up getting back together but this is going to be a time when I look at myself and better myself. not for him. I am trying to depend on God rather than him. This has been my problem. I let the husband define my moods, my selfworth and basically who I am. I notice that I am not nearly as eager to have emotional eating with him not around. I am going to join a gym in the new town I have moved to and I am going to be a better mom (healthy) because of it. I have not been this healthy mentally in such a long time. Thank you for listening to my rant. There is not as much anger in this one. Just blessed peace.

[Kimmy in MD]

Godspeed to you are your family. I am seperated myself right now and believe it or not, it does get easier with time. Best of luck.

[HopefulFuture]

Think about what is best for you and your children. With the both of you getting along better separated the children sence that. My husband and I deal with an ex who is spiteful. It is horrible. Please never end up like that. The only people who lose are the children. Good Luck with your new journey. You will be surprised how it will effect your weight loss for the better!!!!

[Kittycat]

All the best to you Heidi...I can't even imagine how difficult a time this must be for you...but you have a great attitiude, which will see you through this.

Sometimes husbands and wives become better parents and friends when they are not living together..I hope this is the case for you and yours.

Big hugs...we are alway here for support..so do not hesitate to ask!!!

Take care!!

[julieburns]

Heidi my prayers are with you and your family during this most difficult, emotional time, no matter how "smooth" it's going. yes God will get you through this, You "can do ALL things through Christ", "Draw near to God and he will Draw near to you", and finally "This too shall pass". Jump into your relationship with Him and you won't be let down. Let Him guide you through this. It sounds like you really do have your head on your shoulders and have made good decisions so far. don't let the devil sabotage you. Many of us have been down this same path and walked through it and been the better for it. I hope this is the case with you.

This is YOUR time to figure so many things out that you never even though of yet. Be patient, allow time to grieve, do good things for yourself DAILY....I think the gym is a super idea.

Cherish yourself and know you made the best decision for you and your family at this time.

Many hugs and much love to you. I will add you to my prayer list sweetie!!

[doinitagann]

Heidi my prayers are with you and your family during this most difficult, emotional time, no matter how "smooth" it's going. yes God will get you through this, You "can do ALL things through Christ", "Draw near to God and he will Draw near to you", and finally "This too shall pass". Jump into your relationship with Him and you won't be let down. Let Him guide you through this. It sounds like you really do have your head on your shoulders and have made good decisions so far. don't let the devil sabotage you. Many of us have been down this same path and walked through it and been the better for it. I hope this is the case with you.

This is YOUR time to figure so many things out that you never even though of yet. Be patient, allow time to grieve, do good things for yourself DAILY....I think the gym is a super idea.

Cherish yourself and know you made the best decision for you and your family at this time.

Many hugs and much love to you. I will add you to my prayer list sweetie!!

Thank you Julie and to the others who replied,

thank you for being understanding and wise. I am just so relieved to have such a great support group here. I have never done this before. My husband was my first serious boyfriend and first for everything. So this is my first breakup. Weird. I soooooo appreciate all the words of kindness and encouragement. For 9 years i have been "Brian's wife" now i am just "heidi". It is going to take some time to get used to the idea. i am eager to see what God has in store for me. Thanks again.

[BandDiva]

Heidi my prayers are with you and your family during this most difficult, emotional time, no matter how "smooth" it's going. yes God will get you through this, You "can do ALL things through Christ", "Draw near to God and he will Draw near to you", and finally "This too shall pass". Jump into your relationship with Him and you won't be let down. Let Him guide you through this. It sounds like you really do have your head on your shoulders and have made good decisions so far. don't let the devil sabotage you. Many of us have been down this same path and walked through it and been the better for it. I hope this is the case with you.

This is YOUR time to figure so many things out that you never even though of yet. Be patient, allow time to grieve, do good things for yourself DAILY....I think the gym is a super idea.

Cherish yourself and know you made the best decision for you and your family at this time.

