cckcsharp Posted October 8, 2008 Report Share Posted October 8, 2008 I am almost 6 weeks post op and scheduled for my first fill in one week. But I am dealing with a personal crisis and food has always been my drug of choice to take away the pain. My mom and stepfather were severely abusive to us when we were children. My mom even served time in prison and a mental hospital for what she did to her children. As adults they continued to find ways to emotional and mentally torture their children and I have spent many years suffering from the pain they have caused. Now, however, my mom has become severely disabled both mentally and physically and cannot care for herself and my stepfather is dying of a brain tumor. They have caused so much pain and abuse to immediate and extended family that NO ONE cares. I am the only one willing to set aside what they have done and forgive. I recognize that even though they committed terrible acts, they need help and somebody has to help them. They can no longer care for themselves. But everyone else in the family would rather see them ROT. I am left alone to care for two people who are basically mentally insane and also need physical assistance to bath and toilet and eat. Along with the fact that as I care for these two people I am constantly haunted by the horrible things that they did to me and my sisters. It's difficult to bath the person who physically, sexually and mentally abused you. While trying to show compassion for them, I am secretly hoping they would just die. Every time the phone rings or I go to their home, I am hoping that I will find them dead so this nightmare will be over. They are very poor and have no money for professional care nor money for funeral expenses. Everyday, I am self medicating with food just to get through this and I am afraid to stand on the scale for fear of what I will see. While I typically NEVER share this information with strangers, you guys are the only ones I have to talk to. My family just says, "call me when their dead." I am afraid this entire experience will destroy my band. The abuse I suffered is what caused my weight problems to begin with and here again, I am allowing my mother and stepfather to ruin my life again. How do I get a grip on this so I don't ruin my band and end up gaining back all the weight I have lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CottonwoodAZ Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 I can not Imagine what it is like for you but I do love your compassion (for those who hurt you so deaply). I was molested as a little girl and thats when I turned to food too. It was the only control I had. Is there any way that a nursing home will take them so that you do not relive it everyday? My best advice is think of your band as your best friend and find a new drug of choice (exersise, Bingo, Hobby) Try and keep your mind and hands busy. Sorry not alot of help but Know we are here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jann Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 I am almost 6 weeks post op and scheduled for my first fill in one week.But I am dealing with a personal crisis and food has always been my drug of choice to take away the pain. I wish I had something comforting and wise to say to you to make you feel better but there's nothing really that I can say that will be helpful. The answer is simple, you've made your choice to help these people. You need to take care of you first and foremost. After YOU they come first. They have been disempowered. Don't let this derail you. You are completely entitled to how you feel, don't beat yourself up, don't regress. Know that you have all the power but that you are a better person who would not abuse it. There's a special place in heaven for people like you. We're with you in spirit when you need it! Warm hugs, Jann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tlag Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 WOW, I am sooo sorry for what you have gone through. You are a very very very strong person. It is alot of responsiblity to take on both of their care. If they are disabled and etc, then maybe SRS could step in and they could go to a nursing home. It is so much for 1 person to try to do. My heart goes out to you. Call SRS and just see what they say. Hang in there and I pray things get better for you, YOU deserve the best!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittycat Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Oh Jessica, I am so sorry that you have had to endure such torture as a child, no one deserves to be treated that way, especially children. I will never walk in your shoes, but I do know a little bit about an abusive parent. My father was an alcoholic and extremely verbally abuse to me and physically abusive to my sister and yet years later she's the one who took him in to live with her and her husband. I wish I could tell you that it will all be alright..but from personal experience..it did not turn out okay. My father kidnapped my neice and ended up in jail and died there. I too overate as a child and as an adult as comfort from the past. Counselling helped and making the decision to put the past behind me and get on with my life really turned things around for me. You have been put in an extremely difficult position and you are a compassionate and wonderful person to care for those who hurt you the most. I can't tell you what the right thing to do is...but I do know this...you have a family of your own, and although your parents may not be in a position to abuse you or your family physically, they are already causing you stress and to turn to your old habits again. Your children have a caring Mother and need a healthy one, that's why you got the band. Jessica, I am sure you don't have a selfish bone in your body, but maybe it's time you think of yourself and your family first and let someone else bare the burden. Take care sweetie, you know we are all here for you...and anytime you want to talk just send me an PM. (((Hugs))) Cathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momonamission Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 I am a spiritual person so I depend on God for my streagth. God calls on you to forgive and it seems that you have. But, God would not demand you care for these people. I could not do it. My father sexally abused my sisters and I have no personal memory so who knows if I was or not? I was only 6 at the divorce. You wants you to care for yourself and love yourself. You may forgive them but they still have to deal with the results of there actions. They may be forgiven but they are not set free from the worldly consequences. I can not see how this can possibly be healthy for you. I will pray that God sends you an answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 I am almost 6 weeks post op and scheduled for my first fill in one week.But I am dealing with a personal crisis and food has always been my drug of choice to take away the pain. My mom and stepfather were severely abusive to us when we were children. My mom even served time in prison and a mental hospital for