Stressed out

[trulytangledgrl]

My best friend of 13 years moved to AZ a little over a year ago to be with her (then) boyfriend. They have since gotten engaged and my friend asked me to be her maid of honor in her wedding. I was so honored that she asked that of me and of course I told her I would take part. I was a bit concerned about the financial aspect, which I was very honest about with her from the start. My concern lies in the fact that she lives in AZ, I live in PA. So, I asked her if she was going to get married there or on the east coast, where her family and her fiancee's family are from. She said that most likely it would be here on the east coast. About 2 weeks later, I get a email from her she had sent to me and the other bridesmaids saying "we are getting married in vegas". I know I probably sound selfish for saying this but I was ticked. I know - - its her wedding, her choice, etc. I felt like she was very inconsiderate of the fact that I do not have the means, financially, to travel to vegas. I feel like she didn't hear me... when I told her that I am financially very limited, and like she thinks I can pull money out my ass or grow it on a tree in my back yard. If it were me planning the wedding, and I wanted a destination wedding, I would have said something to the effect of "I want you to be in my wedding, but I understand that, financially, you are very limited, and that you may not be able to afford this trip. If you can, I would love it, and if not, I understand."

So, she tells me that I can use the dress I wore in my sister's recent wedding - - its a black tealength dress, gathered on the side with a brooch. This is the same exact style dress she wanted. She said I could wear something different since I am maid of honor, so this was perfect she said. I thought 'well this is good - - I won't have to spend $$$ on a dress.' A few months later she says 'well, I changed my mind I want full length dresses.' She picks out a dress thats $200.00 (plus alterations, of course).

I booked my flight and room (2 nights, mind you - - getting there the day before and leaving the day after) and it costs me $700 roughly. I made a comment to her hoping for a reaction - - I said 'I got my room and flight booked. It was $700 - - thats an awful lot of money that I really didn't have, but what can I do?' She didn't say anything. She texts me today asking when my flight gets in, which I told her at least a week ago - - I told her fri. and she said 'oh, well you're going to miss the bachlorette party.' I said 'I am sorry, its the earliest I can afford to fly in.' she was like 'Well what time do you fly in, because I need to schedule the rehersal and I can't get it any later than 4 pm' I told her I get in at 2:20 pm... and she was like 'well I could only get 2:00 so you'll have to miss it I guess.' ..... I was like 'I am not sure what you want me to do. I can't do anything - - I cant change my flight now because it will cost me MORE money that I don't have. I am sorry if I am causing you more stress.' I am so tempted to talk to her and tell her how I feel about this. I don't know if its appropriate or what I should do.

I have grown so resentful towards my best friend over this thing. I get agitated when she texts me, I get agitated just thinking about her. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Babe]

Carrie, I completely relate to your frustration. I was maid of honour for my best friend this past summer, and trust when i say I was ready to kill her after a year of all sorts of crap (including her bitching me out at her bridal shower after she showed up 2hrs late). There were several times where I wanted to confront her about some things (including expecting me to spend a lot on wedding related outfits that i could not afford). I talked to her about the smaller stuff, but waited with the bigger things. I ended up not talking to her about these things until a few weeks after the wedding. I didn't want to upset her and add to her stress. Also, i didn't want us to fight before her wedding. She's like a sister to me. Part of me regrets not talking to her before the wedding, because i wasn't able to enjoy the festivities as much because i was annoyed. But she had a great day, and was thrilled that i was there by her side. In retrospect, I'm glad I let things wait. We had a long conversation after the honeymoon in which i told her how i was feeling. She was very receptive, and apologized and even pitched in 200$ to cover some of my wedding expenses. I'm not sure what the right decision will be for you, but whatever happens just remember that the brides in genera; get VERY self involved and become totally oblivious to others probs - not because they don't care, but because they've got so much on their plate and are pretty overwhelmed.

Please, keep venting to us and to your other friends. It'll help you feel better. Good Luck!