Many hugs and much love to you. I will add you to my prayer list sweetie!!

DITTO all the way, Julie!

Heidi, You will be in my daily prayers....and I mean that. Just know you have a group of friends here who are always here for you & we can always be a phone call away.

XOXO~

Dana

[denisem]

Heidi,

You seem very at peace with your decision, and I wish for you continued strength to regain your confidence and peace of mind. I'm sure this was a difficult decision, especially when children are involved, and my heart goes out to you and your family.

Stay strong, and you'll probably find a person you never knew existed when you start going to the gym and start focusing on yourself for a change.

God Bless!

Denise

[Jann]

For 9 years i have been "Brian's wife" now i am just "heidi". It is going to take some time to get used to the idea.

You are not "just Heidi", you are "Heidi!" there is a difference! It's time to make it all about you (never discluding the children of course). I wish you luck and love on your new journey.

Jann

[CottonwoodAZ]

This is a new Journey for you and without a fill just be careful the next few weeks. Rely on God as he is always there. If you need someone to lean on we are always here. You will be in my prayers.

[PAMMIE]

You are not "just Heidi", you are "Heidi!" there is a difference! It's time to make it all about you (never discluding the children of course). I wish you luck and love on your new journey.

Jann

AMEN TO THAT!!!

[Guest CaraMBA09]

Well as some of you may remember, I have been having some marital problems. I moved out 3 days ago and I am happy so far. It is a bit difficult to get things started in a new place but the peace that I feel not living with someone who can't stand you, is by far easier. Amazingly, I get along with the husband better in the last few days than I have in the last year. I am going to miss my kids terribly when he has them but that is for the best since there will be more harmony now that the tension is not in the air. This also forces the husband to spend time with them. He loves them very much but he has been escaping the home because of me. He took 3 trips to CA (we live in South dakota) in the last 2 months, had his CA friends over 3 different times and each time they were here, they were out on the town to bars etc. So, he is ready to have some good times with the kids while I am not there. I already notice a difference with their relationship to him. They want to ride with him when we have two different cars and they do not throw a fit when I leave from visiting.

Don't get me wrong. My husband is a great man. The last few months have been hell for both of us. But we are taking steps to improve the family life we have started to show to the kids. We go to lunch with the kids and we try to show them that mommy and daddy do still love each other we just need to work some things out separatly in order to be better to each other. I don't know if we will end up getting back together but this is going to be a time when I look at myself and better myself. not for him. I am trying to depend on God rather than him. This has been my problem. I let the husband define my moods, my selfworth and basically who I am. I notice that I am not nearly as eager to have emotional eating with him not around. I am going to join a gym in the new town I have moved to and I am going to be a better mom (healthy) because of it. I have not been this healthy mentally in such a long time. Thank you for listening to my rant. There is not as much anger in this one. Just blessed peace.

Heidi

it is not a rant and it does not make a "great" man when he escapes to live vicariously through friends and party at bars.

That is what boys do.

It will take time, but it sounds like you are already finding inner peace and THAT my friend is more important than sticking around and hoping someone will change their behavior.

Find peace, find strength and just like the rest of us...GET SKINNY...whoohoo

oodles sweetie, Cara

[JazzyJude]

Hi Heidi,

You've made a decision and that is good. God will see you through this so you will not be alone. Know that you have friends here to listen to your 'rants'...as we do that same.

You have a goal in mind, stick with it and things will work out the way it will. My prayers to you and your family.

Jude =)

[jhawkchick75]

Sounds like you have made the best decision for yourself and that is fantastic! As long as you and your ex have a good relationship around the kids then everything will be fine. My parents always talked so badly about each other in front of me and it had a major impact on me. They wonder why i'm still single now! My brother lives with me and his daughter is here part time and I always tell him no matter what have a good relationship with her mother because the only person it hurts is that little girl. So i'm glad to hear this has strengthened the relationship b/t you and him as well as the kids.