what she did to her children. As adults they continued to find ways to emotional and mentally torture their children and I have spent many years suffering from the pain they have caused. Now, however, my mom has become severely disabled both mentally and physically and cannot care for herself and my stepfather is dying of a brain tumor. They have caused so much pain and abuse to immediate and extended family that NO ONE cares. I am the only one willing to set aside what they have done and forgive. I recognize that even though they committed terrible acts, they need help and somebody has to help them. They can no longer care for themselves. But everyone else in the family would rather see them ROT. I am left alone to care for two people who are basically mentally insane and also need physical assistance to bath and toilet and eat. Along with the fact that as I care for these two people I am constantly haunted by the horrible things that they did to me and my sisters. It's difficult to bath the person who physically, sexually and mentally abused you. While trying to show compassion for them, I am secretly hoping they would just die. Every time the phone rings or I go to their home, I am hoping that I will find them dead so this nightmare will be over. They are very poor and have no money for professional care nor money for funeral expenses. Everyday, I am self medicating with food just to get through this and I am afraid to stand on the scale for fear of what I will see. While I typically NEVER share this information with strangers, you guys are the only ones I have to talk to. My family just says, "call me when their dead." I am afraid this entire experience will destroy my band. The abuse I suffered is what caused my weight problems to begin with and here again, I am allowing my mother and stepfather to ruin my life again. How do I get a grip on this so I don't ruin my band and end up gaining back all the weight I have lost. I guess what I would ask you is, arent these people on social security? There are agencies that take care of people like this. Why do you feel like it has to be you? If it is making you sick, there is a limit to everything. I would have a very hard time even considering taking care of people who dod that to me. I would be checking into agencies who can help them and get the heck out of there. But that is just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teyann Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 OK, I live in Canada and have no idea how things work in the States, but here the Gov. would kick in. When people need care like that they need to be in a place that can provide that type of care. It is now time to stand up and think of yourself first!! You have to take care of YOU! As I have found out, nobody else will. Please find out about some alternatives for their care. I would also seek out some counseling to get you through this rough time. No matter about what the past was and who they were, they are at a point that you are unable to take care of them. Also part of the abuse brings guilt and that what is feeding this right now! You have to break free........ My heart goes out to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dawns Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Hi Jessica, Please know that my thoughts are with you. I would suggest that you somehow get in touch with a social worker through your local hospital and contact the area agency on aging and also your state welfare department so that you can get some help. There is help out there and there is a strong chance that you could get them to a place where you don't have to be their caregiver. You just have to get hooked up with the right agency and one of the above should be able to help or guide you where to go for resources and to the right place where you will get help. Good luck to you and take care of yourself, dawns Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nothereanymore Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 You're a wonderful daughter who's done her job. You've forgiven, provided love and support. Now its time to let go, and follow Dawns advice. They may have done harmful things to you in the past, and you were a child and had no control over it and couldn't say no. Now you are an adult and you can stop the pain and hurt, in a loving and thoughtful way, different from them. I hope you can find the love and strength to let go, and to live and love yourself. Its one of the important steps we bandsters have to do to succeed. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denisem Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Jessica, I'm terribly sorry for the pain you are enduring right now. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you were treated, and you do not owe them anything. You sound like such a strong person, but you should take that energy you have and direct it towards getting them some help elsewhere, away from you. Take Dawns advice, just like Lisa said and rid yourself of them for good. You need to focus on you and your goals to better yourself for your family and future. You have spent more than enough time and energy on hopeless people like them. God always protects and never gives you more than you can handle. Something tells me HE knows you have suffered enough and he'll guide you to make the right decision. God Bless You and I'm praying for you, Denise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhawkchick75 Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 All I can say is you are a wonderful person for doing what you are doing. Most people couldn't and that is great. However, you really need to focus on yourself. I agree with what folks are saying about checking your resources in terms of long term care for them. My mother went through the same thing. She had an older sister that treated her like trash all her life, but when she got cancer my mom was at her bed even as she swore and hit at her. It upset my mom so much and I just couldn't understand why she kept doing it, but it was something she felt she needed to do. So please make sure you are doing what you need to take care of you. As the days get closer for me, i've been feeling more and more guilty every day for being gone from work for a week. I know it sounds weird, but I am feeling really guilty and have been thinking about ways I can work while there. But I do understand that I need to not do that and just take care of myself. It's not going well, but i'm trying. So do as I say not as I do! I wish you the best!!!!! Shelby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vix Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Jess, I am just heartbroken to read this. I feel so horrible for you.... If you feel like chatting, PM me your phone number and I will call you tomorrow and we can try to figure something out. I have a little experience in finding resources for people and perhaps we can come up with something to do. You have lived a nightmare as a child and I think that forgiving them is more than enough for you to have to do. If you are able to find a safe place for them to