Lap Band failure and success for my sister

[ladybug104]

My sister had her lap band surgery in May of 2005, and I had mine in October of 2005. She has lost over 60 lbs and I have lost...are you ready for this?... a whopping 12 lbs. That too, these 12 lbs were lost after starting to go to the gym. Now that she's lost the weight, she is now about my clothing size. She wants to try on my clothes-she looks better in some of them than I do! This makes me feel angry and sorry for myself. She says, "Well, we both know I've always had a better shape/figure than you". What does that mean? Who cares about that? Is that supposed to make me feel better? She's missing the whole point. I'm happy that she looks nice. I'm happy that she's starting to get her hourglass figure back. That's not why I'm angry!!! It's the fact that she has experienced immense victory and joy and I have nothing but pain and dissappointed. Granted, it's not fair that most of the time that she tries on my clothes, I do get angry-not at her...at the situation-it just seems so unfair. And, I know this makes her feel bad. She has said that she can't even enjoy her weight loss. That's ridiculous-she enjoys it every single day--she lost over 60 lbs!!!! I guess what leaves me with a empty feeling of not being understood is that she can't understand what I'm going through. And she doesn't want to. She says in the past, whenever I've brought it up (because she rarely ever has) I've turned it around to getting angry at her. What she fails to realize that she has rarley given my words of support-because she doesn't know how to. She puts all of the blame of her not able to give me words of support because I'm so hostile. Its ALL my fault. Does she think if it was her she wouldn't react the same way if she were in my shoes? I couple of times she has said "I know,I'm sorry". I can't tell you how much better just a small genuine statement like that makes me feel. She says she the reason she stays quiet is because she is so scared of my reaction-would I have a reaction if she just said something like that. She says the reason she doesn't is because she wants to say something "genuine" and doesn't just want to say something that just "sounds" right. Why wouldn't you want to genuinly say something like that everytime I bring it up? I mean, what else would you want to say to help your sister feel better? So, most of the time, when I bring up how hurt and upset I am about my situation-she stays silent-absolutley silent, sometimes ignoring me. For sisters who are so close, it's a great dissappointement to me. And I get nothing. I have told her that I am happy when she looks nice in my clothes or others, and I admit that sometimes it makes me angry, jealous, and dissappointed with my own situation-but she thinks I'm the only one who needs to change. She thinks I need to change my approach--which I definitley agree with and will try to do. But she doesn't seem to get that minor changes on her part would make this so much smoother. Like, not staying silent when your sister needs support--she does this on MOST of the occasions...because she's scared. Sometimes she even flat out ignores me. She says we have created a barrier. But she's not willing to try to make changes on her part.

This somehow ended up going a direction I didn't mean for it to go. I really just need some support who can understand what a life disappointment it is to be cut open, just like your sister, to eat and workout the same as your sister, etc and to not see any results, while a constant reminder lives with you. The weight loss part is obviously not her fault. I don't want to be unfair to her. I love her and I am extremely happy for her. But I can't take much more of this.

[Chelley]

I can understand how you are feeling. My sister, mother and I were banded in April 2006 and my sister to date has lost 70lbs to my 20lbs. We can wear a lot of the same clothes now and in some things she is actually able to wear a smaller size than I can. Luckily for me my sister has been very supportive. She feels that she was lucky to have hit her sweet spot with her restriction on our first fill. These last 6 months have been very trying for me, but not once have I not been thrilled for my sister's success. I was very disappointed in my progress but she was always there telling me not to give up that I just needed to get my fill right and I'd be successful too. Four fills and I finally have restriction to the level I can loose weight with this band. My sister and I are not in a competition, instead we love and support each other and try to be considerate of each other's feelings. We celebrate the victories and we cry our losses together as sisters should. I thank God every day for my beautiful sister and how much she means to me. Without her success as a guide, I may have given up and wallowed in self blame and feelings of failure. Talk to your sister, forgive one another, and give each other the support that only sisters know to give one another.

Chelley

[Clynn]

Hello Ladybug,

From your post it sounds like you're using your sister as your primary source of support. That is an ENORMOUS task for any one person and something she is obviously unequipped for given your anger towards her. Have you tried branching out and finding some lap-band support groups in your area? If you can get your emotional support from multiple sources then the failure or shortcomings of any one will become much less aggravating.

I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to give up so much and lose so little, then compound that by having someone close to you having a much higher level of success. Good luck to you and I hope you find a way to achieve your goals.