I hope you are able to take good care of yourself and focus on what is best for you. Best of luck and I hope this transition can go smoothly (or as smoothly as expected i'd say).

Anytime you need to vent we are all here!!!!

Shelby

[vix]

I'm happy that you feel good about your decision Heidi! An emotional time like this can be so hard on a person. May you continue to do well and keep doing what is right for you and for your kids. I admire women like you who can make tough decisions and then "own them." I'll be thinking of you... :lb11:

[nothereanymore]

What a journey you are on, I'm so happy that you have settled on the path that is best for you and your family - which includes him since he is the father of your children. I'm very impressed and proud of the position you have taken. I know its hard, and you’ll have good and bad days, but you’re such a special spirit, you’ll be fine.

I'm excited to watch the changes that are coming your way; I know and understand the ones that will happen on the outside, you will turn into a thin beautiful young woman, with so much more energy and confidence that I don't know if you can really even fathom it right now. But you also have the changes that are coming on the inside; you're going to focus on you and finding who you are again. It sounds like you've been so focused on him, that you lost you. What a perfect time to get your band, to work on the outside and inside at the same time will be difficult, buts it’s meant to be.

Stays strong, focused on you and your family, but do it in the right way; you are a beautiful young mother on the start of an amazing journey! Let yourself enjoy it! (But know that there will be tears as well, its OK, you'll be fine).

Best,

Lisa

[UTdigiMOM]

Dear Heidi -

As a child of divorce I strongly urge you to have an open mind throughout this rough patch of your marriage. I've been married to my husband for 13 years and all marriages have their ups and downs. Your children deserve your best effort to keep their home intact. It's sometimes not possible (due to adultery, addiction, or abuse) but your situation seems redeemable.

I heard a poem written by an 11 year old daughter of a divorced father and it really spoke to me. I could have written that poem. My parents divorced when I was 6 and their reason was that they just 'fell out of love'. The next 12 years of my life were spent traveling between my 2 'houses' and enduring multiple boyfriends and girlfriends of my 2 parents. I couldn't wait to leave and move out on my own at 18. I went on to have a great life, but my brother didn't fare so well. He was only 4 when they divorced. I know it can't be easy for you right now, but please consider your children's future and what's in their best interest.

Hugs from Utah!!

Here's the letter:

My Daughter's Poem

Everyone says that two must be fun

but I really loved when I had just one.

Two rooms to play means two rooms to clean,

two beds to sleep means two beds to make.

They say I am lucky, gimme a break.

My mom misses mornings my dad misses nights,

but I miss them both even the fights.

My first date, my first kiss, the pictures before prom,

how do I choose between my dad and my mom.

Two Christmases, two Easters, and two Halloweens must be fun,

but I'd give everything back just to have one.

When you're young like I am the pain is still real,

I get tired of them telling me how I should feel.

I never say what they don't want to hear,

I think you are selfish for putting me here.

Here in this place where I pack a suitcase

and go back and forth from place to place.

Maybe two is good for you, but I still loved one

and I was not ready for all the fun.

If you love me so much like you say you do,

then you'd know I want one, I never liked two.

I never cared about the problems you had,

it was yours to deal with, you're mom and dad.

You made me deal with things I never knew,

you told me I would have fun because now I have two.

You should have never ever given me one

if you thought one day it would all be done.

You were supposed to protect me and never let things bad,

but then you caused the worst pain I ever had.

Now I never question the love you both feel,

for me and my brother its always been real.

I love you both too and I'll always be there

but I will never think that it was in any way fair.

[cfuture88]

You say you are just Hiedi, well try and be Heidi just by yourself and be with your kids. I know so many women who run to start dating and "feeding" themselves, and never take a year or so to just be a grownup on their own. There is a radio shrink who says, "don't date anyone until you have been divorced for a year." Good advice and even better for the kids- she says, "don't introduce anyone to your children until you feel ready to marry them." Take some time for you without any other adult in your life. Ellen