go and be cared for, that is more than they probably deserve. You need to be healthy and stay healthy for your own children. Let me know and I will help you work on this or, if nothing else, we can chat and that might help us both in our lapband journey at least. Bless your heart... :lb18: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willi333 Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Oh Jessica - I am so sorry for what you had/have to endure! You are such a wonderful person > I can only dito what everyone else said - My thoughts and prayers are with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julieburns Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Jessica I am so sorry your going through this most difficult. What a godly heart for you to forgive and then even be taking care of your parents. I have no helpful advice really the others havn't already said but I want you to know I care. I will say a special prayer for you and your family. Your are #1 in this situation. You have started a journey to become the best you, you can. I pray this situation is only temporary and that you will find the appropriate assistance you need to get your parents into a care facility or group home. Yes it will be some work but this is why we have them. You can't put your life on hold indefinitely to take care of them, they may outlive you at this rate!! (trying to make you smile sweetie ) Stay strong and true to yourself. Yes I too am am an emotional eater and this is a 10+ on the 1-10 scale if you allow it to be. You can do this. "Draw near to him and he will draw near to you" Hugs to you honey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doinitagann Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Jessica, I could not possibly add more to this post than what has already been said. I believe that God can lead us through even the deepest valleys. I have been having some personal issues right now and I know that I could easily eat the house down but if I turn to Him for strength he leads me. I just wanted to give my support to you. Despite your upringing, you have turned into a beautiful woman, in and out. Your posts are always inspiring and encouraging. I am turning that around for you now. You are stong enough to forgive and I so respect that. Don't allow it to turn into resentment. Making these two people into wards of the state should give them the proper care they need. You would not be abandoning them but would be freeing yourself. Even though they do not deserve a thing from you, even your forgiveness, the anger that can harbor inside only hurts yourself. They are not getting harmed from it at all. If you can find it, you need to go to counseling. The consequences from abuse can rear their ugly head years later and come out in different ways, like eating. You are such a special person. You have so much more in your life to be excited about. to let this get you down is a complete waste. Get them the help they need and move on to your new exciting life. I will be praying for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cckcsharp Posted October 9, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Thank you to all of you for your support and love. I think more than anything I just needed to hear words of encouragement to help me through this and that is what all of you have done. I did contact Adult protective services a few days ago and I have a scheduled appointment to meet with the caseworker at my mother's home. But they cannot force my mom or step dad into a nursing home and said that as long as I am living, they will not take them into states custody because there's a family member available. Also, my mom does not yet qualify for Medicare ( government health care) because she is only 61 years old. Because of her age, she must be on SSI (disability) for 2 years before her medicare will kick in. That will happen in 6 months. Her current blue cross/blue shield does not cover ANY home health care or nursing facility. Without medicare, no resources in the community want to help. I am hoping to get her qualified for state healthcare ( medicaid) and that will cover a nursing home. Although, just a state run nursing home. Not the good ones. I have power of attorney of both my mom and step dad and the caseworker says the next step would be for me to file for guardianship with the court. This seems bad, but she said the reason for doing this is because the state cannot force people against their will into a nursing home. But if I am granted guardianship from a Judge, this would give ME the right to place them into a nursing facility. However, I cannot see how I am suppose to drag them from their home kicking and screaming??? But I will take this one day at a time and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I feel like you gave me the boost I needed to go forward and reminded me to take care of me and my band. I thank the Lord above for the love and support I have received from this group. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittycat Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 Thank you to all of you for your support and love. I think more than anything I just needed to hear words of encouragement to help me through this and that is what all of you have done.I did contact Adult protective services a few days ago and I have a scheduled appointment to meet with the caseworker at my mother's home. But they cannot force my mom or step dad into a nursing home and said that as long as I am living, they will not take them into states custody because there's a family member available. Also, my mom does not yet qualify for Medicare ( government health care) because she is only 61 years old. Because of her age, she must be on SSI (disability) for 2 years before her medicare will kick in. That will happen in 6 months. Her current blue cross/blue shield does not cover ANY home health care or nursing facility. Without medicare, no resources in the community want to help. I am hoping to get her qualified for state healthcare ( medicaid) and that will cover a nursing home. Although, just a state run nursing home. Not the good ones. I have power of attorney of both my mom and step dad and the caseworker says the next step would be for me to file for guardianship with the court. This seems bad, but she said the reason for doing this is because the state cannot force people against their will into a nursing home. But if I am granted guardianship from a Judge, this would give ME the right to place them into a nursing facility. However, I cannot see how I am suppose to drag them from their home kicking and screaming??? But I will take this one day at a time and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I feel like you gave me the boost I needed to go forward and reminded me to take care of me and my band. I thank the Lord above for the love and support I have received from this group. Good Luck with everything Jessica...you can only do so much...be sure to take care of yourself first!!!! ((Hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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