[crazycoolbutterfly]

I normally don't give any advice on off topic situations, but as I read your comment I became irrate. So, that being said--If I were you, I would cancel my ticket and get a refund while you can. First of all, you were honest with her and told her your situation. Secondly, she seems to be cutting you out of the festivities. And lastly, she should recognize that fact that you are her MOH and that you have a part of this wedding too. You have no reason to have to make up an excuse. Not being able to afford going is a acceptable reason to decline an invitation. Send them a gift with your regrets that you can't join them in person on their special day. If you care about the bride and groom, and certainly they care for you to invite you to their wedding, they will appreciate your honesty and understand your need to live within your means. If she is your bestfriend and she gets offended, that is her problem. You were honest. I know this seems harsh and I know that it's all about the bride during her wedding, BUT she should take into consideration of other peoples resources and schedules. I have been a part of several weddings, including my own, and of all the hussle and bussle, I did not lose sight of the fact we are friends with these people, and FRIENDS understand. If not immediately, eventually. Good luck on your decision and I'm sure it will work out. My bestfriend and I have been through BIG ins and outs and we are still bestfriends for over 15 years! Just a reminder, here are a few responsibilities of your duties as MOH...

Wedding Etiquette

The Maid of Honor's (MOH) responsibilities include:

-Attending all prenuptial parties.

-Help address invitations and announcements.

-Entertain a party for the bride and groom…if possible. This could be a couple's shower.

-Assist bride with going away clothes and luggage.

-Be sure that bridesmaids are kept aware of their fitting appointments, rehearsal obligations and any special duties that the bride may wish for them to do.

-Arrange with a florist for a supply of rose petals to shower on the bride and groom as they leave. If a flower girl is in the party, she is responsible to see that the child knows when and how to do this.

-Arrive at the church or home of the bride early enough to help with bride and bridesmaids with dressing (at least 2 hours early).

-Remind the best man which ladies will be wearing their flowers (Mother, grandmothers, organist, soloist, hostesses, etc.).

-Assist bride with her train during ceremony and in the receiving line.

-Hold the bride's wedding bouquet for the exchange of rings during the ceremony and hand it back just before the recessional.

-In a double ring ceremony, carry the groom's ring until it is time to hand it to the minister.

-Assist the photographer with identification of the members of the bridal party and later for pictures, which are taken at the church and reception. Be sure to find the kind of candid shots the bride may want of the out-of-town guests. Be certain the photographer has taken an appropriate number of these candid shots.

-Witness and sign the marriage certificate after the ceremony.

-Stand in the receiving line. The traditional place to stand is at the groom's left side with her bridesmaids to her left.

-Assist the bride when she is ready to change into here going away ensemble.

-With the best man, help the couple depart.

-See that the bride's gown is taken care of according to her wishes. Usually taken to the bride's home or to a cleaner.

Remember, this is the bride's day. Your job is to assist the bride and help her day be as carefree and special as possible. As a maid of honor, you should set the tone among the women in the bridal party. Stay cool and never out shine the bride. It truly is an honor to serve.

[BrandNewDawn]

I agree with crazycoolbutterfly. I got really annoyed by your friend's behavior while reading your story as well. When you accepted her invitation to be in her wedding, you thought the wedding was going to be local. She changed the wedding location. You told her you were concerned about the financials from the start, she made no offer to help. Now, I know I am old fashioned but when my best friend wanted me to be in her wedding, she paid for my air plane ticket and my dress. I know, that was 20 years ago but since when is the wedding party expected to bear the burden of the cost of a "destination wedding?" Isn't the bride/bride's family supposed to pay for the wedding still? Wow, what a break for the bride/bride's family when that little tradition got tossed out!

First she tells you that you will not need to buy a dress and then she tells you she wants you to spend $200 and then cuts you out of the bachelorette party as well as the rehearsal. Are you sure this woman really even wants you to be in her wedding?

I think you should cancel your ticket and get a refund as well. Email or text message your regrets, send a card and a gift. Do you really want to spend that much money to have a bad time? You are up to $900 bucks on plane ticket and dress and you have not rented a car or paid for a hotel or food and you are already up to your eyeballs in resentment toward her. Perhaps if you talk to her you could work something out but right now, I really don't see this ending well for you and it could spell the end of your friendship with your friend.

Good luck with your decision. You should do what is best for you. She made her plans without giving any thought or consideration to you or to any of the east coast friends and family. Do not feel guilty if you decide not to go. You have the absolute right to say no. Not being able to afford the trip right now IS a good reason and it IS a responsible decision.

Dawn